I did not want to meet him.. bcoz I was afraid.. & yet stubbornly, I took a chance.
We met & things hit off. Thr was attraction & strong chemistry. We were in e same frequency & silently, but surely.. I had wanted something from that.. Still I was still much reserved.
You see.. I was always afraid of losing. Always afraid of abandonment. That sense of being incomplete. Broken. Unfixed.
I did not want to meet him bcoz I did not want to b afraid to lose him.
And when I met him, I liked him, I loved him & I eventually lost him.
He made me believe in him & me.. that thr was a possibility of forever.
Bcoz if thr was 1 thing I can tell u, even forever seems not enough. We spend almost every waking moment together.
If u were to ask me, y did I feel that I loved him too much.. It was simply bcoz he was e 1 person whom I felt comfortable with..that person whom I share everything with. I trusted him. He wanted to be a bf, but he was more than that. He nvr knew that he was more than just a BOYFRIEND. He was my my partner, my companion, my friend and my confidante. He was e 1st person I think abt when I awake.. and the last that lingers in my mind b4 i slp.. he's e reason I work faster so I can finish on time, e reason I can smile with such little slp & he's also the reason Y I cry.
My world fell apart when he left me..bcoz I build it ard him. Everything abt having a life that I've known, Ive built it on the ground that I tot.. we wont end.
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But things ended. He walked out, left me behind. Suddenly. Im 1 person in this world. Im no longer associated with someone. Im no longer someone's important half. I am alone.
It was a shitty feeling, still is. God knws hw many months I spent crying over him...It was a dull aching feeling in my heart. A sick feeling in my stomach that stopped me from eating..
I guess when I finally decided to actualli pick up my shit and stop looking so miserable like I juz got knock down by a lorry was bcoz.. he was ever so ready to move on. Despite all my efforts, despite all that I had felt.. he felt it was not a gd reason to stay. He made it known to the world he was SINGLE at that place whr he made such a big deal. And I dont blame him. We all know that every1 has choices and he juz wants to be out of my life. He made it so clear, I cud not gt it wrong.. and I can tell u.. it hurts so so bad. Rejection, unrequited love? Those were not words used in e same sentence when u r talking abt me. I took it bad. I missed him, I still do.. but. (I do not nd to say anything much abt this).
So.. after ventilating abt all that misery..
my colleague said sth that made me want to strangulate her..
"But hw can u look so happy? So radiant?"
Oh my god.. if ever I cud re-emphasize.. during a break up, e best defense against feeling miserable was to tk cr of urself.. eat even if u dont feel like it.. and dress like u realli want to be a functionable individual.
I did all that.. and no1 believes that ive been thru these. And im glad I dont look the part.
Im glad Im still here.. Thr are many qns that will be unanswered.
Thr will be alot of whatif's..
But we all know.. we live in a connected world. And SG isnt that big.
If he ever wud want things to work oout
We dont nd to spell it out for him.
"But I'm in so deep.
You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger? "
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v602/kat017/mng.jpg[/IMG]
{the riddle of red}
