strawberry bubbles

Home is where the heart is..?

2011-04-24T20:12:00.002+08:00

Been a long time since I had a post.. have been procastinating much.
Anyway, I had my travel dose after 4 months since I last left the country. This time is to visit Sabah.

Sabah is one of the countries that's hard for me not to love.. slower paced than most cities; great food; beautiful nature and less densed population.
Their beaches are filled with blue sea.. and the sand so soft that you can fall asleep listening to the crashing of the waves!

*Melodramatic sigh..

Lastly, my world map still looks so sparse:

Create your own travel map or travel blog

Vacation rentals at TripAdvisor

wedding by the beach

2011-02-07T15:30:00.001+08:00

Usually I focus more on malay wedding videos, but this is 1 of philipines most beautiful actress: Kristine Hermosa of pangako sayo fame for those who remembered.. Loved how effortlessly elegant she looked..

A new nest

2011-02-02T12:47:00.003+08:00

We are trying to find a new rented property. Looking for a studio unit.. looking at <$1500 for condos. Anyone has any idea where to look? Sigh...

driving through memory lane

2011-01-28T23:20:00.003+08:00

Had a laugh out loud, jaw numbing and cramp inducing conversation otw home today.. it was abt how it was like in skool when we were growing up..

when:

> coolest school shoes were owning ONLY converse

> Pagers were all the rage.. and we are talking abt the non-alphanumeric ones..and how we self-messaged ourselves with.. 1 177155 4 (I miss you); 173110 (hello); 143 (i love you)

> wearing criss cross pants were hip

> not going home to watch your bf play footie after school

> discmans were the company in buses to school!

> having a 'god brother' or 'god sister' in the upper secondary when you were in lower secondary...

I think it is so funny and scary when time is so transient. It almost just flew by together with all the changes it brought along!

urban decay's de slick oil control makeup setting spray

2011-01-26T23:15:00.004+08:00

I've had the problem of make up sliding my skin just more than an hour since Ive applied it. Especially so in a climate like ours.. warm and humid. After trying so many gel/creme/liquid type of oil control/mattifying/ base or whatever you name it, I was already desperate! Oil blotters were probably invented for pple like me!

So, I was pretty keen to try out this spray which is different from the others in terms of methods of application.

- spray after your skin care regime BEFORE you put on your make up (like a base).
- Again, spray AFTER you have completed your make up (to set it).

The product claims to be able to pull off 16 shine free hours, but as we all know, every skin is subjective. This UD product did manage to keep my make up from sliding off my face the moment it has been applied, but I did not manage to remain shine free for a solid 16 hours. Overall, I am quite pleased with it as it did not cause any breakout when I started using it and my make up was still somewhat intact despite it being slightly shiny after 4 hours of application. Not bad I'd say!

- price of UD's de slick is ard 40+ SGD
- should be able to last ~2 mths on daily usage.
- I purchased mine from the local sephora

Hope my review was helpful for the shiny ladies out there!

things fairytales are made of.

2011-01-26T00:46:00.002+08:00

I know that most (if not all) of us are already infatuated with Nadia & Hamzah's reception video.. well, if that's not enough.. their pre-wedding video shoot is also something that is out of the ordinary and spectacular. I pray long and hard each day that my wedding will bring that much joy preparing as well.

~melodramatic sigh.

Dark past

2010-12-12T23:06:00.002+08:00

According to the blog stat, the last I posted was on e 5/5/09..which makes my post today more than a yr later. And for good reason too.

I think in maintaining a blog, one has to decide the level of privacy the blog dictates. As for me, I stil want some of that privacy even though some may argue that what kind of privacy are there when your thoughts are penned on the internet.

The significance of the date today is related to the fact that my long term ex bf is finally married. With that being said, the term EX should reflect that he belongs rightfully in my past. However, being a woman, I do let things get the better of me at times and somehow his marriage today has affected me more than I would care to admit.

I am 25 this year, and to most people now, age are just barely numbers. However, for some reason I cannot fathom, the fact that he is now married has now made me feel so horrible today. Why you may ask .. well.. let's see:

1. I am 25 and his wife is younger than me and she is already married!
2. Does not help that my OWN friend thinks I'm a spinster (not that it is so fantastic that he is a cheating asshole himself!).
3. I am at that point of time where most if not all of my friends are already engaged/married.
4. I guess I still worry if what I will have will be better than what I shared with him.
5. He's a great guy therefore there is always the trouble of measuring against the yardstick.

Truthfully, I am worried for much deeper reasons than those but I am trying to get a hold of myself and not let my mind go into overdrive.
Let's just pray that since he is happy now, maybe I would then benefit from it too.

rainbow

2009-05-05T23:09:00.003+08:00

Orange.
Is it part of the rainbow? I can't remember and honestly, I can't be bothered. This days my life are work-school-home or home-school-home or home-work-home. Whatever it is, I miss my non existential social life!

I am a dull Jane. And it is not helped by the swine flu. Everyday is update and I'm walking around with itching skin. Yucks! I'm breaking out thanks to all the flu. And no doubt abt it, when everything is trying to be sterile and stringent, I get sick. Was down with stomach flu, the whole of the long weekend.

As if the whole flu thingy is not bad enough, we don't even have students anymore!

And to top it all of. The emperest asked me 'eh Khadijah, I wanna send u to Australia for ur degree next yr. wan?'

Argh. U cannnot imagine how much I was kicking myself. I so hate studying part time.

Bumble bee

2009-03-02T16:09:00.002+08:00

I've been so busy as a bumble bee. In fact, some these busy-ness was brought upon by yours truly.

You see.. I'd wanna get done wif my degree before I turn 25 (Some self actualization thingy).. So I signed up for e degree after I had a 6 months break post advance dip.

But now I am so occupied..... When I'm not bz at work, I am bz at work not working, but doing my projects and the research... (like most pple). And then when I'm not doing that, I am bz attending classes.. tutorials & lectures!

OMG!

It's like I've forgotten what lulling ard was abt. I've forgotten abt relaxing. It's like I've became so kanchiong.. I'm worn down & tired. Nonetheless, there is only 1 way to do this. Just charge ahead. It'll be over before I know it (Sure as hell hope so). Anyway. Only til nx february. I'm gonna reach there. Sooner than I think. Then I know I can finally breathe.

But I really really need a break. Looking forward til April.

2008-12-29T22:27:00.001+08:00

New year, New promises

2008-12-29T22:04:00.002+08:00

So much has happened in 2008.
Too much; at times.
I would have chosen any year prior to this, but they say what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
And for all the wrong, that I've made right.
For all the tears that I have chose to laugh off,
I am still here.
Hoping and believing tomorrow will be a better day.

Reviewing '08 from the start:
1. Beginning of advance dip

2. My Grandpa being diagnosed with cancer

3. Him leaving me (Beginning of a tumultous start)

4. Mom Switching job

5. Adapting to new department & colleagues

6. Finding out truths becomes lies; and never knowing to tell the difference

How short and simple they may seem when typed out into a review, but only God knows how tough it has been. Some pple have never made it better. But knowing that sometimes, you know that life can bring you down.. but you can still choose to stand. I'm grateful for the pple who has been there, who made it possible for so much to happen. And praying that those who has made me miserable deserve what they do.

Hopefully 2009 will be a better year for all,
Bringing much love, luck, health & of coz wealth!

ramblings

2008-12-29T03:58:00.001+08:00

Im tired and super pissed
And today's my department xmas party.
Can I juz behave badly?
Wud it be xcused coz u did?

Seemingly complicated

2008-12-20T15:59:00.002+08:00

Don't know why life seems to get me more apprehensive of late.
I received a phone call from a person who warned me to stay away of a guy I never even talked to. How's that possible? She claims it's for my own good. I wonder what would happen should I not have heeded her advise.

Why do we play these games?
When we know we are just human; wanting the same things out of life.
I am one who believes in fate but do I really deserved what has happened in the past month?

It has been a whole roller coaster ride.. I just can't seem to quite get myself out of that seat.

foolish

2008-12-09T12:53:00.004+08:00

Despite being so occupied with work; I was having an all time high. So satisfied and happy in life..

Til everything came crashing down, like a tsunami, washing away all that I've worked so hard for.

Everything that I put my faith in has become more of a nightmare with me no longer being able to tell the lies from the truth. Perhaps I have mellowed too far and its ez to take everything I did for granted. Maybe, because I am (though hardly it seems) just an innocent, gullible and naive girl.

Or perhaps, I was experiencing that four letter word. The overused and now maybe meaningless word.

I have become numb
Feeling like a humongous idiot
And wishing my already broken heart was not just stepped on.

I can't believe where we have reached.. certainly, if this was where we were headed for, I would have not embarked on this journey.

Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
These foolish games are tearing me apart
You're tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

If only I never thought of the whole world when having to make a decision; certainly nothing would have remained the same.

I dont wanna be the kind of woman who believes an engagement is just another ring on my finger
That marriage is just another piece of paper
That true love hardly exists
And everything in this cold world is just made up of pretences and lies
I just want you to give me what I had believed in
To restore my faith
My trust
My all..
However, how is that ever possible?

Choices

2008-11-28T11:30:00.002+08:00

I've never been so glad to finally meet with the weekend.
Today is such a great exception as it is a start to what is my ferst and only leave in 365 days.

Sometimes, I do feel like I'm married to my job. Like I'm always in the hospital. And though today's ward meeting, I am still contemplating whether to attend. I am just far too tired. The past 3 off days have been spent in the hospital; with community events and quality improvement projects.

Haha. I have never foreseen to be where I am headed. Because when I completed my advance dip, I just wanted 2 slow down a little. I was so exhausted.. but I guess.. sometimes it is just wishful thinking.

dancing in the moonlight

2008-11-07T17:49:00.002+08:00

There are days that I juz miss spinning across a room..
Or looking at myself being twirled in the image on the mirrors surrounding the room..
I just missed salsa-ing..
I miss listening to familiar beats
or wearing shoes and dresses that flairs when you spin..
or counting to dance
and laughing at silly mistakes.
It feels good to let yourself go.
Knowing that all it takes is to spin and move your feet to the music, and you're where you belong..

The song we always warm up to..

work hard, party harder

2008-11-06T21:23:00.002+08:00

It's not too long before I realise my personal life is being manipulated by my career.

How is it possible that out of my 3 days off, I wud have come back for at least a day not on work related basis to be back in hospital ground? A friend of mine says I am a die hard (in denial) workaholic. I however, beg to differ.

Yes, I am involved with all the extracurricular activities running in the hospital, but that doesn't make me a workaholic. Juz an over involved employee. I start to notice my personal n professional life merging into one when even my boss is trying to fix me up (it does not make a difference even though he is a dr). hehe. Or maybe, just worrying I might be left on the shelf.

Looks like I'm getting into the limelight when I shouldn't...
Like it's not embarassing enough to be on stage to crown pageant winners n lucky draw winners.. God.

p/s: But despite all of it, I notice when we work hard at the unit, we are bound to party harder..

what's next?

2008-10-27T00:49:00.001+08:00

Finally emailed about school. Waiting to collect my cert.
And wondering out loud about fate.
And destiny.
Or perhaps,
Just bullshi*

vicky christina barcelona

2008-10-13T09:37:00.003+08:00

It's been abt a month since I have been in my current unit.. and I just finished my virgin night in the ward! so I survived at long last e week.. phew!

But me being the non assertive woman, Im being pulled into various activities.. and sometimes, I am so stressed and at times feel overburdened.

But nonetheless, I have managed to do some social activities (that I decide, not decided from others).. like dinner with friends, hair cut with the best friend.. hari raya-ing wif family..

But sometimes, work can really bog me down. And I know I can be such a cranky woman when that happens.

But oh well, luckily it has all ended for now.. and I am yet again online, looking at e-shopping.. you know they say you can take the woman out of the shopping centre, but you can't take the shopping out of the woman..

Now where did u hear that?

LOLx.
P/s: My title for the post is r/t (that's abbreviation for Related To in medicine) the same titled movie. Everyone should catch it. Such inspiration for the mundane life.

Better in time

2008-09-07T12:38:00.002+08:00

Well, Leona was partly right ;)
It did somehow get better in time.

Ramadhan seems to pass real fast, it's been a week. Alhamdullilah. Before we know it soon, it's already Syawal. But somehow, it'll be much different this yr. He won't be with us. I've lost one love already.. Missing him much as time passes.. All we can do is pray. Afterall, I think it would be just worst if he was kept alive. Who'd ever want to live with a tube in his nose, urethra and a hole on your abdomen?

Though I know his demise is for the better, I just can't help but feel selfish at times, and wonder.. why could he not stay a bit longer?

But I know, sometimes in life.. the challenges we face is anything but easy. Especially currently, since there's a blood sucker at work. I can't stand that person.. but Insyallah, he/she'll get what he/she'll deserve.

And you know with life, it really is a mix of ups & downs.. and in some of the downest of downs, I've had some ups too. And sometimes, they are all I need to get me by..

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

And reminders of why I should be happy ;)

Happy

2008-09-02T18:31:00.002+08:00

It has been ages it seems since I've been at work.
Busy, is an understatement. I cannot remember how long has it been since I cannot even keep myself awake, and IMMEDIATELY drift into sleep right when my head touches the pillow..
I've been so exhausted by the imminent occupancy of my mind. I must say though, that it feels good to be back at work. I do miss school though.. but we all go through this. The inevitable phase of growing up.

And time just passes so fast. So much conversations has occurred. It is amazing this channel called time. I think it is what makes matters different. The thing is, no matter how busy I've been, I just feel calmer & at peace (no, I haven gone to Yoga or Pilates or any new age thingie).

But most of all, I feel happy.

Alhamdullilah, I know, I am lucky.

*Angels in white <3

sinking back into reality

2008-08-28T21:02:00.002+08:00

So it has been close to a week, since school has ended for me. Life has pretty much changed significantly.

Currently, I have been posted to somewhere where the status of my workplace is high, where my big bosses have high praises for, and where everyone and anyone you meet in my organization will only have one thing to say to you "you will love it there."

So do I?

Well, it is far too early to say. But generally, it is ok. And I am caring for lesser patients. So I suppose, perhaps that is what they are referring to.

But I don't know. Familiarity is often comfort. And where I am supposed to adapt, I am finding it hard 2 do so. It is indeed scary to be thrown into a new environment, where u are aware of politics. And you do not yet have the status of a "pet."

Well, to comfort myself, I will save up for the pochette accessories, which costs less than 500 SGD. At least, it is within my means. Haiz. And just maybe, perhaps for this yr's bonus, I shall buy myself a charm bracelet from tiffany's.. the sterling silver that is! hehe.

Learning to laugh again

2008-08-21T18:23:00.002+08:00

Bad experiences scar you for life.. and you tend to remember the negatives more than you should. Perhaps you learn not to trust so much, not to let yourself go so deep; because everything of the past that you went through is still ringing in your ears loud and clear.

You remember what to avoid.. what not to say or do. You build a wall, high enough. So you will be safe.

But what then, when someone climbs over so easily? Break through your defenses?

Do you give the benefit of the doubt? Learn to have faith; when little is left?

And.. when there is more involved, than just emotions; does that mean you are more insured? That it's safer?

Perhaps, would it mean that everything is okay?

over the rainbow

2008-08-19T02:53:00.002+08:00

When I should have been busy criticizing home health care practices or nursing home practices, I was busy looking at facebook and louis vuitton. As usual, procastinating just gets the better of me.. and laziness, don't even get there. haha. It's an incurable disease.

I've been oggling at my object of lust... the louis vuitton pochette accessories, or the milla mm pochette. Haiz.. Can money please grow on trees? I mean already I can't afford the speedy 30 *hint hint* but wouldn't it be superiffic if I do get to own it? You see, my greatest ambition was to own a glass showcase to hold all my bags and shoes.. lol.. just kidding ah. I dont think I will own THAT much of stuff la..

