To everyone: PLS DO NOT READ THIS SECTION. SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM FOR MY ACTUAL POST

I know you'd read this. And if it is me who you were referring to all the while...I'd tell u sth. I didnt know it was me... becoz. I'd xpect you to realise that ambiguity doesnt mk e other party aware that you ARE actually referring to her.

Anihoo. I'm not sorry if I had hurt you.. cause that wasn't my intention. And you may hate me for being this way. But I've always believed against all odds... that I deserve all the happiness I have. I am selfish, I'll say that much about myself. All I care abt is me myself and I. Yeah Im self centred, self co-inceited and cynical. I dont care abt whose feet I've stepped on.. whose heart I've broken. It doesnt matter animore. You wanna know why? Becoz even if I were to apologise... and even if my basic intention was nvr to hurt ani1, you will just say I'm contradicting aniwae. I mean why bother denying every accusation and creating more conflict in the process? I'm sure by now you are happier abt the fact that I'm not thr to mess anything else animore. Things wont get ani worse.. simply coz. I've refused to let anithing affect me.

You blame me for pulling you down. You mk me seemed like the bad horrible wicked woman? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just one of those gerls who always get what they want and hurt others when they are bored. I'm fulfilling your self prophecy abt me. I'm being that evil person. You can hate me & my guts. I've got my head stucked in the air.

BTW juz in case you were wondering... I didnt actualli ignore you, but....you knew you should just IM me if you wanted to chat.. or called me if you wanted to talk... but NOOOO.. you wanted to tell the world abt how stupid i was being.. ignoring you in MSN. I am afterall or WAS having my exams. But maybe you wont understand that... yeah like I'm juz me aniwae ( think selfish, self coinceited AND downright awful). You can complain to the whole world about me. But know one thing. You took that risk. I was dating your good friend.. yes, my fault for even bothering to be friends with you. But you chose... to LIKE ME. To let me mess up your hormones and brain (if it is functioning aniwae). That risk that made you yearn to have me? But like in the ferst place.. I've already stated it VERY clearly. A relationship wasnt what I wanted. You told me you already let go of your expectations aniwae. So what is this?!

Blame me.. Blame my ignorance. But ignorance is bliss. =) Hate me becoz I am happy. Hate me coz I wont love someone who attributes his undesirable behavior on my situation and self. Oh yeah.. and if you REALLY think it's you.. I'll tell you what..you know it deep inside aniwae. But dont hate me for saying it.. coz I'm juz reciprocating all the things you've said abt me.. Thanks eh boy! You made my day *hugz* I miss you behaving dis way =D

============== Cuckoo had cleared away from my head ================

Today was my last paper. Yes LAST. As in last time Im ever gonna step in an exam hall in NYP while doing a dip in Nursing course. The paper was relatively all right.. since ive gone all out to actually study and block everything else. Drastic measures were taken.. plugging out e phone and abstaining from going online.

So I went to The Woodlands library (Man, I love that place)... to study. I reached Causeway point to have breakfast at 10.. yes like TEN in the morning.. I'm so sleepi.. but i had to start studying... and ard 11 we went to Mac to start.. den an hr later the library opened its doors and we searched for a place to conquer...

So we spent 11-3 studying... and den we break for lunch... we continued ard 3.45 to 7... I got home by 7.30 den went to eat. Sent busu her dinner and spent sometime looking at old pix and watching TV. Made my way home at 10.. and reached abt 10.20.

I didnt start studying until 11.15 though.. and stopped at 2.45. I finally fell aslp at 3 +...

Then I woke up in the morning... grudgingly. Sat for my paper...

And after the whole ordeal was over, Most pple screamed. Maybe they were feeling euphoric.. but i so wasnt feeling that way. But i was happy i can slp now.

I proceeded to empty my locker.. threw away alot of old books..and posters and candles... it felt sad... almost every step i took.. made me reminicise.. I'm gonna miss leaving my bks thr... and... well the whole experience.

