Sunday, February 06, 2005

Sat wee early morning.
Had a conversation wif Mr Dan.
It's been like a total of 5 yrs..and suddenly *wham & bhams* he told me..
he's been wanting to talk to me for dis v long 5 yrs after he realised what a dumbo he has been.

The thing is how can u actually self-redeem urself after what has happened? The 1st time he left me was coz he still loved Michelle. The 2nd time was bcoz he didnt love me animore.

And when he said that somehow i felt sad.. and angry and happy all at once. It's like it finally dawned on him how much I loved him. How much I cared & how he juz threw it all away...

Yes I know I once was the pimply-braces gerl. I know that compared to the other gerls in skul im not even 1/4 there.

But now that it's 5 yrs later.

Is it a little too late to talk abt love.. when now I dont even know what it is? I dont know what the hell im doing personal life wise.

I'll give u a ferst try.. coz i wanted u... the 2nd.. coz I believe in 2nd chances. But if ever thr were to be a 3rd.. personally.. I'd feel like the dumbbesst person EVER! Coz u can say e 1st heartbreak cud be accidental.. e 2nd cud b ur fault for allowing to happen AGAIN. What abt e 3rd?! Sheesh.

I'm juz upset coz I realised when pple say I break their hearts.. how careless Ive been.. do they even know what Ive been through? The sheer embarassment.. the endless tears... the self hugs and the loneliness.... the long durations that i juz needed that 1 person who cud make it all go away.. that person who had simply walked out on me.

How can ani1 say im heartless.. when im trying so hard not to break ani1's heart? both urs and mine.. I know its not the smartest way.. but I juz cant help it, can I? You fix and fixed your own heart.. every time someone casually stepped on it.. and then someone comes along and NEVER understands how difficult it is for u to actually fall in love.
And they point their fingers at you & say u broke their heart...

---- and den he breaks ur heart by saying things u try to not feel -----

When I say I have crushes. They are juz that. Today Nadhirah asked... have i been falling for every guy that comes my way.. how i wish i can say I did..

But ive built dis high wall ard me... trying to not even think abt that 1 particular option.

Sometimes Ive felt that falling in love isnt for girls like me. Girls who gets commitment phobic.. I mean how can u actually xplain what I Do? Everytime I fall in love.. I juz give and give and give.. and they juz take and take and take...

Today... Joe called me. Asked me y Im single. I hope he's reading this. For some parts of my life.. I havent found that 1 person who makes me feel safe enuff to b myself ard him.. to open every corner of my heart... to gif my heart into his hands... knowing that he'll wrap cotton wool ard it... and b xtra careful..

Knowing that he'll love me unconditionally.. eternally. I know Im being idealistic. But I juz need that 1 person who'll love me for me. Thr's no nd to justify that love.

And until I feel that kinda love.. it doesnt matter hw many guys Ive met on the LRT, hw many smart asses... hw many adorable guys nx door.. radiographers.. whatever!
I juz want that 1 person to make me feel complete.
To let me know what love is.
For him not to have any xpectations..
for him to juz love me..
Adore me.. and kiss the ground I walk on... hahaha

But honestly. Maybe im too selfish...
but it's juz me. I dont nd another broken heart..
I dont nd another slpless night..
I dont nd months of analysis.. abt his actions.. abt whr his been.
I dont nd waterfall of tears..
Singularity.
Somewhr Ive been for a long long time..
SOmewhr Im comfortable in..
A definition, by choice.. not situational...nor accidental.