Well, LV or not, I am happy where I stand.. alhamdullilah. Of coz, the journey to be where I am have been a long meandering ones. Filled with so many ups, and the unforgettable downs. I guess the downs are the ones that eventually makes you be ever so grateful for the good times you are having.. Like they always said.. cliche, but true.. You can't have the rainbow, without the rain.

bedfellows and such

2008-08-18T02:34:00.002+08:00

Of late, since I have been spending a considerable amount of time in bed; that includes not only snoozing, but working with my lappie, reading, watching TV, I figured that it is abt darn time that I got a bigger bed.

Yes my friends, I want more room, to lull ard in bed (seemingly my current fave place). Not that thr's anything wrong with my current single scanteak, but I guess, after close to 10 yrs, I just favour some change. In fact, Ive kinda surveyed for a new wardrobe and I intend to conduct some serious spring clean (hopefully w/in a 3 yr range). I realised that I have managed to accumulate enough junk to send some to the salvation army and still not have enough space.

A lot of things has got to go, starting from my 10 yr series.. pls do not smirk.. yes, I am a keeper. I just hate to throw away things. Visit me, if you doubt me.

So.. in an attempt to find "larger" space of comfort,I went bed hunting part of the past weekend. But Ikea just doesn't seem to offer a gorgeous poster bed. Yep.. even when it comes to redecorating, I am looking for a dream.. my dream poster bed. I have yet to scour the grounds of Barang barang (the factory outlet la! I have yet to earn enuff to shop at barang2 during non offer seasons). hehe...

So when one can't be dere, surely there's always e-shopping.. manage to find courts n scanteak online; with such saddened heart I have not yet found ANY poster beds... but I do hope that there's more luck when I do scour the factory outlets at woodlands..

post hiatus?

2008-08-10T17:49:00.002+08:00

I am blogging today, to complain about my mom. I just don't understand after more than 20 yrs of practising to be a Mother, why does she still take my underwear and INSISTS on soaking it overnight?!

My la senza's has turned into patches of brown thanks to that.. over the years, I have thrown away countless clothing items just becoz she has been making them colour run! haiyah.... u see la... even though the intention was good, I just so HATED it everytime she wants to do my laundy. Becoz it simply means my clothes gets destroyed.. thankfully, up till now, I haven purchased lingerie from la perla.. I feel like buying a laundry basket that comes with a lock. Anyone has any idea whr I can get one of those? Argh. I am beyond frustation. There's so much I want to blog about, but I haven got e time. So.. yeah, I shall update more frequently. It's 14 more days till I start my slavery anyway.

Nurses day @ peace haven

Our drive back from Changi village

And from the ECP

Wondering when am I ever gonna get on that

Mas's bday

My luscious cupcakes.. hehhe

And lastly, Steph's wedding

So, God help me.

2008-06-10T22:19:00.003+08:00

The yr has proven to be nothing short of drama, at times, endless. It seems.
Probably believing and having faith when you almost have none, is the only viable option remained. And even worse, when you know that you are being harshly judged by others, who can only see what is happening on the outside.
Perhaps, maybe we know, that the worst has thus happened. And now, faced with that reality, that is what we are dealing with on the inside. It is tiring to be tired, but despite being drained, probably, this is the yr, I will remember distinctively. Isn't it just human nature to remember the bad things easier than the good ones? Some may say.. but I juz feel that, for now, let me always remind myself of the good times, regardless how little they were.. if seemingly, they are only what morphine would be to those dying in pain.

They say you can't be brave, if you've only had wonderful things happening to you. I guess, I am heroic now.

Mars & Venus

2008-06-05T17:15:00.002+08:00

"Men will never understand women, and women will never understand men. And men & women will never understand that."

I found that abit tongue in cheek, but couldn't agree more:)

Sometimes, I think the past is like a ghost that haunts you. And if you allow yourself to admit it, you still fear it. Or at least, I still do sometimes. I guess the most difficult part of trying to move on, is deciding that you'd want to be happy for the other person, despite it not being in the best of your own interest. But as always, when it comes to matters involving the heart, self is not an interest.

Albeit, time has flown, things have changed, flowers has bloomed and seasons have came and gone.. but sometimes, emotions.. it withstands time. Even when it probably shouldn't.

It isn't easy even though I try to make it for you.. becoz sometimes, love just ain't enough.. And it is often, not for us, to decide what we want. Sometimes.

So, though time passes, tears run, hearts get broken, emotions hurt, words unsaid.. One day I pray, the storm will settle. Afterall, people do get home even through the most roughest turbulence.

as it is.

2008-06-03T19:20:00.002+08:00

OMG e week has been madddddddd...

Even wif e rashes, we were intending to catch SATC on Sat.. but hey.. with kids comes responsibility. SO the lack of a sitter proves to be a major factor in deciding on ur weekend activities with hitched friends.. so ended up with shopping, pple watching and catch up times.

Adding to the no. of married or to be married list is Irfan.. Guess his days of "casanova" is over.. maybe can get a role in cassablanca now. So yeah.. it was like the event of the yr thing. Can u imagine? An engagement held at e void deck, the whole works la. Live band, food, dessert. Even the fiancee came over. HAha.

Wow. And we met some teachers thr. They get so amazed seeing how "big" we've grown. hehe. I think they don't see time flying la....

It's just like this whirlwhind of activtity.. And.. ive got invites for nx month wedding already!

Sometimes I wonder.. muz I reali open my mailbox, when I know that the onli "letters" I'll receive are some promos from some company, shopping brochures, banking statements, invitations to weddings, baby showers etc etc..

Wah piang eh.. I have so many letters, thr was 1 day that the whole mailbox was flooded wif letters addressed to me! Not to mention, I even have a letter frm e taxman! OMG.

Sadla. No one wanna write me a love letter. haha. All I have are letters and reminders of overdue books la...tsk tsk.

Which just reminded me, that J said if I was a character on SATC, I'm a Miranda. Can U tell me, why am I a Miranda? hahaha. Apparently, he said that I am the person who is so scheduled.. I do wonder if that is true and it has pushed me to do an e-quiz on which SATC girl am i..

You're Carrie!
You're fashion forward with a hint of sass. Your quirkiness brings out your unique sense of style. Though you sometimes reject change in your personal life, when it comes to fashion you're always willing to try something new. It's clear: You live for fashion! Your favorite designers are Philip Lim, Jenni Kayne, Matthew Williamson, Heatherette, Rosa Cha, Elie Saab and Jean Paul Gaultier.

(www.ivillage.com)

So ok la.. tomo's midweek...As usual, visual treats for u peeps!

Dayah, Nul & I

Hantaran

And wif e couple of coz

Face value

2008-05-31T11:01:00.002+08:00

You know often enough, we'd all like to think that beauty is only skin deep. And that's the whole entire problem when you wake up on a Friday morning to realise that ****, goddamnit! I have rashes on my face!!!!

I go into full beauty emergency fix.. except that I couldnt seem to find e "Zinc" cream that I bought e prev time I went to Tioman and got nearly e exact same thing!

Of course I still had to go to work despite looking like a patient myself.. When I reached work, everyone asked me what happened. and I guess.. being a nurse, I am not exactly supposed 2 have an allergic reaction to a hospital environment.. but maybe it's a different hospital.. so maybe im allergic to something different. The MO of coz told me to go and see someone after work, which I did and it was confirmed that I was really having a reaction!

I was prescribed with oral and topical antibiotics, steroids (and I thought never in my life will I be put on steroids) and .. some anti histamines for the itching and the redness and swelling.

So even though Mimi was offering me free movie tix, I was advised to rest at home... and keep my face away from dirty places.. (Hosp are not free frm bugs, we all know that)..

So yeah, a great start for a weekend.

Faith

2008-05-23T23:15:00.003+08:00

We were in Swensens when I was texting my Mom n JK asked.. "Is that ur new suitor?" And that's when it hits me that OMG, pple were expecting me to date. And it was reiterated again when KY asked me while I was juz standing ard.. "When r u dating again?"

I did not realise that pple were expecting me to stop my grieving.. or hold on any longer. I guess.. they are warranted to expect that, but then.. how do u do it? I guess as friends thr's only so many times that they can go out with me.. and there'll be days even e singles in my grp expecting me to go out on a hot date. But how to even have a hot date, when thr's no date to begin with? haha.

I have became a girl, that a great day means a good working day, getting housework done, watching TV and curling up early in bed. I guess situations does precipitate changes, welcomed or otherwise.

I mean really.. how many days have pple called up on me .. to make sure.. I'm ok, that I have not backslided, gone insane or became suicidal. It was not ez, keeping my faith and believing in myself, because believe me.. I had challenged so much of my principles that I kinda get so jaded.

God only knows how tired I am of getting to know all about someone new. To make that effort to dress up, look and smell good.. I guess that is why when they go out with me, and I look good.. JK had to say "I love ur make up today.. it looks great" or "you're v pretty today".. hahaha. Sometimes, I think my guy frends are saying that to encourage me to pls pick up my slack.

I guess.. they are just concerned that I have gotten too comfortable being in my nest that I dont wanna get out and be someone, they used to know.

I'm trying hard to be the strong person everyone thinks I am. It's just that perhaps, when it comes to emotions.. strong is not an adjective that is the yardstick to measure me.

Cliches

2008-05-21T18:32:00.002+08:00

So..
the week had been so super bz.. and oh so tiring..
BUT before I go any further.. lemme present a preview of e phuket trip! hahaa..
Phuket is the kind of place you go, not to relax I suppose. It's quite bz.. but of coz, with regards to SG, HKT's pace of life is not that fast..
Everyday is the sun, sea, food and slp! Haha.. Lesser worries I suppose.
But you know, it is a small city too.. very modern la.. pubs, malls, restaurants littered along the pathways.. it could be compared to Bali, apparently.

One of those places littered with tourists.. ang moh's in particular..but, of course.. the andaman sea.. is nature in it's splendour. One can't deny that. It's the kind of place that you visit, that you feel you don't wanna leave.. but you know.. I guess, like they always say.. you can take the girl out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the girl. Because, eventually.. I guess we miss home still.

Us.. finally at T3 after months of planning to go

And.. for e 1st time since I 1st set foot on an airplane.. my flight was delayed a gd 3 hrs lor! And we werent even travelling budget!
So.. walk and walk and walked in the duty free..

And sat.. (looking like we are waiting for our turn @ e hairstylists)

and finally..

Reached HKT to lie on

for a trip to ko phi phi!

in the andaman

not enough? Let's soak in e pool!

and.. watching e sunset..

a pic of all of us.. at e cliff

I'll upload more when I have e time la..

BTW, H,.. get ur facts right before you tell me to take leave!Hehe! =D

p/s: One sleepless night in HKT, while I was channel surfing.. I listened to this..Hoping Leona Lewis is right..

2008-05-19T18:12:00.002+08:00

THE THREES

Name 3 schools u went to
Qifa Primary
Shuqun Secondary
Nanyang polytechnic

Name 3 things in ur purse/backpack/bag
Phone
Digicam
Lip gloss

Name 3 things u do when u're really stressed
Cry
Talk abt it
Listen to songs

Name 3 places u go on a daily basis
NYP
Plaza
LRT

Name 3 favourite fruits
Mango
Watermelon
Longan

3 names u go by
Siti
Kat
Ainie

3 of ur favourite foods
Laksa
Chicken rice
Lemak ayam cili padi

3 things u're wearing right now
Spectacles
La senza's slip dress
Panties? hahahaha

THE WHOS

Who's in the house with u?
mom

Who (or what) r u thinking about right now?
Dreading tomo.
Shit.. I haven read the briefing paper.
I muz be mad..

Who do u sit next to in your class?
Christy, joyce or sue. Depending on the day.

Who was the last person u told u loved?
Him.

Who do wish u were right now?
I just wished to be someone who's wiser.

Who gets on ur nerves the most at school?
our "sister"

THE WHERES

Where do u live?
The lion/garden city.

Where is ur phone?
By my side.

Where do u sleep?
On my bed, In e room.

Where is the last place u took a ride to?
To home.

Where are u now?
In the kitchen

THE WHAT(S)

What was the last thing u ate?
Chicken rice.. hahaha

What colour shirt r u wearing?
Pink

What is the closest item near u that is blue?
A shoe box.

What do u like best about school?
Friends

What is ur favourite colour?
Pink
White
Yellow

What do u wear more: jeans or shorts?
Jeans

What is the last movie that u watched?
Iron man

THE WHENS

When did u start school?
1992

When is ur birthday?
April

When did u last go to the mall?
Yesterday

When was the last time u bought a pair of pants?
Can't recall.

When did u last burn something?
When I was 16 or 17.

Next victim : you

Stripped!

2008-05-19T01:55:00.002+08:00

Evidently, deadlines just never does end.
I thought that the end of my exams, marks the end of my long suffering with my love-hate relationship with the endless readings..
But nooooo.....
I have more thesis n assignments to write. Why am I being blessed like this? Argh.

In a way, I have always felt grateful for the motherload of assignments. It gives me no time to ponder ( You all do know what about. so no need to get thr.. )

So to celebrate my amounting work, I got my pins waxed.. anndd they are oh so smooth! *BEAMS* Seriously.. anyone who needs to remove hair on their body should try waxing.. the pain is comparatively to that of eyebrow threading lor.. so not THAT unbearable la.. And being hairless all over.. the feeling is.. "light?" And the pain is juz a once off thing lor.. the moment it's over, it's over. I mean.. I should know all about pain you know. So you should give me that ;)

<3

Busybody

2008-05-12T15:57:00.002+08:00

Everyday when I complain abt my day here.. thr's someone who has always seen e outcome of my day, even without me verbalizing it. That person is someone I call Mom.

Most of us are lucky we have that person in our life.. as she is often the person who has provided us with our most basic needs, and much complex desires in later adolescence.

She's been thr to feed us, clothed us, cleaned us.. and listened to our unsaid emotions and celebrated our joys. At times, I know even though my Mom doesnt say it, I know that if she could, she would protect me from all the hurt the world has caused me.. It is remarkable, the significant sacrifices Mothers make for their children.. bcoz, I know it is not just my mom.. but Moms in general..

So it is only right that Mothers' day is not just celebrated yesterday, but treated as an everyday occassion.

And.. another event that occurred yesterday was.. Man U's victory to remain at the top of the table.. (Smirk).. Yeah yeah.. so what..U all boleh blah la.. hehe.. jgn nk action ok?

OK.. general events aside..

I wanna congratulate 3 v lucky pple in life.. Miss Z, CA for getting pregnant! Hope ur pregnancies wud be a happy and safe process.. insyallah.. and to IF, congratulations on finally settling down.. Insyallah, I will attend the engagement.

Sadly, not everyone is blessed with getting what they want.. I'm sorry to CT that he is migrating to NZ.

Sometimes, even though we have found what we are looking for, it is indeed beyond our powers to control it's outcome. So I know that it is a trying time.. and that probly time is running out for you both.. But I guess, just have faith in yourself la. Afterall, like I said prior to these, change is the only constant in life.

No pain, no gain?

2008-05-10T22:43:00.002+08:00

The morning started off with me, being shockingly awaken thinking I was late for my appt.. U see, I have not been to my beautician in a lonnnnnggggg time. And judging from the crap I've been dealing with, I thought it was a good idea. And lucky me, managed to squeeze a Saturday afternoon appt tho calling on a Wednesday. Thank God!

So yeah the initial plan was to to go to Taka to buy my powder and den go for my facial.. but CN told me that she was accompanyin F to the hospital. Apparently F had bronchitis and had to go to NUH! Tsk tsk. What a way to be spending her saturday. haha. But we did meet up, after that.. after leaving my facial for what seemed like eternity... I really don't know between a session at the aesthetician, dentist, waxer (cant call dem stripper right?) .. which is actually worst?

Coz I've been to the dentist.. but the visits are only half yearly.. So the pain during the scaling I guess comparatively wouldn't be as bad as going to the aesthetician which I TRY to go to once a month. The pain that I have to tahan for the 3 hrs I tell u.. sometimes makes me question my pleasure of being a woman.. I mean seriously.. U go there, get your eyebrows threaded den the extraction!!! Sheer horror! But.. U know, all's well at the end of the journey. Haha. Not to mention, who doesn't enjoy massages?