I went to complete my module evaluation soon after. The system was damn slow! It took ages coz..everyone was doing it simultaneously (The establishing operation was to complete our evaluations, otherwise our results wont be posted..)

The last place I went to on this v last day as an official student was to the library.. and returned the books. Alot of pple were mugging for exams. Cant believe mine is already over.... Time flies doesnt it?

Well.. I'm juz glad I put in effort for today. I'm kinda glad abt the way things have been. Ive met wonderful pple thr... through classes... and also maybe due to serendipity. I'll miss campus life.

But then... when I close this chapter.. I'm actually starting a new one. Alot of things in my personal life (think interpersonal relationship) have made me happy.. but things tat someone said..made me think abt it on e way home. I'm alone at home now. Yes I feel lonely. But I juz hope he feels better behaving the way he did. I juz hope he's doing well. Bcoz after all that's said and done... I just want him to achieve fulfillment in life. Something I've been searching for, yet to find.

Im nt gonna hold back on complaining! Ive been sick since Thursday & anyone who has been praying for me to be miserable have finally gotten what youve been wishing for! I'm a v v v sick nurse. Ive got tissue stucked to my nose.. and I keep visiting the loo like an incontinent old woman!

And of coz the icing on the cake was the fact today was my 1st paper. Yes I did my best, that's e gd thing.. the bad thing? Questions were v tricky!

So The weekends was spent @ home.. with me fulfilling the sick role.. I actually caught the bug from Lyn.. and now that she's well. Im so miserable! And I passed it to my mom.. so u gt 2 pple sick @ hm... and I still had to study! sheesh... and of coz.. I think I shud see doctor Yeo tomorrow. Haiz. Its time. He's like dis angel who cures me despite all minor ailments. I love him so so so much for that!

Oh yeah, Sunday night was spent meeting lyn to revise for e 3rd or 4th time already.. yeah.. but we ended up revising a while.. den talking cock (something both of us thoroughly enjoy).. I can see some of your heads shaking.... and I dont know why.. sunday night was also a time of alot of serious reflections...

Then I went for exams today.. the girl sitted nx to me was coughing like a TB patient.. and I was having runnng nose & sneezing that would embarass sneezy from SNOW WHITE.

I am bored out of my wits from studying and sleeping and medications... but what the hell. I shall treasure this experience.. and last night as I was hanging clothes on the bamboo pole to dry... I realise that this is one of those times that would be considered as good as it gets. Dont know why.. though not everything is in place in life.. I feel more contented & at peace with myself. A v strange feeling for someone who feels miserable for almost 3 days n counting. Maybe I know.. I'll juz keep fighting through!

Your Seduction Style: The Charismatic

You're beyond seductive, you're downright magnetic! You life live and approach seduction on a grand scale. You have an inner self confidence and energy that most people lack It's these talents that make you seem extraordinary - and you truly are!

A full fledge BACHELORETTE? *winkz*

I truly miss all my gerlfrenz... haiz... apart from feeling miserable.. I've slept like a pig. God.. I hate being sick! Tomorrow's my exams. Wish me luck babes..

Here's to all my babes:
Girlfriends
I'm only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use, and the girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires? What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping, lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake! Pass this on to your girlfriends! If you get this twice or more, you are lucky to have more than one girlfriend. Be happy!
Someone will always be prettier.
They will always be smarter.
Their house will be bigger.
They will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favoured woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....Might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world"

I could only reminicise abt e past.. knowing somehow.. our priorities have changed over the yrs. =) Hope that they're all happy.. the way we all deserved to be!

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free
I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in hell or heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
And a song in the words that you spoke to me
Was I wrong to believe in your melody
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away
Fading away
It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong
There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

I think I shouldnt consider to even leave my day job though how inspired I am to "paint"

Got my preregistration consolidation posting ward... and I most definitely know whr Im going to. And though it appears greener on the other side.. I guess I'm gonna take this as a challenge=)

Things dont always go your way I guess, but in every thing that happens, thr's always a blessing...And Hopefully, dis is mine.