But I guess I'm not exactly the right person (yet?) to ask abt waxing, be it brazilian, legs, arm, body.. Ive never been stripped! Haha.. Had the intention to.. but my pain's threshold isn't exactly fantastic, hence the apparent hesitancy.

The rest of the day went on uneventfully.. I even bagged some free goodies, courtesy of CN! hehe!! :P

I guess it was a relatively a nice Saturday.. EXCEPT (hehe) that I didn't study.. and today is exactly 2 months post "him."

I do wonder at times.. will I wake up 1 day, and stop measuring time or even anything at all through him? Will thr be that 1 day, when I guess, that he won't be a yardstick, or a benchmark, in my life? That my life will be my life again.. only mine?

I guess the answer will be no.. It's like.. yes, we all try to head on our own lives.. breath.. eat.. drink.. slp.. walk.. talk.. but when will all of these stop being "automated?"

Is it all too much to ask for?

"Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe"

Change

2008-05-08T18:52:00.003+08:00

So.. I'm finally relieved of the burden of sitting for my management paper.. which has been of great weight on my tiny shoulders of late. It has been the reason of my sleepless and stay in nights and now it's finally done!

Yes.. I can stop reading the management books.. but my days staying in the library have yet to be over. I will resume that back again tomorrow onwards.. sounding like a true blue student huh.. but I guess, that's the price you pay when you've been so caught up in your own life; that academically now you juz have to push yourself harder.

And.. I got my results for my acute care postings and I'll be going to the place I've wanted to.. though I've heard the management there are less than friendly and... the staff are just as terrible.. what great things huh to look forward to?
Oh well, we all have to learn to suck it up.. afterall, it's not like we are ever gonnna see them again after that.

On a brighter note.. at least, I have given myself some days off from studying and watching grey's anatomy 4th installation! And, not to mention.. when we're bz slogging our asses of for our exams, SGH is bz preparing for what else.. JCI. So, yeah.. twice lucky girls.

It's just so fast la how time flies.. we are almost done with our academic portion of the advance dip and now we're left with the clinicals. And after that, we are all back to our organization and what will be left are just memories, before we eventually decide which bachelor from which uni we actually wanna undertake.

I guess the only constant thing in life is just change. Nothing else is as certain.

And a remembrance to what defined me then:

Musical chairs..

Sister's girls

Colleagues

And while we were still wearing green...

The white board that I always clean but still ends up the same

And even my locker keys

But.. Meredith Grey says it best:

"Change: we don’t like it; fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or.. we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells u it doesn’t, is lying. But here’s the truth.
Sometimes, the more things change, the more it stays the same.
And, sometimes, change is good..
Sometimes change is everything."

Living & Breathing

2008-04-28T18:21:00.003+08:00

So the crappy bz weeks just keep going on.
Everday, I try to keep myself bz becoz.. idle hands are the weapons of the devil? haha.

I even listen to other pple's relationship problems, heart break dramas.. maybe bcoz I juz dont wana tire everyone of relating my own.

I think most importantly what I wanna tell the pple who are on the verge of giving up on their relationship, was that it started out promising.
Every relationship, no matter how it soured, started potentially. No one would embark on a relationship, hoping that it would fail (Unless u r a dipshit den .. maybe that is different).

So the fact is that while you whine and groan why did ur relationship, turn out the way it did, I think it would probably help to remember in the first place why you did fall in love with each other.

It is ez to highlight the flaws of your partner, once the relationship has reached a plateau. And more than ever, it is ez to forget the good points of ur partner, when you see the positivity in others.

You know, just like everyone, I fell in love but along the way, I became complacent because there were conflicting priorities. And it was ez to think that the person you loved most would stay ard regardless of what happened. Guess, I went wrong there.

I'd like to think my relationship with "him" is an expensive lesson to learn. It hasn't been ez.. pple say, time will heal all wounds.. But I wonder just how much I have.

Especially when we see what we wish to ignore and learn what we wish to disregard, it just stays in your face. And when it can't show you in ur state of acute consciousness, it goes in your subconscious. It starts appearing in your dreams. And what was probably meant to be dreams (when you were once together) are now your daily dose of nightmare.

Sometimes when pple say that "you'll forget everything with time"... I kinda get confused and wonder if that was at all necessary.

Sure, the ending was definitely not a bed of roses. I am living to that testament. But. I'd like to think that the person I was in love with for a long time, isn't someone I'd wanna chuck into the recycling memory bin. My memories, are my own. And I'd love to remember them.

Surely, there were his own reasons why he does not want this anymore. And though I no longer want to convince him that I would do everything to make it work, I still think he's the person I once loved or probly still do. And I do not want anyone, including myself to spend any more time analyzing what went wrong.. which is why when pple ask what happened, I'll just say it didn't work out. It isn't rocket science you know.. pple love each other and stil end up apart.
Such is life.

I guess the hardest part was respecting his decision, becoz eventually, if I loved him, I knew I had to. And almost 2 months had passed since we've been apart. And pple say I've been looking better.. but I guess pple say that bcoz they expect us to wallow in self pity and depression.

But honestly, I have my friends to thank for making me look "normal".. hahah I m sure they wouldnt wanna walk ard wif a zombie with panda rimmed eyes and unkempt hair! Oh the un-glamness of it all!

:)

So.. basically, for those experiencing turbulence in ur relationship, I hope you all would remember that the person you are with was the person you were once so eager to be with. And once upon a time, not too long ago, you were actually excited to see her and hear her voice and smell her.
And everything that reminds you of her, made you smile..
And you dream of kissing her soft kissable lips.

And now that you are actually there, and though it's no longer as fun as it used to be, she is still the same person.

So, before you actually dive head down, recall.. and maybe do the things that you guys did during courtship. It'l help, hopefully.

Ok.. so depressing topic aside, come come.. look at my conference pix! haha.

Us

My presentation.. hehe

And a video.. sorry it's depressing pple heheh

To quote tuesday's with morrie "You either love, or you die".

p/s: Sometimes I read my past entries, and I get reminded of my best moments. The times we had endless things to talk abt, times when I get to listen to him breathing, and smell him..The running in the rain when it poured @ Palawan.. haha. everything la..

And it hits me, that I am here.

Successfully 23!

2008-04-19T16:23:00.003+08:00

So, for those of u who have been texting me, asking me, where have I been.. well, Ive been very bz!

Sorry sometimes, if sms-es goes unreplied, but I was sure on my bday, I replied to every single sms. So anyway, here's e update on how I turned 23! hehe.. Trust me, it's got to go in2 e top 5 list of bdays!

hmm... lucky irfan.. hahah

Girlfriends!!

Seated in the restaurant

me n dayah

stylish pose?

ali n iqbal

kesian.. cutlery pun nak amik.

OMG! Irfan!! hahaha

My bday cake! Yummy!!

The fooodddd

Thanks for everything pple;) Im so touched... heheheh

Of coz, what wud a bday be, w/out a bday supper? So.. supper @ Swensens..

My favourite simple dishes in Swensens.. hehe.. Esp e caesar salad *Salivates*

And e yummylicious apple crumble!

Strike a pose!

Finally home, on the big day!

And.. my sabo for e day: Wear e tiara e whole day! OMG! But luckily I dont nd to ask some pre-pubescent boy out animore.. hehe. And no swimming in e koi pond! This was much lenient! haha..

Strutting the walk

Lemme show u how we use the tendon tapper

Mimi n i

Ah Jie and i

And the nominees for ms tendon tapper 2008..

So u think u wanna be america's next top model?? LOLX

And then we try to be flying ballerina's.. it's one of e pageant requirements

(After this, they locked me in the class for 15 mins..)

For this..

I'm so touched, if u cant tell.

BLOW

and make a wish

Another cake!

You mean, I have to blow AGAIN?

Make a wish again..

and now snap2 wif ms tan

now time to cut

And for winning miss tendon tapper 2008..

Congratulatory kisses

Opening the gift

Ohhh another heart pendant to add to my collection! hahah

ALMOST e entire class..

Thanks babes.. for e excellant party planning! And e sweet sabo! haahaha Im sure u all enjoyed urselves..and thanks for e treat @ Sanur..and the movies..

And thanks to the pple who took me out for dinner that day and e dessert n e 3rd cake.. hehe.. (sorry, pix r not wif me.. so cannot upload.. no publicity for u all la..)

only got this.. go figure!

And for belated bday.... Thanks for e dinner treat @ Bali thai!! =)

Ok.. now time to show my loot.. some cannot be shown in pix.. hahah

CHox n diamonds!

What's not to love? haha kissables!!

(I think i really seem to look like e sort who loves hearts, kisses n chox too much)... hhaha

Ok.. So to everyone who made my day special.. thanks for all e effort, planning n coordination..

To e pple who drove me home safely after each outing, thanks for chauferring me ard..

But most importantly, thanks for remembering.. to which I wouldnt have had such a great time, if all of u did not make it happen =)

Words cannot justify my gratitude.. but im sure u all know it.. haha..

Thank you Suzi for the expensive Brisbane SG phonecalls.. hahaha

Lastlty very great thanks to well wishers.. I hope I get what u all wished for me.. Insyallah.

Of coz, more than ever, Alhamdullilah.. I managed to turn 23, successfully, almost having it all.

Solace

2008-04-07T17:18:00.002+08:00

Today, someone jumped off the track @ CCK
I dont know why he jumped, but I hated that it disrupted everyone's schedule.
But oh well.
I don't know why he wanted to put an end to his life, but he did it successfully. At least.

Sometimes, I feel like..my body's without a soul.
Like I can laugh, smile, joke.. carry out my daily activities.
But inside, it's void.

Suzi asked me have I gotten married wif Han.. coz I was MIA for so long.. and I didnt look for dem.. but I told her that we weren't fated (Cliche, I know). I juz couldnt remind myself over and over again why I've failed in a relationship with a person I truly love. So I didnt wanna divulge.

It was tiring to have another person analyze dis situation again, and perhaps, maybe a bit unfair too. It is afterall, subjective.

But how when despite knowing and accepting that thr's nothing that you want to do animore to change things, that everything still remains the same?

There were things that I've kept to myself. That he won't know, but like he said it doesnt matter now. Sometimes I wonder.. why muz I still go through dis..

On thurs, when some of my friends wanted to eat, they actually wanted 2 go to AMK. I was rather apprehensive abt going, for of course, reasons related to him. But what choice do I have? It's a majority's decision. So den when we walked ard AMK and dey realised thr's barely any halal fd shop, they decided to go wdlands. And guess what? Taking cab! And instantaneously, all unwelcomed and unwarranted memories came flooding, gushing through memory gates without control. Which eventually led me to tearing inside e cab.

And all e while I was thinking like. It's been 3 wks Siti. Get a grip. Remember all the things that he said to you.

But somehow, somedays, it's better. Other days, it just gets worse.
Even more so, at night. When everything's so quiet in the still of the night, and I could hear the unwanted replays. I guess it just got to the point that I kind of accepted this. Like misery loves company. SO ok, I m gonna embrace it.

At times, when Ive just gotten so tired, and I no longer have e strength to fight nor resist. I just let myself cry. There's only so much I can do.. and for all those that I can't, I kinda just leave it to God to help me.

I don't know. I know everyone deserves to be happy.. well, I guess he is. I'm trying my best, to give him what he wants.

And all I could do, and all that I had, were just memories. For all the difficult times we've been through, there has been happier occassions.. and tho it hurts still.. and I wont know when it won't, I will always choose to remember the better times, when Ive felt so much gratitude, having him by my side.

"Beginnings are always scary and endings are always sad, but what counts is the middle." - Sandra Bullock.

weekend

2008-03-22T21:02:00.002+08:00

I got the impression that today was Sunday, since yesterday was spent at my Grandparents.

But hey, I gained 1 extra day, coz it is only Saturday today.

Today I wk up feeling better, that the pain was lesser. TILL. My mom decided we should go to Simpang to eat!

Argh! I remembered the times we've been there.
The times we've met countless relatives and friends.
The bumping into nani and shidiq part.
The bumping into Suria.. rememberd what she said? That we still looked "new'.

Memories of us are so crisp.

Somemore, okay, I know that there were things which could have been done better on my part. But having it being reminded by my own Mom. Hmmm. Ok la, maybe she really does like you.. but it hurts la you know? Coz, it's like I don't want to tell you that, and make you think why now?
It's always been the case. Like think abt e past, when you told me "You just hate it when you mom sides me."
So, when you said, no one liked you, you just chose to ignore it.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I dont wanna feel insecure about you.
I realise that when times like this occurs, there's alot of what if's and maybe's.

And besides, it just dawned on me, on the way home.
That remember all those times when we discussed our 2010 vision?
I told you that I wanna get married, for my Grandpa to be ard to see it?
And that's exactly the reason y I didnt say anything, when you told me, now I have the time to wait longer b4 I settle down.
Bcoz wif you, it's not abt settling down. It's plainly abt getting to do what I've waited and searched for, my entire life.

It's having faith in the present, and hope for the future.

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you babe babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you babe
'Cause we gonna fight
Oh yes we gonna fight
Believe we gonna fight
We gonna fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you

Nobody wanna see us together
Nobody thought we'd last forever
I feel 'em hopin' and prayin'
Things between us don't get better
Men steady comin' after you
Women steady comin' after me
Seem like everybody wanna go for self
And don't wanna respect boundaries
Tellin' you all those lies
Just to get on your side
But I must admit there was a couple secrets
I held inside
But just know that I tried
To always apologize
And I'ma have you first always in my heart
To keep you satisfied

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

Good friday

2008-03-22T00:04:00.003+08:00

Today it is good Friday. Today it is also my Grandfather's bday.
Spent the day lying in front of the TV and juz wasting my life away. HAha. Ironic. I m not quite the TV watcher, unless it's my favourite show. But hey, the tube is a tube. And anything that doesn't require concentration dis days is good.

After being the couch-potato, asked my Aunt for a lift to my Grandparents hse, simply bcoz I knew I cudnt tolerate bus rides animore. Actuali, come to think of it, I can't tolerate anything animore, but I try.

So, bought a small cake (hey, Im a student, I'm entitled to be broke). And headed to WC. So okay, spent more time lying in front of the tube, as my Gparents hse are e typical traditional malay home. That includes squatting toilet and no water heater. Haha. I can safely say, that my home is FAR different that theirs, but I was brought up there.. so familiarity is comfort (That, my friend, I have learnt so well in recent times).

Heard that my Granpa is far from improving. Life for him I guess is just not worthliving animore. He evens talk about dying. Sometimes I wonder, does being ill makes you more prepared and at ease when thinking about death?
Is it something that propels you to eventually admit, that your days are numbered and what's the use of thinking that there's still hope?

He's just not what he used to be. WHen once, I knew him as someone who was strong, and regularly takes his medicine, no matter how many they were, he's quite close to being a complete stranger now.

I can no longer see him as the person who brought me up, rather, he's grown to be so dependent on pple, specifically, his spouse.

I can see him giving up on life. He is just simply surviving. It's sad, cause honestly I feel the same way too, if you ask me about life. I do what I need to. I see life as a necessity. When I used to have passion, to yearn and want, I no longer have it now. When I used to have cravings of delicacies, food is just fuel for energy now. It's amazing how emotions and experiences shape you to be who you are.

So, what exactly is hope?

This 4 letter word that inevitably pushes or pulls you down.

Hope (noun):
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.

(www.thefreedictionary.com)

Hope then, I guess is a strong verb.

I'm sorry if these days, reading my blog just gets depressing.
Everyday's about dying and heartbreak.

Maybe, partly, it's due to the fact that that's all thr is in my subconscious.
Be it, when I'm showering, in the train, walking home, listening to my MP3.
Those are just activities that are meant to be stress-free. But everyday's the same. I just walk, because it's routine, and that's what keeps me moving. I smile, bcoz, crying would just create unwanted attention. The fact is I'm tired of pple asking if I'm ok. Coz the fact is I am not, but I pretend to be ok, becoz that is easier than being myself.

It is easier pretending that I can deal with it, than admit, I am fighting to live.
It is easier to smile, than to cry.
It is easier to pretend to move, than stay and know I've been left behind.

Nothing is easier, just because it seems it is. But I try so hard, coz I know they are for you.
I heard you.
Every word of it.

But, my expressions, and my emotions.
They don't match.

For all those times, I've read about unrequited love.
Of pple seperating, not because they don't love each other animore.
Of inflicting self harm.
I thought I would never know what those pple feel.

In the same way, when I used to ask "How do you know if he's the one?"

If you just pass me by in the streets, nothing has changed.
I still have the same hair, the same smile, the same style.
But inside, in just one month, everything is not the same.

And today, as my Grandfather turned one year older, I thank God that he's still here with us.
I hope that he starts eating again.
And realise that life is still worth living, though situations have changed.
That cancer can be fought.
That we still care and love him.

And while I still harboured those strong hope, I get reminded of one thing, that probably you might not.

That during the same day, just a year ago,
We were there.
And you were the only one, that I brought to any1's birthday.
What more, my Grandfather's birthday.

I can't help but wonder then, where were you?

And I got my answer, in silence.

Saturday night

2008-03-16T00:26:00.002+08:00

I have never been dis xhausted since don't know when.
In fact, I can't even remember a time I've been dis tired.

The day started off going to meet my Aunt @ Bugis. After which we headed to my Grandma's house.

Yesterday, I finally discussed with my Grandma abt "him". I guess what she truly feels, he'll never know.

Grandpa looked better when we arrived. At least today, he took some soup and walked 2 pass urine. So me and my aunt went to WCP mac. When we got home, another of my aunt told me that my Grandpa turned worst. I changed his stoma bag and he felt so warm to touch. Den I told my aunt to buy a thermometer. And the Temp was 38.9 celcius! We called e ambulance and sent my Grandpa thr. Turned out he had pneumonia.

I can't believe it.

I feel so helpless, tired and drained, holistically.

I juz wished throughout the times all of these happened, I had you by my side. But what can I say, the person I could find solace in, just couldn't be there.

And despite probably knowing things that probably would make it better, I can only tell it to myself.

tempo di dire arrivederci (Time to say goodbye)

2008-03-14T17:44:00.000+08:00

Quando sono solo
Sogno allorizzonte
E mancan le parole
Si lo so che non c? luce
In una stanza
Quando manca il sole
Se non ci sei tu con me, con me.
Su le finestre
Mostra a tutti il mio cuore
Che hai acceso
Chiudi dentro me
La luce che
Hai incontrato per strada

Time to say goodbye
Paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si li vivro.
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Its time to say goodbye.

Quando sei lontana
Sogno allorizzonte
E mancan le parole
E io si lo so
Che sei con me con me
Tu mia luna tu sei qui con me
Mio sole tu sei qui con me
Con me con me con me

Time to say goodbye
Paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si li vivro.
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Con te io li rivivro.
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Con te io li rivivro.
Con te partiro
Io con te.

Time to say goodbye
----------------------

When Im alone
I dream on the horizon
And words fail;
Yes, I know there is no light
In a room
Where the sun is not there
If you are not with me.
At the windows
Show everyone my heart
Which you set alight;
Enclose within me
The light you
Encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
And yes, I know
That you are with me;
You, my moon, are here with me,
My sun, you are here with me.
With me, with me, with me,

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you,
I with you.

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

2008-03-13T18:16:00.002+08:00

I called him to tell him that I did very well for my presentation.
But I didnt.
Coz he sounded distant and disinterested..
It broke my heart and tore me apart. I was affected, but I was in the train. I cant juz cry in front of e many passengers.

But I didnt manage to reach home, before the tears started flowing. Even the whether agrees with me. Its been pouring non stop dis past few days.

What else do I need to say?
What else can I do?
What other options are there for me?

I am in a place, so familiar but so different.

Juz now my classmates asked me again y I cried yesterday. All I said there was too much stress lately. Then someone said.. But your BF supports u right...
And I could only smile.

There's so much in that sentence alone that weighed on me. Y do I communicate with only tears and smiles now?

Y do I love you so much still?

Y cant I juz do as what you tell me to?

So many questions that can only be left unanswered.

And you only tell me one thing everday. You don't want me anymore.

2008-03-12T22:24:00.000+08:00

Maybe coz I know he doesnt read dis blog animore.

2008-03-12T20:21:00.004+08:00

"Emotional health is the source of your physical energy." - Tan CH, 2008.

Ive been having poor health generally dis past wk.
Physically - drained, exhausted, vomitting and febrile..
and maybe, the underlyin cause was my mental and emotional health.
That I was thinking too much and worried far too much.

The things that mattered has been crumbling right in front of my eyes.

I have to blame myself, for failing to identify what was important to the most important person in my life.

When he voiced his insecurities abt my grandma and Zul, I juz though all he needed was reassurance. I did not know that it affected him so deep. I didnt know that I had to put in some actions. I juz wished I was more attentive.

Yet, I think maybe I was just too bz focussing on other things.. eg. my ill Granpa, my exams, e presentation.

It wasnt ez, juggling all of those. Everything was important in their own right. If I could shoulder all the pain and frustations and pain he had, I would.

When we talked about marriage, I knew that I wasnt juz looking at the wedding. But the phase of living with you, breathing you, smelling you, and having you all by myself. A lifetime of it.

I was ready to defend you, to love you without any reasons.
I knew I was ready to spend my life with you when I knew I could accept you for who you are, despite it taking some time. You made me realised that happiness was between us. Your love kept me going, when I thought I couldnt. You preserved my faith and you made me believe that there was such thing as real love, free of expectations and demands. You made me ascertain that I didnt need a degree holder, a rich guy or a hot looking one, becoz I was happy I had you.

It was wrong for us to take each other for granted, but I remembered the times when we didn't.

I remembered accompanying you to your friends wedding, even though I didnt wanna go there, coz it meant alot to you.
I remembered waiting for you in the car, while you went for your RC meeting.
I remembered going to your Grandparents house and falling in love with your family. I remembered going out wif Shiddiq and Nani and planning for a holiday.
I remembered getting rid of CockRoaChes.
I remembered bumping into my aunt at BPP.
I remembered abt me taking a cab to meet you at Bedok.
I reembered the 1st time I looked at you, and thinking.. he's so cute, that I asked if you wanted to have supper instead of juz going home.

And I recalled you plannng Samui trip for me.
I recalled you saying I look ok despite having rashes on my face after Tioman.
I recalled the day you asked if I was ready to get engaged, and I said I wasnt coz I was skooling.
I recalled your parents introducing me as your gf at your cousins wedding.
I remembered the day you met my Grandpa, and he said it was gd u were mr policeman, and that he liked you.
I recalled you getting me the Gucci bag.
I recalled you promising you wouldnt leave me.
I recalled that look in your eyes, that always reminded me how much you loved me.
I recalled you saying how much I was so similar to your Mom, and I felt so honoured becoz she brought up a beautiful person like you.

No amount of tears, or words could ever justify our feelings for each other, coz the mere fact is that we are both humans, infallible to making mistakes.
The fact is, we've grown stronger after all e arguments we've had, and I couldnt think of a better person to be my Husband and the Father of my children. And I can not imagine marrying anyone but you.

You taught me the meaning of love, about sacrifising.
You taught me so well, that I have failed to forget it.. and it makes me so determined to keep us together.

You are the missing part of the puzzle.
And "if you're not too late, I'll wait for you all my life."

Reality, as such.

2008-03-08T18:02:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, we kinda make do with the things we have. Becoz that is the process of adulthood.

Throughout this wk, I have finally learnt about what means to risk losing your loved ones. My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. The surgeons are not yet able to say which stage of it. So the whole of the past wk was home-school-hospital-home. It was the brink of exhaustion. Not to mention that we were rushing off to finish our presentations and essays due dis coming wk. And I had my bio exam.

I fail to see why sometimes the decisions we made, may not have necessarily be the best that we could. I cannot imagine losing my Grandfather now, despite knowing for a fact that dying is a phase of life. Sure, I am a healthcare professional. But cancer is still cancer. It's like a death sentence for doing nothing wrong.

How can it be ok, when you see life slipping out from the person you love? All he does now, is sleep in bed. He's just exhausted and in pain.

For all those times, that I thought I would die of heart break, I didn't. But this was more painful and real than any relationship troubles would ever be.

Despite being a nurse, I cannot look at my Grandpa and think. haiyah. Already 78 YO, already lived long enough. It's ok to go. Becoz it's not. There are plenty of centennarians around and pple have survived cancer. I'm not willing to let go.

Just listen to me talk. It's like. If anyone could have told me that growing up wouldn't be easy, I could have just listened to them. But I didnt. haiz.

Not to mention that, since I was forever rushng to and from school, I have no time for anything else. Gone are the days that I could lie in bed and think that I am tired. I deserved the rest.

Singapore is a small country, but everyday, we rush in the morning to go to wherever we are headed and rush back home.

We fail to recognize and be aware of what is most important to us.

And sometimes, when pple realise I'm still going to school now, it saddens me that some pple still say things like "blaja tinggi2 pun nanti duduk kat dapur." Which simply translates into why study so high if you're juz gonna end up in the kitchen.

I am just to beyond defensing myself that all I could do is smile.

I'm just tired. I won't let the small petty things get to me.

We are all humans with many flaws. But when there comes a time to make a decision, we have to be brave and just face it.

shallow

2008-02-29T18:50:00.003+08:00

I know when I started this blog I was at the risk of sounding like a bimbo. Yes, I'm not 1 full of intellectual statements.
Like the pretty MP3, that lacks it functions.. That's who I am. Or I guess, what pple see me as. Sad but true, but I've kinda accepted that.
Maybe becoz what you type in the Net, you must be ready for everyone to see. So that's y dis blog is often full of superficialities.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

comparisons

2008-02-28T10:28:00.002+08:00

Isit me?
Or is it them?
Everyone.. and I mean like everyone's headed somehwere. No I'm not talking about career wise. I mean I seem to be moving just wellthr.

I mean in terms of u know the things you do when you grow up.
Like getting married and buying a house and having children.
I'm just scared if i'll be too late. Coz Im still not ready to be a wife, and a Mother. Yet, my friends just keep telling me that surely every wk someone's bound to get engaged/married/given birth/having a house warming.

This is surely a sign that we are turning into adults.
I know we turned into adulthood sometime back. But dis is kind of in your face. You can't deny this.

Can u imagine? Even the most promiscous person is getting engaged.
Even the person you dated when you were 17 has a child now.
And I am like the one thinking and saying it out loud.. no marriage is not for me yet, it's too soon. There's alot of things I want to do that I have yet to do.

Who said that peer pressure stops after secondary skool? It seems to me secondary skool just started all over again.

Except now we don't look who has the newer shoes from nikes.. we look at who's wearing jimmy choos or whos wearing manolos..

Now no 1 cares if you own a fila or roxy bagpack.. if you don't have guccis, youre no whr near..

and not to mention who has e bigger house

better car

more successful spouse

fantastic job

smarter and more beautiful children.

You get me. It's endless.

Fico assim sem ar Cada vez que recordo

2008-02-17T18:07:00.002+08:00

Don't know what that means, but the songs nice! Im addicted to Lisa ono.. God. Foreign language's so sexyyyy... haha

Ok. So, we didnt realli celebrate Valentines day, but we did go out and he got me some stuffs. We went to PLaza Sing to eat at Swensen's. Seriously, I dont know what to have at swensens everytime we r dere. I had Almond crusted lamb in mint sauce and he had the fish and chips. And for desert, we had the chocolate fondue. But if you've ever had Max Brenner's fondue or even Haagen Dazs, u'd know that Swensens should stick to their wonderful Sundaes.

After that we went to shop ard, and i bought t-shirts at outfitters girls, at 2 for 20 bux, a pair of sandals at 29.90 at 2 chomel clips at 10 bux! But guess the nicest thing I brought home that day was frm Lee Hwa, a pendant. Awww. Ive always wanted something from Lee Hwa. hehe. Thanks dear. And I gt 1/2 dozen of red roses...

After that we caught PS I love you. I can totally feel for Hillary Swank. You know even losing someone for a short while is bad enough, but knowing you can never hear his voice ever again? COz he died at such a young age.. haiz...

I had a great day. No one needs a candlelit dinner at a posh restaurant for 2. Coz everyday is a V day for me.

And u shud juz see what I did yest. hehe.

They keep trying to pull me away, but they don't know the truth!

2008-02-04T16:42:00.000+08:00

I had a super luxuriously fun weekend. In fact, it has been e nicest weekend of e yr as yet!

Friday after skool was spent@ Sue's hse. We cooked spaghetti bolognaise n chilled @ her place. It was v Zen.. her pad. I like it. It's e minimalist effect, tho im quite certain I cant achieve that in dis hse. Heheh. We spent time looking through her wedding albums also. It was a beautiful event la. Couldnt deny that. Time was spent on watching DVDs n cable after e album thing. It felt good to be connected in a girlish level... We stayed dere close to midnight. God. Can u imagine? But I juz hate the location of her place. Sengkang? It's really out of the way. The only ammenities nearby is the newly renamed Punggol medical park. Heheh:D

So okay.. after hurrying hm (being Cinderella who muz b hm b4 e clock hits 12), I slept peacefully after that.

So it was already Saturday. Saturday was spent wif dearest Suzi, Yunus, Haikal & Ali.
We had lunch @ Swensens (again?!) I dont seem 2 understand y Swensens wud b e 1st cafe we think of when dining. Yeah. The waitress sucked tho. She cudnt even smile. Liked we owed her money. Can u imagine? They charged 10% svc charge. I cant accept y pple wud demand svc frm us, but we are treated that way when we are outside. Argh. Hate poor svc.

Aniwae, svc was MUCH better after we went to Haagen Dazs @ Esplanade, where we had yummy chocolate fondue.. Unfortunately, being an aphrodisiac, we were all so naughty by e end of e choc session.. hehehe. & Juz bcoz it's Yunus's bday today, we got a 5% off frm e bill.. How wonderful! Haha.. It was such a giggly session in which we were starting to get al kinds of funny ideas.. Let me not dwell on that & get u all excited too yeah.... ;)

It rained so we couldnt walk by the bay. We ended up going 2 M Sq again..
Bcoz there wasnt any available movies & the bowling alley was fully booked, we played pool.
Me & Yunus teamed up against Suzi, Haikaln & Ali. Obviously the teaming up was a bit unfair. Ah. 2 against 3. What kinda match is that?!
Well, nonetheless.. we made an excellent team. And we had fun! The male members of the opposing team was easily distracted tho. haha. I nvr knew that teasing cud mk pple lose concentration. It was plainly hilarious!

After spending close 2 8 hrs together, it apparently still wasnt enuff. They were pulling against my defenses.. saying that I needent attnd Han's BBQ. Luckily he understood & we were off to Arab st. Again, back @ Ambrossia.

I juz love the ambience thr la.. The dark shadowy place. Kinda a nice light up for romance, xcept e 5 of us werent realli wat u'd associate romance with. Nadj joined us thr & that was our last stop.

Still, i reached hm close 2 midnight.

Sunday came. I cleaned my room up. And we went out to Courts. To get myself a brand new sleek black printer courtesy of the BF. hehe. We booked to watch 27 dresses after that @ Vivo CT. I hated the character of the baby sister, Tess. Argh. Juz reminded me of sum1 i dont quite like. Wel, we went to M sq after e movie 2 buy something Ive been dying 2 have. Cant mention it here tho. haha. Come over & u'll find out!

So we bought that item & wanted 2 have our super late dinner. But it was 2130. Can u imagine? MOst restaurants were closed. Luckily, Tambuah Mas was opened. Dinner was delectable. Excellent choice. Service was commendable. Food was great. Atmosphere perfect.
It's juz like knowing u all over again.. (= I was very grateful for the weekend.

mid week!