... And disappointment being part of life & abt life nvr being fair.. it's always better to see it in a positive light, than to let it bring me down...

Simply because, worse things HAS happened to the world.. and to quote Yusry... "it isn't hell"...Most of all, because... I chose this to happen. And I'm definitely gonna make it work.

- Mungkinkah ini takdir? *smiles* -

BTW? I realised today.. why a relationship would be actually beneficial, instead of harmful.. bcoz.. love & time can heal wounds.. and bcoz in love is whr u find ur strength.. it's e ting u will believe in most, when all else fails. Coz love is unconditional..BUT like everything else. love takes alot of effort & time. And during times like this.. I wonder if I even have time to live.. let alone love.

It's amazing to know that some pple would always love you & some wouldnt.. and knowing how fine the line b/w love & hate... of coz.. pple who had loved you, can turn to hate you.. Thr's dis saying that goes: Don't hate someone too much, for you'll grow to love that person one day.. and dont love someone too much for you'll grow to hate him/her one day.

So lesson to all: Love & (if you must) hate in MODERATION! hahahaa...

Hmm.. So tomorrow is Yew Kong's class... wahh.. 1 final lecture from him.. Im gonna miss him man! Im gonna miss so many things that makes a student life.....

But den again... we all move on from the things we love.=)

Have you ever heard a song on the radio & wished that someone had dedicated that song to you??? Ever watched couples & found them sweet.. but such a slap in your face? Ever thought about how screwed up your love life was... when you found out ANOTHER one of your friend is getting engaged & that you have been bz just thinking that there is so much time? And worse still.... ever forget that 1 of your gd friend's has juz enlisted for NS? Ohmigod.. I ought to be shot... Nvm. I shall keep my head buried in my books.

Tajuk: Relaku pujuk
Artis: Spider
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ku dikejar bayang-bayang resah
Bila hatimu masih tak berubah
Enggan dipunya
Dan dipenjara
Belaian cintaku ini

Aku bukan lelaki yang tewas
Bisa menyambar walau ku ditolak
Biar diuji
Kanan dan kiri
Kaukan tetap kumiliki

Tiada lafaz yang lebih agung
Kalimah cintamu
Yang kutunggu-tunggu

Biar jasadku yang menanggung
Permainan darimu
Relaku pujuk

Janganlah kau salahkan aku
Terus memburu menawan cintamu
Aku percaya
Sedikit masa
Kau kecundang akhirnya

Usahlah kau bersedih
Dihadapanmu aku hadir
Memadam resah dan curiga
Dari hatimu… oh… oh…

Apakah kali ini
Bisa kau tolak dan berlari
Setelah aku menanamkan
Azimatku…

Pertemuan ini pertemuan terakhir
Dari dua insan yang sedang berkasih
Kerna esok hari kita tidak lagi
Digelarkan pasangan bercinta
(Pertemuan kita yang terakhir)

Sudah ku menduga kau akan berubah
Cuma tunggu masa untuk kau meluah
Tapi hari ini terbukti semuanya
Kau pinta ku melupakan dirimu

Tak apalah... ku tak kisah
Memang itu keputusanmu
Memang itu nasib aku
Sering terluka dan jiwa tersiksa

( korus )
Biar hitam sejarah hidupku
Namun aku tetap tabahkan hati
Kesal memang kesal hatiku tercalar
Siapalah yang inginkan perpisahan

Andai suatu hari ada orang yang bertanya
Mengapa kita tidak lagi bersama
Jawablah bahawa jodoh kita tiada
Dan kita tidak pernah sengketa... oh

Moga engkau... berbahagia
Di sampingnya yang engkau puja
Cuma satu yang aku pinta
Undanglah aku di hari bahagiamu

...