2008-01-29T19:14:00.000+08:00

Skul has been mad!

But a good day, nonetherless. I coined myself a new name, the "techno bimbo." (Think technology bimbo) That was actually bcoz i said, given that I am e youngest in class, I have v little exposure 2 technology & i dont know most things....

& so horrible that JK said that I shall be scary spice, since every1 already "chop" their spice gerls part. BTW, e 4 of us in class are known as the spice girls. Perhaps, since we are after all the youngest & the "hippest".

We also had a lecture frm the our director today. It was a good talk, I didnt fall aslp. She was able to deliver what was relevant to us.

We had fun in Bernard's class as usual. It was hilarious when he asked us to out, leaving our partner (the counsellor) to be in the room. When we re-entered, he told us to relate a happy story to our partner. But they weren't listening! They were fidgeting & all! It's really entertaining la, to say the least. He really makes my day when it comes to learning.

&.. WE also got our adv dip uniforms today. It looks so huge! Not to mention long. I think they're realli training us to be purists. More like nuns our uniform!

It was home subsequently. I realli have to start on my revision & assignments la. It's already week 5. How time flies, when u want it to remain still.

Defining loneliness

2008-01-27T00:15:00.000+08:00

The person who said that solitude doesn't equate to loneliness was right.
I'm not in solace.
But loneliness defines me.
I embrace it, coz it's juz so faithful to me.
Becoz, it refuses to leave myside.

Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku
Banyak kata
Yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
Kepada dirimu
Aku ingin engkau slalu hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Sepanjang hidupku
Aku ingin engkau slalu hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Meski waktu akan mampu memanggil seluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tahu

Greatest fears

2008-01-21T21:09:00.000+08:00

Knowledge brings you wisdom, or so they say.
The knowledge that out of 5 female University graduatues, only 1 will get married, scares me.
I used to be 1 full of ambition & drive.
Of wants & wishes.
But lately.
My priorities have changed a bit.
I don't wanna die alone in a Nursing home you see.
I wana share my life with some1.
To have someone, who shares the same dreams, aspirations & is able 2 calm your fears.

I don't wanna be the OTHER girl.
The 1 you call when your partner is fast aslp.
Or the 1 you spend time with, when She's at work.
The 1 you run to, when you are bored.

I don't wanna be 2nd best.
The person you settled for, becoz I was there @ the right time & place.
Not because you thought that I completed you.
That we complement each other.
And that the void in your life has been filled.

I wanna be that person that you dream off.
The person you've been waiting for.
The person you felt, you were lucky to have.
The person you would not want to lose.

I am none, but, neither any of the above.
I'm simply me.
Full of worries, Full of uncertainties.

What I know best, is that I'll care the best for the patients who needs me most.
Emotionally, when they are down.
Physically, when they are weak.
Mentally, coz I am around.

I'll be there to clean their bottoms.
To wipe their saliva
& to feed their Meals.
To remember their Medications,
Becoz I know they'll need me more than you do.

I just wished you'd one day need me too.

Skeletons in the closet

2008-01-15T22:46:00.000+08:00

Everyone has a secret or maybe secrets.
Maybe it's just a matter of time,
or how deep you wanna dig into someone's past
B4 u found it.
It's amazing what you can hide superficially.
But still, it somehow chooses to surface out eventually.
So hey.. just like what Madonna said..
hmmm hmmm My baby's got a secret..

welcoming 08!

2008-01-03T22:42:00.000+08:00

Hello every1, I doubt that any1 reads dis blog animore which is y I am finally updating it!
Anyhow. I cant believe that 2007 has already ended. Looking back, the yr was alright. Not a bad yr. Was a pretty balanced 1.. haha.

Reflections:

Performed better at work
Finally presented a case in a clinical teaching round which I did well too
I moved on from something stagnant
Got myself 6 COACH products
Better self maintenance
Finally did something different with the hair.. had a fringe!
I went away for my birthday=)
I tried snorkelling. Hey muz gimme credit k! Im such a girlish gerl..
I went home all by myself (from an overseas trip) & survived everything w/out any1 by myside.. Im so proud of that!
& Finally, I secured a place in advance diploma=)!

But 07 was also a yr, that I realised you know.. pple move on n often enough it's w/out u knowing or even wanting it at times. So thr were a few events that deserved my congratulatory wishes..

When Joe got married in Feb..

& Zul's engagement in Decemeber.

& Those were the onli 2 occasions I wasnt invited to their joyous celebration.

I cannot remember how many engagements/wedding I've attended dis yr! You name it.. void decks, community clubs, hotels! It's amazing.. My own classmates started reproducing. I felt like I was lagging behind! Talk abt my ticking bio clock. God! im not even near an engagement!haha

So with all the hoo-haa's juz ezily summarized in words (probably I cut short lots of emotions).. I certainly hope '08 will be a fulfilling and joyous yr for myself. I didnt think of any resolutions, but you know I hope for certain wishes:

Sign up my degree in e July intake
Own better skin (Hey, im working hard on that too u know!)
Be happier, more contented
Go to a different holiday destination (Think not Indonesia/Malaysia or even Sentosa)
Dine at Hyatt (Ive been meaning to do it since forever, but keep on going to royal plaza)
Be more organized (Hey, I bought a yr planner)
Cook or bake something la..
Last but not least.. But Im not counting on it.. at least, take my basic theory test! hehe.

So here's to a higher achieving yr ahead!

My favourite month of the yr

2007-04-14T13:41:00.000+08:00

Wheeee...!!! I'm finally on leave, after what seemingly seems to be an eternal lifetime of endless work. You dont know how it good it feels to know that you have the entire 2 weekends to urself! Yay...

For 4 mths, I've been living for today. Hehe. And well, it finally came!

I'm getting a yr older nx wk, yet I feel I have yet to change my perceptions.

I still feel the same since I left skul. No doubt now I aspire & dream after more things, but I guess.. I juz haven changed much.

I just feel like @ 22, I shud feel I have achieved more, but I havent.

1/4 life crisis maybe. Haha.

But realli, I'm lucky, I know.

But as always, thr's so much inside me that I shud say, that I often dont & the words are lost b4 they are even sent across. Thr's so much in me that have remained the same, the same love for some pple, that I will nvr want to bring up bcoz it'll make things messy.

It's funny, but I still love the same places, but I have also moved on from other things eg clubbing. =) It's like I'm too tired of partying the night away. And I am starting to enjoy life @ hm too much. I'm starting to think that this post is boring.. but then thr are insufficient vocabs to describe what I am feeling now.

Let's just say complete, but not whole.

2007-03-13T20:51:00.000+08:00

You dont get wiser with age I realise.. U juz try not to mk e mistakes. Maybe it's being more cautious?

I have been living the boring mundane life. Where everything revolves ard.. what else? Work?

All work and no play makes jack a dull boy?

I wonder what that does to me..

It's realli dull what I'm doing. I'm practically living to work! Everyday I wake up, and it's off to work! haha.. How ironic. I used to complain that pple who work have insufficient time. And it's true.

I dont have time for anithing.

Suddenly. Everything is..not what it was like for me.

My perception's changed. For those of you who have not yet joined the dog life.. well congrats, but try to understand those of us who are literally dying trying to live & make everything else work. (oh god, that dreaded word again).

How grateful M i to my Mom who muz have been bloody zonked out after work, when I was younger, but she still could entertain me. One day when I have one of my own, I dont even know whether my patience will stretch that far?

tsk tsk.

Im worried for myself. My health & my sanity.

becoz you loved me

2007-02-13T23:06:00.000+08:00

Ok in abt 1 hr, it's gonna be V day.
It's gonna be the time when the whole world would be preoccupied til the point of obsession in their declaration of L-O-V-E..

I liked that day coz almost everything would be in pink =)

And over the yrs.. as I get older & time seems to pass even faster..

I juz cant help but feel a bit weird. Y was it when I was still in skool. When no1 gaf a flying F*** abt this day, that I felt I was more loved..

I mean those days when someone bought for me a ring from perllini's silver.. hehe.

or a teddi bear that said "I need you".

I still haf them somewhr chucked in my room.

I was reading Zul's blog. And I cant help but feel happie for him.
He used to love me.. But I wasnt what he needed.

I was needy & selfish. And we had lotsa fights. I guess it was a blessing for him that all of that happened b/w us as it brought him to her.

And I am very sure as I am reading this today, he's more than happy with her. I will always pray that their destiny with each other will last til eternity.

Today, as I am writing this down, I am very sure that there are a couple of people who are still in love with me. For now & maybe for always?

Love is a simple, often made complicated emotion.

It can build and at times break you. And now, as I am sitting in front of the computer, surrounded my V day gifts, I cant deny.. I have evolved from the gerl whom no1 wanted to be associated with, to the gerl.. pple ask for dates.

Today, an ex classmate of mine said he has fallen for me again.. but haha. He has a gf. And I m sure.. his gf wud kill me shud she ever find out.hehehe... and we wud haf a memorable V day. And suzi's flying of today & Im working PM shift.. so yah. Im gonna be one of the losers who'd be dateless? haha. I dont tink im a loser la. Id juz want Vday everyday =)

So here's a happy valentines to my bestest friends who were thr for me throughout, my family who were very supportive of everything I did, all the Rights & allowing me to learn from all the wrongs & of coz to the Men of my life. haha (Mcm byk gitu), some greatly missed & some gladly forgotten. =P

I nvr felt I was out of love or short of it.

TGIF?

2007-02-02T17:42:00.000+08:00

It took me so bloody very long juz to write this coz I had to convert to the new blogger. God would onli imagine coz most of u would already know abt my impatience (outside of e wd).

Aniwae..

I had caught the SG-Thailand match.. It was damn fun! Felt like I was having a live-commentator beside me! hehe. But realli even for a gerl who barely watches footie much more than play the game itself, I feel that SG players are realli "manja". They are not interested in running for the ball, more so in waiting for it to come! It's like they play a whole lot more defense than attacking.

But then, 1 for singapore boys being passive.. The Thai's were even weirder deciding that they would not even play on! For someone like me who is like worlds apart from sport, I for that know that that isnt such beautiful sportsmanship. Because sometimes, winning is just luck (like lottery hehe) but to know that you have put in your bestest and mostest effort.. At least you have dignity even if you might even lose.

Oh well. We shall see if they trash us in Thailand this Sunday. Hur Hur.

Well, that's all for Soccah... Now back to my l!fe.

I wanna go for IPL or chemical peel & I dont know if SGH does it. And if it does, does it charge as staff rate.. But then to meet all the Drs that we already know.. Aiyah. Embarassing leh!
I shall go & find out abt it on my sleeping/rest day. Cannot mk it sia... Muz go for self maintainence. That's the onli goal I haf for '07. Heheh.

To think that I m already 22 come April is like a rude awakening for me. Sure I m young stil. But it's fast. Like Gosh. Wasnt in juz yesterday that I was happily "legal".

It's true that age are just numbers. However, the more I see Children & Young couples.. I sometimes feel at stress. Coz I can hear my eggs ticking away! Now I know what the bio clock shit is abt. Coz apparently the best time to conceive is b4 u reach the big 3!

I shud go clubbing or something. Live a little.

I shud travel more. Dine at fancy pancy restaurants. Pamper myself. I mean while I m single, and I can afford to.

A little late, but I reflecting on '06, these were the things I attained:

Turn 21 with 4 Celebrations.. Family, Friends & Him. Who could celebrate her birthday for a week?
Promoted to SN1
Went to Langkawi with Alice
Bought the Guess luggage
Got myself a Gucci wallet!
Get to fall madly in love & heartbroken
Finally finally went to a dermatologist (& still spending more moolah thr)
Got into my 1st ever accident that qualified me for 4 days MC summore during my leave & I still went to Pulau lang tengah the day after that accident with a contused foot
Had my 1st foot Xray after the accident
Tried my 1st mocktail in a club : Virgin Mary.. Couldnt be more disgusting
Bought 3 more new pairs of Enzos/Nine wests
Bought myself flowers
Got my iPod video
Dine at hotels thrice
Grew my hair till my butt.. (& chopped it off)

you must not know what I mean..

2007-01-19T20:43:00.000+08:00

In e midst of smoke and the sounds of India.. Suzi & I was engaged in such "heavy" conversation..

Coz u see.. after days of long considering ourselves to be part of the "SYTs" (sweet young things), we juz kinda figured we wont b SYTs for too long. esp since if the 2 of us wanted to get married by 25 which will be in 2010, we shud get planning n saving up.

Like u know.. eg get engaged nx yr? Yeah who'd have tot tat we r juz a decade away from M'sia's vision of the 2020!

It's like it seeemed suddenly so real. That Im not juz gonna go from the east to the west w/out having a fiance. I meant like... gosh! Im 23 nx yr!!

And to even illustrate the pt tat I maybe too xhausted,

I fell aslp when Im supposed to go out.. haiz.

Nvm, I shall go out tomorrow. I nd a life la. And by that, it doesn include pubbing at some indian pub at clarke quay surrounded by indian music. hehe.

picture perfect

2007-01-16T23:11:00.000+08:00

I was looking thru who browsed my friendster..
And I saw my friend's bf looking at me.

In his profile, I c lotsa pix of hers. It's funny, but no1 seems to see the cracks in those almost perfect picture.

Who could blame them? Both were equally attractive.

But hey beneath perfection..

Thr's always room for question.

Happy annivesary sayang..

2007-01-08T02:53:00.000+08:00

Have you ever met that someone whom you loved too much?
Would u with all you had let him/her go??

That person
who'll groan at the corny part of the movie together with you
who can emphatise with work stress best
whose smile is the warmest
whose arms are the most comforting
who will sacrifice his sleep for your comfort and safety?
whose eyes will reflect you in them

Of coz together with your silly arguments..
and the wrong words used during conversations..
the endless jealousy.

Why was it that after 2 mths..
Of tears, unbearable silences..
Everything just felt like it was just yesterday that I had you.
That you're the 1st person I want to call when things go wrong..
Why is it that the most comfort comes from you, when I needed re-assurances?
That you still could calm me down?
And I still believed you when you tell me everything's gonna be okay..
That your arms are the ones I find solace in

I cant stand it when you talk as if I am getting married tomorrow.
To know that what we had and what we shared is only temporary..
To know I cant be your wife
& that forever wont be ours..

I cannot hear your voice and not want you here
I cannot watch you and not want to touch your face
I cannot walk beside you, and not naturally hold your hands..
I cannot sit beside you and not want to smell your shirt
I cannot lie beside you and not want to love you more..

I cannot not know how to love you.
When that is what all I know best.

Yang terindah
Terlukis di bibir mu
Tak pernah ku lihat senyum mu
Sebegitu
Pudar kah sudah cinta yang ku beri
Berwarna warni segala
Yang dijanjikan ia
Chorus
Usah biarku bersendirian
Usah biar hati mu di tawan
Usah biar diri ku di sini
Seorang menunggu tanpa teman
Usah lepas genggaman tangan mu
Usah biar semua berlalu
Usah terlupa perasaan hati
Pertama kali kita bertemu
Usah lepaskan

Bridge
Tak mudah ku melupa segala yang berlalu
Ku ingin selalu bersama mu

Repeat Chorus

Ku tak peduli apa sebabnya
Engkau dan dia harus bersama
Mendungnya langit bila berkata
Kita patutnya masih bercinta
Usah lepaskan
Usah lepaskan
Usah lepaskan
Yang terindah
Terlukis di bibir mu
Tak pernah ku lihat senyum mu
Sebegitu

*"Kadang2 orang yang kita paling sayang adalah orang yang paling susah untuk disayangi."*

beauty in a bottle

2006-12-31T01:08:00.000+08:00

If U ever had the chance to step into my room, u'd notice that it is very girlish.. Soft toys, decos in all hues of pinks & U cant miss the amt of beauty products on my dresser..

I haf e make up removers.. the facial wash.. the scrubs..the masks..the pore packs..
Then thr's e make up.. concealers, two-ways, blusher, eyeshadows, eyeliners, eyebrow pencils, glosses, lip stick, shimmers
And thr's the applicators, the multiple brushes to mk everything ezily applied!

I admit it.. I am so girly.. it's beyond the tahan-able circumstances at times. haha. But that's what makes me a girl right..that I am not going to step out of my house w.out looking my best=)

It's not just the room u c.. it's in the bag too. My bag is a mobile emergency face kit.. I have everything I nd.. wet wipes..umbrellas..tissues...my make up kit...perfume... it's irritating to be my bf, I know! haha

Dont know la.. Im juz a firm believer of beauty in a bottle!

"I belong to me I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflecti
on I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me"

xmas

2006-12-25T17:18:00.000+08:00

It didnt snow, but it certainly rained.
I cant stand him.. how he's constantly on my mind or how he would make an unwelcomed appearance in my dream.

Like gimme a break! I've been working hard, I've been so tired. And I just cant stop it.

I know sooner or later pple will gt bored hearing of this, but since this is my blog, I can say anithing I please.

It's been 2 mths now, but the hurt does not subside/..

Someone said.. When such things happened, thr'll always be unanswered questions, but you just have to leave them behind.

It's like a cliche, how w/out him.. the world just moves on, time passes.. but everything's the way it was when he left.

I know Men are wired differently.. I m one of those woman who reads too much into things. But who can blame me? I am a Nurse. I am taught to anticipate events! but this.. was definitely much less than anticipated.

I don't know. It's just so not ez. He made it sound like it was, but I can sure as hell guarantee it's not.

I just felt so lost like I have lost the passion to live (but that does not mean I'd rather die).
Things that I used to enjoy doing eg shopping, reading, lazing at the beach.. it has all lost it's charms. I have forgotten to love having fun, afterall I have lost what I had loved and love.
I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. Like I just do things, you know paint emotions on my face but I just do not feel. I m numb with all the tears that I've been crying nights after nights. My appetite is poor.. and Im losing wt (Im now 35kg). It's affectin me & I know I shud move on. But let's be honest.. This is gonna take long. I dont care how many guys I can have, if I wanted to. It's like..the betrayal is too huge for me to just let it go, to pretend it went unnoticed.

Yes, I made all those mistakes.. the blaming, the impatience, the having too many guys as friends and the thing abt the h/p.. But it was so shallow and such simple unimportant things! I still can't picture him loving sum1 else. How can I go on? I fight hard to not break deown in public... but my sorrows shows. I had loved him, and I was willing to accept the imperfections... why does God have to do this to me? I'm in so much of pain.. too much that sometimes, it's just too hard to tolerate.

It's just that I love him and all I am asking in return is reciprocation.

It is indeed funny that all these is reminding me of when I was 15 & hw my crush was infatuated with someone else. Judging from my appearance, no1 wud ever call me the Queen of unrequited love, but wat can I say, that is what this is abt. Abt giving what he dont want. Abt being thr when u're not needed. Abt loving when all he said was"it's different now."

I just hope I have the strength to carry on.
Thr is just too many reasons that I have to.

Of coz, perhaps if I was Beyonce I'd be singing these instead:
You must not know 'bout meYou must not know 'bout meI could have another you in a minuteMatter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)You must not know 'bout meYou must not know 'bout meI'll have another you by tomorrowSo don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'You're irreplaceableSo since I'm not your everythingHow about I'll be nothing? nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)Baby i won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you)I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is)Replacing you is so easy

Y the radio might juz kill me!

2006-12-23T01:54:00.000+08:00

A song to remind me of our happiest times..
*Dramatic Sigh*

Stars Are Blind
I don't mind spending some time
Just hanging here with you
Cuz I don't find too many guys
That treat me like you do
Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride
But when I walk their talk is suicide
Some people never get beyond their stupid pride
But you can see the real me inside
And I'm satisfied, oh no, ohh

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mineI can make you nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Baby i'm perfect for you
My love, ohh ohI could be your confidante
Just one of your girlfriends
But I know that love's what you want
If tomorrow the world endsWhy shouldn't we be with the one we really love?
Now tell me who have you been dreaming of
At night at home? oh no, ohh

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine
I can make you nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel tooGot a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Baby i'm perfect for you

Excuse me for feeling
This moment is critical
Might be me feeling
It could get physical, oh no, no no

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mineI can make you nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Let's see what this love can do
Baby I'm perfect for you
Baby I'm perfect for you
Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind

And I know Im a nurse

2006-12-22T00:52:00.000+08:00

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It tookher two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!
You know you're a nurse if.....
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley.
Your sense of humour gets more warped each year.
Almost everything can seem humorous....eventually.
You know the smell of different diarrhoea well enough to identify it.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You check the caller id on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.
Everytime someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.
You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult"
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co worker and to holler if they need help.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank
You find yourself checking out other customers veins in grocery waiting lines.You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off. >>
>>Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.>>>>
You have seen more penises than any prostitute
>>>>>>>>If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, >>its just>>to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental >>status/sanity.>>Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humour, >>fairly>>normally and very responsibly. >>Scary huh?? BUT SO TRUE OF MOST OF US....

never a fan of friendster

2006-12-21T01:47:00.000+08:00

I was nvr a fan of friendster as I always felt it was a tad pretentious.

=)

And somehow, it reinforces my belief that I was not a friend of friendster too.
Of coz no1 wud u/stand what I am rambling abt...

I met Suzi for a dinner date at Siam Kitchen & it finally dawned on me that we have nvr dined thr.. but I have memories thr too.

Suzi was stunning as always..And we always enjoyed our tete-a-tee..
I've missed her, I know I always will. And I wonder whr will we be. Nx yr is coming to soon. Thr r major decisions to be made.. & I have to stop putting things off. I nd to clear my mind & stop moping ard. I will let him believe what he wanted to hear. And it will seem real.

Our journey might have ended for now. But who can be so sure for tomorrow. Life is such that it is unpredictable & that is what makes it sweet.

I have loved & I have lost. I nd to work towards improving myself. I nd to let myself have some ME time. Time to go for long overdue maintenance..haha.. Time to think abt what I wanna upgrade, adv dip/degree. Time for deciding.

We cant live forever, but let it be known that while we lived,We did the best & lived the best we could...

It's funny, my self esteem suffered a huge blow.
Seperation has a way of making you feel inadequate...
But like I said at work, "as a Staff Nurse, I had done the best I could in my capabilities to provide the utmost care for my patients, but some situations are beyond human control/predictions & thrfore to classify them as - preventable or - unpreventable would be an unjust decision."

2006-12-18T08:56:00.000+08:00

I did not want to meet him.. bcoz I was afraid.. & yet stubbornly, I took a chance.
We met & things hit off. Thr was attraction & strong chemistry. We were in e same frequency & silently, but surely.. I had wanted something from that.. Still I was still much reserved.

You see.. I was always afraid of losing. Always afraid of abandonment. That sense of being incomplete. Broken. Unfixed.

I did not want to meet him bcoz I did not want to b afraid to lose him.
And when I met him, I liked him, I loved him & I eventually lost him.

He made me believe in him & me.. that thr was a possibility of forever.

Bcoz if thr was 1 thing I can tell u, even forever seems not enough. We spend almost every waking moment together.

If u were to ask me, y did I feel that I loved him too much.. It was simply bcoz he was e 1 person whom I felt comfortable with..that person whom I share everything with. I trusted him. He wanted to be a bf, but he was more than that. He nvr knew that he was more than just a BOYFRIEND. He was my my partner, my companion, my friend and my confidante. He was e 1st person I think abt when I awake.. and the last that lingers in my mind b4 i slp.. he's e reason I work faster so I can finish on time, e reason I can smile with such little slp & he's also the reason Y I cry.

My world fell apart when he left me..bcoz I build it ard him. Everything abt having a life that I've known, Ive built it on the ground that I tot.. we wont end.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But things ended. He walked out, left me behind. Suddenly. Im 1 person in this world. Im no longer associated with someone. Im no longer someone's important half. I am alone.

It was a shitty feeling, still is. God knws hw many months I spent crying over him...It was a dull aching feeling in my heart. A sick feeling in my stomach that stopped me from eating..

I guess when I finally decided to actualli pick up my shit and stop looking so miserable like I juz got knock down by a lorry was bcoz.. he was ever so ready to move on. Despite all my efforts, despite all that I had felt.. he felt it was not a gd reason to stay. He made it known to the world he was SINGLE at that place whr he made such a big deal. And I dont blame him. We all know that every1 has choices and he juz wants to be out of my life. He made it so clear, I cud not gt it wrong.. and I can tell u.. it hurts so so bad. Rejection, unrequited love? Those were not words used in e same sentence when u r talking abt me. I took it bad. I missed him, I still do.. but. (I do not nd to say anything much abt this).

So.. after ventilating abt all that misery..

my colleague said sth that made me want to strangulate her..
"But hw can u look so happy? So radiant?"

Oh my god.. if ever I cud re-emphasize.. during a break up, e best defense against feeling miserable was to tk cr of urself.. eat even if u dont feel like it.. and dress like u realli want to be a functionable individual.

I did all that.. and no1 believes that ive been thru these. And im glad I dont look the part.

Im glad Im still here.. Thr are many qns that will be unanswered.

Thr will be alot of whatif's..
But we all know.. we live in a connected world. And SG isnt that big.

If he ever wud want things to work oout

We dont nd to spell it out for him.

"But I'm in so deep.
You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger? "

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v602/kat017/mng.jpg[/IMG]

2006-12-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

U know.. I think if my friends were to describe me, they'd say Im straight forward, direct and at times tactless when necessary. They'd say Im strong..

But. at times, I am anithing but that. Especially Now, Im far from anithing close to that.. More than ever.. I try to pull through now. Trying ever so hard with all I have not to wilt and die, when all I feel is doing that...

I dont know what to do to myself sometimes.. when looking at pix makes me sad.. I juz cant help but study ur face. haha.. Oh god.. Contradicting & being an oxymoron. I cant stand myself.

I mean like give me a break... everywhr ard me.. jingles are going along the lines of "'tis e season to be jolly! la la la la"...

hahah.. I think Im like the person who has tat dampened spirit in seasons with so much joy and love.

When the whole world seems to be living in carols.. Im having sad love songs as my anthem... haha.. (juz listen to me!)

Aniwae.. Dido says it best..

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harderOr return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"Then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

*And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on*

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

A ring for eternity

2006-12-11T23:01:00.000+08:00

I think I m ur perfect eg of an overworked Singaporen. I haven seen my friends for yonks I tell U... AIYOH>>>. I wannnnn to meet them but I have so many afternoon shifts and nights this wk. And I wont noe hw nx roster is coz e request bk was overflooding!

Aniwae, Sunday we went to CT's wedding.. Haiz... I have mixed feelings I tell u abt u. It's like, yes.. it's the happiest day for 2 pple and they are sharing their joy by their celebration through ceremonial lunches n dinners.. BUT HW CAN A PERSON LIKE ME SURVIVE WEDDINGS!!! haha.. Oh god, the endless instigations. I will nvr c e end of these. hahah.

WE didnt go out after that tho coz..U know it was pouring heavily. WEll, not that it stopped me previouly... BUT.. like evrything else, times have changed! haha..

And today at work... I told my clerk to scold the wd 45 SN. Coz she didnt want to transfer e pt to oursideee juz coz she has written her report.. and den..wen e pt came up.. I was laughing so hard coz it was my classmate cum friend! OH god.... she's back frm Aussie.. so nice. Im so envious.. she's already armed wif a degree sehhh.. unfair!

I WANT I WANT I WANT!!

Feeling Betta

2006-12-08T18:01:00.000+08:00

It seems like dis days my feelings are ever so fluctuating. Makes it seems like Im suffering from bipolar.

Today I m much more calmer. U know I have this belief that how u feel have a thing or to 2 to do with ur surrounding. Today I washed 1/2 of my laundry which I have been putting off since forever. Folded the new clothes that I have bought which had been sitting in the shopping bags for months..Vacuumed the dust which may have given birth to various sorts of bugs and not to mention even scrubbed the loo! Man. I am productive! haha.. No, not in THAT sense.

So now that the room is cleaner, the house is cleaner, things are sparkling.. I feel a lil at ease too. Sure thr's alot of unwarranted thoughts that has ALWAYS been looming in my head. It's things like what I wud have done differently.

Im talking abt friendships here. I dont know. It's like some pple have this opinion that I dont seem to put in sufficient effort in2 friendships. Dont make enuff effort to c, talk, txt dem often enuff. And sadly, I cud nt disagree. But that doesnt mean I didnt care. The TCC talk at bugis was true.. It's juz u know. Things happened. And alot of what I am saying here wudnt justify my actions, but what I am saying is that.. If I cud, I wudnt want to lose any of my friends. I wudnt want to gif them up. I'd wanna try again. I miss all of them so much.

Mayb it's to do with alot of deaths. U know. Death has a way of making u re-evaluate the life u r having.

I dont know. Thr still pple angry wif me, disappointed.. and a whole lot of other words. But what I am saying is.. Please let us all try again. Life is too short to be throwing beautiful things that ezily. We build our f/ships over time. Dont let anithing let them falter..coz Im still that person who still harbours her insecurities beneath the cool n calm xterior.

heartbreaks lasts as long as u want dem to.

2006-12-05T22:50:00.000+08:00

I wondered who on earth thought abt that.

Aniwae. I saw 1 advert event.

Something that perhaps he and I would have wanted to do, if things were not to change.

But him, being him. Would juz re-emphasize.. "things have changed now." And yes, I do know that.. though it is not ez to digest.

Oh God. U juz dont know.. how on earth I get through each day. I wonder. Why am I having such a hard time when most probably every1 will juz say.. it happens to every1.

When will it be ok? Will it ever be okay? I know he's ready to move on. He's made it very clear to the world.

I juz hate myself so much. For being this weak, this helpless.

Ok. b4 u gt bored reading this.. here's some pix to show that yes.. I still can keep my feelings in check and hide them when situation calls.

I guess I juz have to be patient and buy the "time will heal all wounds." haha.

what ferst dates wud look like:

cousins

p/s: Bumping into Nas was a reminder that even I was fatter than he was! haha.

To cure your ailments.

2006-11-26T11:23:00.000+08:00

We cope differently.
It is not ez to walk away from what was familiar, from what was safe.
No1 said it was gonna b ez leaving and throwing what you trusted with ur eyes closed shut.

But what if sumthing that u trust THAT much cud hurt you so bad?
What if that 1 thing that made u happiest, wud make u sad?
What if the days that U lived for, is gone?
The cessation of FOREVER going on?

Cud U go to slp at night?
Or wud even darkness seemed too bright?
Wud the duvet that U slp on be a painful reminder,
Something that you will cry over and make you ponder?

That when pple tell u how good u look,
It juz reminded you that ur effort paid off, everything it took.
Juz to pretend that it is ok.
That behind those painted smiles are juz plain lies.
Of what was once happiness.
Of those that was shared, the thoughts that was beyond honest.

Everyday.. you tell urself it'll be alright.
Everyday a reminder of how much you have tried.
Of how even then it is not enough.
And. Again. You pretend.. you even laugh.

But onli God knows.
How much.. How much it hurts so bad inside.
Why you hide so much from everyone.
So no1 will know.
So no1 can come close.
So no1 can hurt you.

You say today will be different,
but you know deep down it'll be the same.
To someone else, this is just a game.
That you were onli, but a name.

A headache can be cured with paracetamol,
A sorethroat with lozenges & thymol..
A backache with a ketotop.
But a heartache? Maybe too much time & lots of crushed hope.

2006-10-10T17:25:00.000+08:00

Okay I dont know y I was thinking abt Sweet Valley High. What was the twins surname or who was Elizabeth's BF's name and who was Jessica Wakefield's rich bestfriend. Haha. The books I read when I was young. So fake! haha.