Have u ever wondered why such songs are always played during void deck wedding receptions? I mean.. it's supposed 2 be a happy occassion what..haa.. Aniwae.. Im trying to keep up with the new malay songs.. but it seems a downhill battle.. Otherwise been bz with visiting e hospital & also of coz.. studying.. sheesh.. 1 more wk. exactly.

wah tats it.. its over. My last day of skul.. haiz. So much of words I cant even to pour it out in here.. Ive been so bz. Wonder y some pple even have time to complain.. anihoo.. A song to illustrate my lost of expression..

They can say,
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me,
And they can try
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or loose faith in my dreams

'Cause there's,
There's a light in me,
That shines brightly,
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me
From me

No no nooo

Oh they,
They can do
Anything they want to you,
If you let them in,
But they won't ever win,
If you cling to you pride, and just push them aside,
See I,
I have learned,
There's an inner peace I own,
Something in my soul that they can not possess
So I won't be afraid and the darkness will fade

'Cause there's,
There's light in me me,
That shines brightly, yes
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me

No oh oh,
They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me,
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go

Woah, woah
They can say
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I won't face the ground,
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach,
Although they do try,
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to fall,
Tell me what I believe or loose faith in my dreams,
'Cause there's a light in me,
That shines brightly yes

They can try but they can't take that away from
Me
From me
No no nooo
Me

... and of coz.. here are some shots of my GLAMOROUS life in NYP... heheh..

Us, Top students..(Lyn, Nana, Dr Chua, Farah & moi)


Me & Hong Mei... one of e gerls ive always been on attachment with


Me & my v gd frend, Lyn @ e pond


Charlie's Angels? Lyne, Me & Pik Teng outside LT k-3


And of coz.. yr 1 Kakis..


Me & My prince charming in NYP... who willingly does things.. hehehehe


.. & of coz.. the Beverly Hills 90210 Casts.. =)

=) I think 1 thing pple shud realise by today abt me is.. you can love me..or so u think.. but do u reali know me? hehe.. A qn onli I have e answer.

Mrs Liang called today.. wah... wat an unfortunate thing. Can you imagine? They still have the alumni. OMG. Tot it was dead already. Aniwae,we are having e meeting nx fri.. and @ 5! Can u imagine that? And everytme i go... its nth for me.. I mean like what is THE welfare officer supposed to do? Sheesh...

.. And my room is so sparkly clean now.. Im so proud of myself! You know, at times I feel lonely..but it's like..r/ships are difficult to maintain. And the guy muz be worth every effort i make... and im like i so dont know what i want.. so.. r/ships are kinda out of e qn...

You can nvr force love. Can u?

Some1 said that to be a princess u nd a crown...

p/s: Do I remind u of someone... hint hint.. e elf princess in LOTR maybe??? hehe..

Hmm it's been way long time since I last tuned into Ria. But bcoz I was studying, I found p10/power N class to be too distractive.. Im not even sure y! hahaha.. BUT aniwae, tonight they were discussing if romance actualli died after u went tru marriage..

And not surprisingly, alot of e listeners agreed that you cant have that similar level as it wud be too ez to be called CHEESY! BUT y do we even have to conform to society? I mean, with our newly certified HALAL cert.. dont u tink romance is underrated in NEW muslims marriages?

Y isit that couples hold hands, hugs or in simple terms substantially openly show their PDA in public b4 marriage and deem it as embarassing post marriage? What is wrong with holding hands in front of ur kids? I think that is gonna b something I'd like to do wen I age... with my partner.. I mean, havent dis pple heard Adam's Sandler's I wanna grow old with ya??? tsk tsk..

Well radio night talk show aside,
I have 2 more chapters left to Karen's Module. Like finally. If I stay disciplined, Insyallah.. it'll be ok. 3 more wks to exams. And Ive onli started reading my 1 module.. sheesh..hahha..

Pray for me will ya?

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.

I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.

Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.

My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
But you.