And I couldnt stop smiling to myself when I tot abt 1 of my days when I was a chronic clubber who parties every weekend. Thr was once when we sat at the roadside and trying to hitch a ride. Some cabs did stop.. but they were eastbound so no hope. Up till there was this merc benz cab who agreed to drop 3 of us for a mere 10 buckaroo. hahaha... God. Dont even ask me whr I put my face in such situation.

Then finally now. I look at whr I am. How pple perceive me to be. And how maybe they might not be able to see who I was. Or what I am realli like. At work. I am thought to be 1 of the more stricter peeps. Who r actualli not so bo chap. Kinda hard ah. Considering I am realli not like that in life. I mean ya hey.. I reach work early to have a mental preparation of what to expect in the day.. But i can nvr be early when I m meeting friends. TRUST ME! I have not enuff discipline the way I am when I m working..

The Dr Jekyl N Miss HyDE In me...

Yesterday we went out for a dinner date. It was a first in many. And I was glad I went. I was always said to be too young to be working. hey babes.. I cant agree more..

The food was good, the company was great. Hehe. I finally used my hand and gaf up when I was de-shelling the prawns. I tellllll U... it's finger licking good! haha. Okey.. here pix!

superwoman

2006-10-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

I sometimes hate being SENIOR. Sheesh. I can have heart disease or hypertension shud this cont 10 more yrs down e rd. I cant stand this new girls. U tell them things once, it's not enuff. U muz nag and nag and nag.. and I used to wonder y sister nagged so much last time. Haha. Now I realli noe. It's coz when u have a certain standard of doing work esp in an established and traditional organization... it's realli hard to juz do work "bo chap"ly.

So. U cud onli imagine. I cant wait till my nx leave slot. God. They shudnt allow this to happen to me. My new acting supervisor is so pretty and hot. Haha. Ok. Maybe I shall contemplate on aiming to be sister by 25. When my colleague said that to me i used to laugh. but hey.. sister's been telling me to go for courses. And maybe I shud. I realli don't know.

Had such a ridiculous day today. BUt nvm.

I miss my friends so much. Even the asshole is overseas for 2 mths. Haiyoh. Despite what he did.. wattodo. Friends are friends right.. tho he was an assholic friend who obviously got very confused.

Hmm. Anyway. Ive been doing so little of staff nurse work and so much of guiding my junior staff nurses that I sometimes feel funny. And everyday I am incharge of different rooms. My colleague said maybe that's a sign I am turning into a superwoman.

.... Thr was this guy whom I had a ridiculous crush on back in sec skool. He friendster txt me and gave me his no. ahha.... wth. Men. Cant live with them, cant live without them.

Skin Deep

2006-09-25T03:21:00.000+08:00

When I got back from my leave...
Literally almost everyone said I looked good.
Said that my complexion has improved & that I have that glowing aura.
haha.
Well. Guess my dermatologist deserve a pat on his back..
For making my skin this good. =)

Maybe.. it's the start of Ramadhan.. or something.
I went online to look at friendster as usual.. and somehow.. I juz ignored most pple on my MSN list as usual.

My neighbour msged me saying that he's sorry over everything that happened and that he missed my presence in his life.

Thr are so many words that can describe how I felt.

But, USED & BETRAYED would be the best.

He said he could understand if I couldnt find it in my deepest heart the will to forgive him.

But I juz said I needed time.

I told him I am realli hurt but I am glad he finally said sorry.

And I said.. even tho I know that we will nvr be.. I juz have to put it in e back of my mind whatever shit that has happened yrs ago and recently.

It juz hurts me to know he did what he did coz he knew he could.

No one shud be able to do that and leave others feeling helpless. And toyed.

And what was worse I said was that it wasnt just once.

It wasnt just one time that he did something and disappeared. I can't forget all of this. And even all the words he said were genuine, I juz couldnt juz say "I forgive you".

And even if I did forgive, I know I won't forget.

We just have done so much and been through so long. And it took him so long to realise when I said "You've changed too much."

If only. Guys would be sure what they want from me.
Like him. He should have just remained as a friend.

"It just wasn't missing you. It was having a void in my life. Like something was missing. Something wasn't right."

Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
and you fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into
honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no

Always always complicated...

wilted

2006-09-06T03:10:00.000+08:00

Life is funny.

Funny coz when u work hard, u dont get e credits @ times..
And no matter hw much u loved someone, that person juz doesnt love you back.

I juz had 1 of my most down moments this wk.
Dont know why.. I was vacuuming & dusting..
And throwing junk out of my bags...
And I juz felt that hollow empty feeling.
That feeling of loneliness.

How ironic that I shud be lonely, when lonely is the last thing that I am, U might be thinking.

But my friend.. to be lonely & to be alone. Is, but a difference.

Im feeling lonely. But Im definitely not alone.

For, one can feel lonely even if he's in a crowded room.

And one can be alone, yet feel complete.

Maybe Im juz lost. Searching what I have nvr found.

Wanting what I might not need.

... and maybe needing what I dont want.

Im scared of losing.
Im scared of being alone..
And Im even scared of being unloved.

Im such a parasite.. I thrive on another's presence...
And though I nd sometime alone now..
That's not what I want in the long run.

For God didnt create Man to be an island..
But to be surrounded by the pple he loves.

Watching a cynical movie doesnt help.
Maybe the truth is just too real for me to accept.

Green? Nothin that I like.

2006-08-30T09:13:00.000+08:00

I juz finished my 3rd night, when my senior supervisor came. We had dis like mini meeting session at the corridor (private issue) over some important matters. I was quite surprised to realise that we werent gonna get any of e blame even tho that was v much quite e culture at times.

You see, abt exactly a yr ago, I used to b disturbed by the fact that my supervisor then liked to picked on me n point out my mistakes, or so I thought. Everything I did was wrong. And nothing was even satisfactory. It is deeply hurting and I guess being young & fresh outta skool didnt help.

1 of my Aunt's said something along the lines: "Alah Ainie, Awak tgg nx yr bila awak dah tk junior lagik.. nanti dia pick on freshies pulak".

Simply translated: Ainie U juz wait till nx when u r less junior, then she'll pick on the freshies.

Back then, those words had little comfort coz I was still going home late & crying when I did reach home. Every day was tiring. And every thought I had was abt work (It still is abt work NOW). I actualli cudnt stand the idea of going to work. It didnt help that my seniors loved to pass very untactful comments.

It was pretty much expected when she blamed e new girl over the issue we were discussing. I simply felt quite sympathetic and much empathy for her. Coz we all have been thr. We have been the greenhorn once. And the butt of the very unfunny jokes that our subordinates & superiors have made.

Of coz, now that I am considered senior & that they listen to me & even my superiors value my opinion, things are very much different. I guess it is true when they say that respect must be earned, and I have worked tremendously hard for mine.

On another note.. I was reading something lately. And someone is leaving the country for a while. And I cant help wondering y that someone nvr mentioned anything to me abt leaving. Sometimes, I cant but help feel a tiny bit enivous of the things taht person said. Coz, as much as I hate to admit this, but I guess e green eyed monster is still hiding beneath my deep brown eyes...

what it means

2006-08-12T22:59:00.000+08:00

I felt so impossibly tired..
So drained, beyond description.
I could feel all the aches in my muscles.
And the empty dull aching in my heart.
No.
This isnt a heartbreak.
THIS. is me. BURNT OUT.

Im tired of working after returning from my 4 days leave.
In fact, Im always tired after days off.
I dont feel rested.
I just feel overworked.

How ironic.

Today is a weekend.
Yet, it seemed not much different from any other day in the week.
I went to work with 3H of slp.
Walked ard feeling like thr's a block of weight over my shoulder.
I showered at work today.
Went to my cousin's wedding in GEYLANG.
And den went to watch fireworks at Mount Faber
I had one of the most beautiful memories thr.
And I created another 1 today with my family.

I'm sure that all of us has ever fallen for someone.
So afraid to love someone @ the start.
And so afraid to lose that person after u loved him/her.
Like maybe the way I miss Suzi.
How. At times I wondered, how it'll be. Our friendship once she settles down.
And priorities changed.

I am afraid to lose the pple I love, but it is only natural that circumstances change. And they say you dont have to stop loving the person, as long as you can accept the change.

Now & Then

2006-06-20T15:00:00.000+08:00

It's funny when I think abt it, how I used to date guys who treated me bad,
pple who'd say they'd call, but don't & even better, not breaking up but simply keeping silent till I gt the hint.

It seems that we've passed that. And that was juz a part of the past, but somehow everytime I think abt it, it's funny when these same pple are asking for 2nd chances. Becoz we all know it... that we all remember things, no matter how long it has been.

So I remembered being envious of friends who had their pick. who could choose who to date. Back in skul, I was juz glad someone could love me for me. But now, juz like them, I have my choices too. And unlike back then, it could be more of a curse than a blessing.

It is indeed funny how life turns out. What choices we are presented with. And the choices we make.

But like everything else that comes with the choices are consequences... and as I get older. I juz feel that with life it seems, you juz dont seem to know what's gonna happen next.

2006-05-24T22:46:00.000+08:00

I went to a interhospital debate today. Omigod. It so reminded me of skool days with pom poms and banners. It was fun la. I felt young once again! haha.

The weekend was gd fun. In fact, any weekend is gd fun. I love weekends and its like it doesnt help im a Nurse and Im gonna have to work night nx weekend. But anyway, Suzi's party was fun. Not alot of pple turn up tho (expectedly). But it was fun nonetheless.. coz. I gt to spend time wif dem.. awwww...

Aniwae. here's some pix for u guys ya. I think dis blog is like almost dying. I have so much to say but i cant b bothered to type it out. hehehe.

deceit

2006-04-24T12:22:00.000+08:00

My happiness has resulted in a lot of sorrows for some.
How selfish of me, to think of only me myself & I. Sometimes it is juz so impossible to please everyone. Only god knows how tired I am. How tired I am of trying to please everyone just so that I can be that person that they can love.

Sometimes it's like.. I'm drifting in the air.. like I dont really know where to go & what to do. I keep telling myself everything will turn out right, but I honestly don't know what right is.

There's only 365 days in a yr, 52 weeks in a yr, 7 days in a week and only 24 hrs in a day. How come how come do I feel that there isnt enough time for everyone and myself. Time and time again, love simply juz aint enough to move things along.

I'm frustated and fed up as it is. It's like. I juz wanna give up and die.

Thing is, I nvr meant to hurt anyone. I cannot afford to hurt fragile hearts. But that is what seemingly to be the case. I juz keep tripping along.. unintentionally, I juz gt u hurt again.. and again.. and I juz dont know if u can forgive me anymore.

Update pls!

2006-04-20T13:10:00.000+08:00

Im finally 21!

Whenever I say that out loud, I realli cant believe it. Coz deep down inside.. I realli do not feel any much different then wen i was 14 or ever since.

But you see, I have successfully turned 21. hehehehe.

And Im on a week's leave!! weeeeeeeee.... Do you know what liberating feeling that is? Life is juz oh so gorgeous.

And I have finally at least made my room look like a room and not a rubbish dump. It realli tks alot of effort I tell you!

I actually dont realli have much to say. Xcept that it feels good to be surrounded by friends & loved ones. The important thing is in knowing that pple still care and love you. I can never emphasize how important that is to me. But I m sure i have made it a lil clearer.

And. Happy birthday to you.

"Enggan dipunya dan dipenjara belaian sayangku"

2006-03-10T23:32:00.001+08:00

A friend of mine, a real platonic of mine was telling/advising me that I should settle down or in his words "learn to give up on the fun stuffs". Well, the thing was that finding that person who loves me and is willing to care and provide for me is ez to be done. But the part abt being less confused abt the state of it all is the big qn.

So you see I have a group of pple telling me, hey Kat you are too young, seize ur youth.. dont be in a rush to settle.. and another bunch telling me, Im nt getting any younger and I should decide on 1 person to love wholeheartedly. Nothing against either one.. but how ironic can life get? At 21, u cant get more confused then moi. So bottomline, I dont realli have to listen to them. When the time comes, the things will come. And you'll get ur invites, I promise.

The thing abt love is that when you are youthful.. it juz gives u so much hope. And trust me, I even have problem spelling it, so I realli have very little knowledge regarding the very spoken abt thing here.

Love it seems is the solution and the problem to all e screw ups in life.

So, honestly. I'll give this matter a rest for now...

And yet again, another day spent at the beach.

My mom went"Awak asyik gi sentosa, tak boring ke?"

Translation: u are forever going to sentosa, dnt u gt bored of it?

Well thing is. You dont get bored of things u love.

And that my friend illustrates the simplicity of the mystery called L-O-V-E.

"Enggan dipunya dan dipenjara belaian sayangku"

2006-03-10T23:32:00.000+08:00

I could not ask for more.

2006-03-06T15:28:00.000+08:00

So my friday was spent like an octopus.. hurrying my work so that I could finish early. Ended at a record at 4.30.

Me N Wylyn was walking towards 7-11 when we bumped into Dawn by the retail pharmacy when we started to talk.. and unbelievably, we stood thr talking for an hour! Sheesh. Seems like thr was a lot to catch up on in 3 mths..She was happier. And I realised that hey ya.. it's been almost a gd yr that ive served in SGH. Amazing.

And so I gt home

And fell aslp before we went to (read this) DRAGON GATE restaurant. So chinese. But it was a halal table la. Went for a wedding.

Gt home den went to watch big Momma's house.. and was too tired by e time i reached home.

So then Saturday came and I went to Sentosa.. oh what fun it was! But my tan now is so uneven..it was realli a nice nice break from work..

And finally Sunday came. Went to Serangoon for Thosai Masala..

What a gorgeous weekend I had...

lucky lucky me!

The art of losing

2006-02-13T10:28:00.000+08:00

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

Onli bcoz u loved me

2006-01-08T01:10:00.000+08:00

Do u remember the 1st time that you decided u were attracted to someone?

That 1st sms,

That 1st phonecall,

That 1st look..

The 1st time u tot "I could like him more than a friend".

The 1st time he sent you home

And the 1st time he bought you chocolates.

And also the very ferst time..

you had that warm fuzzy feeling

The 1st time he held opened the door,

And opened your heart.

The 1st time..

That saying goodbye.. you felt shy & U smiled awkwardly at each other.

The ferst time that could be a ferst to many more.

It was the 1st day you knew him.

The 1st day that lead to many days ahead.

Of coz, thr's Nothing sweeter than romance.

I know. It aint valentines yet.

When yrs pass.. and u're still there

2006-01-06T00:43:00.000+08:00

Attraction. It's juz too ez to happen. Flings, lust and sheer fun.

It's funny. Time juz flies.. and now it's 2006.
2005 were alot of "I cant give a shit" or "I cared too much" time for me.

The yr I graduated, the yr I had my 1st job, the 1st time I did alot of crazy mindless stuff.

It's like since this yr started Ive become more of a friend than the person pple fall for. I've been listening to so many relationship problems. It scares me. Hearing the guys part of the story.

This is also the yr, Suzi is leaving SG. My aunt may b getting married. Im happy for them. But wonder where does that leave me...

It aint ez I guess. Alot of things la. Juz e start of the yr for every1. Met up with some old friends. And had a number of misunderstandings and disagreements. And I finally saw Tiffany, Din's ex today. Visited Saiful who had pneumonia. And his Mother tot I was the gf. hahaha............. If pple kept on assuming Im someone's gf, I wonder hw many bf's I'd b having now.

... And of coz arguments starts usually bcoz of the things I say. But what abt the things I did not say.Or did not hear. Sometimes. Arguments are just basically a huge misunderstanding, accumulated by years. And then they get out of proportion & u fall out.

It's been crazy for me. Alot of things are.

But it's the insanity that makes me me.

It's that insanity that draws u to me.

And that drives us apart.

As everyone else had welcomed the new yr

2006-01-01T23:52:00.000+08:00

Okay. SO I had to work both the weekends. AND the PH for this long weekend. Wattodo.

Anyway, reached work later den my usual time & earlier than I should knock off! A sign that we've already started a fantastic yr!

So aniwae. Hope u guys had a gr8 new yr celebration.

New yr or not. hey. things should always be done with such passion. right? YEP!

And of coz.. a beautiful song to start the beautiful yr ahead.

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

...you for sale?

2005-12-29T00:56:00.000+08:00

Someone who has his priorities in order, Me being at the top
Calls me 3x a day to hear my voice
Shares exciting news with me before telling every1 else
Buys me lunch when I cant leave the ward
Loves my family
Funny & sincere

If there is one day that I am gonna stoop so low. And gt VERY desperate.. that'll be my ad.

2005-12-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

Im juz that sort of person.. who makes herself scarce and invinsible, once I think youe're either avoiding me or juz not into me.

It does not disturb me what we've done, what we've shared.

Not coz I dont care.

But becoz it's easier to move on if you allow yourself to, than believing in something that's not even there.

Dis yr's prove too much to me than I want to believe in.

And certainly, Im choosing to walk away from it all.

It's not that I m tired from being dis way. It's all been a little too real.

Everytime I feel that I am nearly there. The moment of succession, it juz disappears right in front of my eyes. Like having my foot stucked in the middle of a closing door.. My life is forever left ajar. Not opened for new experiences, not closed to leave everything behind.

One whole yr.. I've tried to believe that thr's ONE person made for me. BUT everytime it juz proves me otherwise. So screw all dis happily ever after.If thr's any happy right now, Im up for it. Maybe Im juz not that person who has a happily ever after. A fairytale gone tragically wrong.

So I m saying my humble apologies. Becoz I honestly think that I cant be that person anymore. Who absorbs all the crap. Who believes in all the shit the whole world has been bullshitting on to me.

I havent found that person who loves me, for me.

Who understands my flaws, my imperfections and actualli finds it beautiful.

Men in general juz run the other way when it gts to the ugly me.

So all I can say. Is. FUCK OFF LOSERS.

BTW, ah boy that wasnt for u. I still care for u. Of coz alot of shit happened b/w us. Im juz hoping we cud still b friends.

To the rest who pretends to have fallen for me.

Seriously. Fuck the hell out of life. I cant give a shit what you think. BECOZ. I am choosing to leave u and ur crap behind. This isnt Jewel's video clip. Im nt gonna b playing dis foolish game no more.

You cant break my heart. Bcoz. It has never been in 1 solid pc since yrs ago.

It had always been broken. No one bothered to pick up the pieces after it fell apart. what's the difference now? I juz dont believe in love animore.

WE can stop pretending now.

xiao jie ah.. nie yao ji na li?

2005-12-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

My weekends were damn packed.
AND. I was sick. Been having fever for 3 days +. V sian leh. Juz visited e Doc. Tats y I practically had no social life. Anyway went to the D&D for the sake of it.

And some of my friends were suggesting that I shud join the miss SGH pageant '06.
I think I'd pass it. Knowing I'd burst out laughing if they actually made me do some funny things! Or even worse, I wouldnt even make it to the finals!

Otherwise been bz studying. And sleeping. And working. Sheesh. And they say Nurses are some sex symbol. Some sex symbol I am.

My colleague can ask whether I wanna get to know a guy. Like I even have the time to get to know anyone! Seriously. I know I should take a breather from all these madness and juz calm down & breathe. BUT! HOW TO MAN.

Yesterday halfway through txting William, I fell aslp. Man. Already my hp is being v petty to me. Do you know I hardly receive msgs til e nx day? Not that I dont wanna change my phone. BUT v sayang la. The phone is with me since poly days leh.

Anyway. At work (I so cant believe SGH can be associated with "FUN") they were playing jingle bells rock. And I was singing along to it... Ho Ho Ho. Xmas is coming ladies..

"A soo kee diamond says for you, for me, forever"

2005-12-12T02:13:00.000+08:00

"For making my spine tingle the first time we kissed
For the way your eyes still sparkle when they see me
For all the tears of laughters & sadness we shared
And for all the incredible happiness & more to come
I give you this ring, along with my heart."

You cant imagine what I am doing at 0200 hrs. Browsing through a diamond catalogue.

Y the insanity?

Well, to start I have 2 engagements to attnd to this Xmas, 2 weddings already to note for nx yr. And my sister keeps on asking me am I gonna get married?

Hw m I supposed to gt married if I dont even meet anyone suitable. Haha I know this sounds pretty silly. But I guess Im juz building castles in the air. Maybe Ive been attending too many marriage receptions or been accompanying too many gerl pals to their "mak andams" to choose their dresses and their make up. It's like everybody's getting sweeped up in it.So.. Ive started imagining what my perfect dresses would be like, in their perfect colours. What theme my colour should be. Hw I want the guests seated. It's fun when you can imagine what ur wedding is gonna be like. Keyword here being imagine. So what's missing is just the groom.

& maybe it's juz comforting to know that.. there's still hope to find a perfect groom one day.

Perfect just because I love him.

Wishin' and hopin'
And thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin'
Each night of his charms
That won't get you into his arms
So if you're looking
To find love that you can share
All you gotta do is
Hold him and kiss him and love him
And show him that you care
Show him that you care just for him
Do the things that he likes to do
Wear your hair just for him
Cause you won't get him
Thinkin' and prayin',
Wishin' and hopin'
Just

Wishin' and hopin' and
Thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin'
His kisses will start
That won't get you into his heart
So if you're thinkin'
Of how great true love is
All you gotta do is
Hold him, and kiss him
And squeeze him and love him
Just do it
And after you do
You will be his

Show him that you care
And just for him
Do the things that he likes to do
Wear your hair just for him
Cause you won't get him
Thinkin' and prayin'
Wishin' and hopin' just

Olaaaaa

2005-12-07T23:39:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone!

Im finally done with my nights!!!!!!!!!

But it was reali fun. Even heard from a dead patient. He re-visited us on our 3rd night. Im so not kidding you. He passed away at home on Saturday & on Monday night, my friend heard him asking for milo like "Missy.. kasi wa milo" and the treatment room door opening and slamming shut.

This night round was eventful. What with newly diagnosed psychiatric patient and all. And so God help me. It was realli funny. Me misplacing my handphone and finding the Mac delivery guy EXTREMELY cute. I know so not related. But wth. Who the hell cares?

And anihoo... My colleagues were telling me to get a boyfriend. Which juz got me going like.. is it like stepping into tangs? Trying on something and purchasing it if it compliments you? who hoa hoa hoa..... But honestly. It surely IS the time man! But how to get to know anyone new or get hooked up when in actual fact I am actually someone who's pretty needy and YET i have not the time to entertain my other half. It's funny how in skool it was so ez for guys to hit on you and you can juz pass him by. But now.. God. So much has happened.

I was juz re-iterating to my colleague, Iza.. how my life has changed. And I dont even know if it's for the better or worse? It's like I was oh so bloody conservative back in secondary school.. I mean check out my friendster pic ya all..With the very virgin-ist white school Uni, braces & speckies. Im your very classic school nerd sia. Took part in debate, public speaking.. Sheesh. And den I had my ferst bf whom I ACTUALLI tot I would end up marrying... How cheesy!

And den of coz it all had to end. My own tragic fairytale. Haha. Of coz the relationship ended. My O's results werent so fantastic thanks to being sidetracked and me not taking it seriously. And den was my 6th months break when I actualli learnt to be a devil in the making. haha. It was then when the sleeveless and spaghettis started. And how I started to stay out late.. Getting hooked up with older guys and started to wear all e hipsters, heels, perfumes and make up. Hw I started arguing with my Mom. Telling her I dont need her approval on who I am dating. Guess it was all a shock to her. I mean to see ur daughter starting to highlight her hair and all. And den I started clubbing when I turned 17. haha. It was getting so much worse.

Of coz then I learnt to make out (My ferst bf was so bloody religious at that time).. and it was fun going out with lots of different pple juz as friends. But then I met din. And everything changed. I was turning 19 den. Late nights were realli cut back. Ive became more serious bout work and school. And I realli wanted so badly to do well. And even now after a yr past, I still feel quite lazy to club as often as last time. I rarely meet my Kakis. BAsically so much more toned. So much more dependable and quiet. (boring) haha. Maybe when you found someone who loved you and you loved him back with that same equality, being with that person was juz already sufficient.

But of coz with age comes alot of thoughts and maturity. You start thinking about ur future and how much the other party can possibly contribute to that level of lifestyle that you possibly want. And u start seeking advise from close friends and family. And everything starts to unveil. And quite suddenly, you realise that love and happiness wont guarantee you a stable marriage. Afterall, marriage doesnt involve juz the 2 of u. To fall out of love with him.. Is something that I dont even know would happen. And I still dont know if I have succeeded. But I have definitely been trying. He's done so much for me. So supportive of everything. And he's made me so happy, in a way I can NEVER imagine possible. In that sense, I can never see myself leaving him. But already my feet was out the door.

I can never tell him how much I have loved him. How much I've appreciated what he's done for me. If onli in dis lifetime, things wouldnt be so complicated. And social issues werent exactly a problem. I could probably stop typing dis. Of coz he's not the onli guy who has done so much. A lot of pple had. I have been so lucky to have been loved dis much. And to pple who have loved me,And you feel I cant possibly love you back. I know you cant see my view of the picture. And you will never understand how I feel deep inside. The very fact that I care but knowing if I actually showed it would actually propel you to have deeper feelings for me is complicating. I dont want things to get ugly. I cannot stop you from loving nor hoping. But if you do, you are putting ur heart on the line. And if I did step on it, I am honestly apologetic. I had loved you then, but I found it so DIFFICULT to understand and feel you. And for that I sincerely feel that we should be friends. If you find that it is too ez for me to hurt you. That every little thing I say that is mean would cut u even tho u should know better I didnt mean it. Maybe u shudnt get close to me no more and u shud juz close the door shut. I am juz tired of lugging around all these emotional baggage. All of us deserve to be happy. Treat yourself well. And find someone who can love you the way you want it. And if you wanna punish me for saying this. It's realli up to you. But I know you are above all that.

The fact is, If I am not that person who makes u happy and if ur heart wrenches juz when u r thinking of me, maybe then that isnt love you are feeling for me boy.

wooooaahhh woooo yeahhhh.. woooaahhhh wooo yeahh wooooaaa wooo yeahh yeahhh yeahhh.. ahhhh...

2005-11-29T20:05:00.000+08:00

No.. That's not realli me in orgasms.. Just you know the theme song for Sentosa's advert?

You guessed it right! *Ding ding ding* I've gt back from Sentosa and it's fun fun fun everyone!

Wahh so nice to spend time at the beach (Laughing at skimmers were also part of the relaxations la) & luckily enuff I was already out of the beach by the time it started drizzling! yay!

I think Sentosa has realli became a superrific place to hang out and chill in the past yr.. what wif e new attractions and all! I enjoyyyyyyyeedddd myself everytime I head thr. It's like the place to be (Not to mention a whole lot of reasons to shop for beach wear haha)!

Anihoo I think it's great that I have called it quits with the so called scandal. Haiz.Dont know what got into my head that I ALLOWED myself to go out with someone's else's bf's (to put it mildly). All's well and good. No more GUILT. My conscience is finally clear. The worst was when I logged on friendster and found his profile.. Goodness gracious me, to find his pics with his gerl all over e place.. is pure... ermm... PRETENTIOUS??? (not that I expected my face in his profile la..) If I didnt have a heart nor a head, I think e poor gerl would haf most probably killed me and herself and get us both admitted in a psychiatric ward for depression and schizophrenia.

Tat is y Sentosa always cures... It gets me in a better mood. The sun sand and sea never fails me!

Yes it's been a tumultaneous week for me. My grandma finally gt discharged. She's better now. Alhamdullilah. And I survived 8 full working days... I am great baby!

Hey come along nx time!

.. You can THEN find out wats so funny

And we can take e ride on the chair lift..

Then walk down down down to the merlion until we start sulking

Ok better start smiling again =) =) =)

Dont know e way home? I can show u!

Okay say goodbye!

8-5 till im 85?

2005-11-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

On my way to work on Sunday, I noticed that Orchard Rd has started prep for Xmas's decos.

Yet another reminder that it's nearly yr end. When I think abt this past yr.. I juz think that it's been a gd yr (yeah sum bad tymes.. but mostly gd ones.) Im juz lucky to have pple who care and love me ard.

Not to mention that I still get duit raya (green packets) though I have started working and I myself am starting to give to others.

24 hrs juz seemed to short. And hours no longer matter. I dont have a pattern to how I live my life. I go out when it suits me. I dont know what's on TV and I certainly am not the typical Singaporean who leads the 8-5 job and weekends with the family thing. And should I speak honestly I sometimes wished I juz lead a normal boring typical Singaporean life who sends their kids to the nanny b4 they get to work n pick dem up b4 they gt home and spend e weekends going t0 e movies/shopping and who gets to spend their public holidays going travelling n stuff. Sometimes la... But most times Im quite glad that I can avoid crowded shopping ctrs and screaming children. Irritating would be an understatement.

aaaaannniiiiiiwwwaaaeeeee...

it's been a long time since I last went clubbing. can I go clubbing again? My feet are already itching to boogey dude! I dont know is it bcoz Im getting bored of projecting the gd gerl nx door image or anithing.. but I juz feel that I wanna dye my whole head a light shade and stop wearng speckies that makes me look like cikgu Bedah's equivalent! Im tired of going home st after work and having social activities that makes my grandma looks even more hip!

Haiz.. can someone juz pls spice up my life? Boring tau hidop mcm gini hari2..

Berulang kali ku katakan

2005-11-06T23:49:00.000+08:00

kini saat yg terakhir
ku pinta maaf kepada mu
jauh dari lubuk hatiku tk pernah ku dtg padamu
bila engkau tk percaya
ku rela korban jiwa raga
kini saat yg penghabisan
ku harap kau dtg pada ku

berulang kali ku nyatakan
aku syg pd mu
berulang kali ku meminta
peluklah belailah daku
ohhhh
itu tk pernah terjadi
semua harapan berlantar
nafas ku yg terakhir ini
hanyalah ku tujukan pada mu

berulang kali ku nyatakan
aku syg pd mu
berulang kali ku meminta
peluklah belailah daku
ohhh
itu tk pernah terjadi
semua harapan berlantar
nafas ku yg terakhir ini
hanyalah ku tujukan pada mu

Entah kenapa. Agaknye sdg2 raya... atau mungkinkah kerana dah terlalu lama tk jumpa... Rasa rindu teramatlah sangat. Mcm nk sangat nk jumpa... Nk rasa yg dia dkt dgn I.. Entahlah. Maybe tngh feeling2 aje. Maklumlah dah malam.

Lama nah dah tak jumpa. Bukan rindu dia aje. Rindu sangat dgn family dia pun, Tapi ape nk buat kan. Rindu tk semestinye makna masih sayang kan... And I know I dont quite love him. It's juz I miss him a lot. He's been a part of my life since a long while ago. Feels like something's missing.. and he's going into NS. mcm mana la... rindu sangat kat dia. Rindu sgt masa2 yg dah lepas. Nk sgt tgk dia.. tgk senyuman.. dgr ketawa dia... bau minyak wangi dia..haiz. Ini la org yg tk bercinta. Ngan cinta pertama pun masih main merindu2.. Ape nk buat. Hati bukan boleh diperintahkan.

I dont know la. It's juz that sometimes when I think abt him I juz feel so so sad.. so sayang that our relationship had to end bcoz of a 3rd party. Bukan pasal tk sayang each other. Bukan pasal pertengkaran.. but something as stupid as that. And nearly 4 yrs on. I still think of him.. and I still m missing him. Sometimes I wished we nvr had broken off. But than pple change over periods. And I know he'll nvr be the same guy Ive once known. I also know that he's juz too far from me to get back together. And I know even if we do gt back he juz wont be able to love me for me anymore. Coz I know Im much different now.

And I know the past should be left where it belongs.