Hey everyone!
Im finally done with my nights!!!!!!!!!
But it was reali fun. Even heard from a dead patient. He re-visited us on our 3rd night. Im so not kidding you. He passed away at home on Saturday & on Monday night, my friend heard him asking for milo like "Missy.. kasi wa milo" and the treatment room door opening and slamming shut.
This night round was eventful. What with newly diagnosed psychiatric patient and all. And so God help me. It was realli funny. Me misplacing my handphone and finding the Mac delivery guy EXTREMELY cute. I know so not related. But wth. Who the hell cares?
And anihoo... My colleagues were telling me to get a boyfriend. Which juz got me going like.. is it like stepping into tangs? Trying on something and purchasing it if it compliments you? who hoa hoa hoa..... But honestly. It surely IS the time man! But how to get to know anyone new or get hooked up when in actual fact I am actually someone who's pretty needy and YET i have not the time to entertain my other half. It's funny how in skool it was so ez for guys to hit on you and you can juz pass him by. But now.. God. So much has happened.
I was juz re-iterating to my colleague, Iza.. how my life has changed. And I dont even know if it's for the better or worse? It's like I was oh so bloody conservative back in secondary school.. I mean check out my friendster pic ya all..With the very virgin-ist white school Uni, braces & speckies. Im your very classic school nerd sia. Took part in debate, public speaking.. Sheesh. And den I had my ferst bf whom I ACTUALLI tot I would end up marrying... How cheesy!
And den of coz it all had to end. My own tragic fairytale. Haha. Of coz the relationship ended. My O's results werent so fantastic thanks to being sidetracked and me not taking it seriously. And den was my 6th months break when I actualli learnt to be a devil in the making. haha. It was then when the sleeveless and spaghettis started. And how I started to stay out late.. Getting hooked up with older guys and started to wear all e hipsters, heels, perfumes and make up. Hw I started arguing with my Mom. Telling her I dont need her approval on who I am dating. Guess it was all a shock to her. I mean to see ur daughter starting to highlight her hair and all. And den I started clubbing when I turned 17. haha. It was getting so much worse.
Of coz then I learnt to make out (My ferst bf was so bloody religious at that time).. and it was fun going out with lots of different pple juz as friends. But then I met din. And everything changed. I was turning 19 den. Late nights were realli cut back. Ive became more serious bout work and school. And I realli wanted so badly to do well. And even now after a yr past, I still feel quite lazy to club as often as last time. I rarely meet my Kakis. BAsically so much more toned. So much more dependable and quiet. (boring) haha. Maybe when you found someone who loved you and you loved him back with that same equality, being with that person was juz already sufficient.
But of coz with age comes alot of thoughts and maturity. You start thinking about ur future and how much the other party can possibly contribute to that level of lifestyle that you possibly want. And u start seeking advise from close friends and family. And everything starts to unveil. And quite suddenly, you realise that love and happiness wont guarantee you a stable marriage. Afterall, marriage doesnt involve juz the 2 of u. To fall out of love with him.. Is something that I dont even know would happen. And I still dont know if I have succeeded. But I have definitely been trying. He's done so much for me. So supportive of everything. And he's made me so happy, in a way I can NEVER imagine possible. In that sense, I can never see myself leaving him. But already my feet was out the door.
I can never tell him how much I have loved him. How much I've appreciated what he's done for me. If onli in dis lifetime, things wouldnt be so complicated. And social issues werent exactly a problem. I could probably stop typing dis. Of coz he's not the onli guy who has done so much. A lot of pple had. I have been so lucky to have been loved dis much. And to pple who have loved me,And you feel I cant possibly love you back. I know you cant see my view of the picture. And you will never understand how I feel deep inside. The very fact that I care but knowing if I actually showed it would actually propel you to have deeper feelings for me is complicating. I dont want things to get ugly. I cannot stop you from loving nor hoping. But if you do, you are putting ur heart on the line. And if I did step on it, I am honestly apologetic. I had loved you then, but I found it so DIFFICULT to understand and feel you. And for that I sincerely feel that we should be friends. If you find that it is too ez for me to hurt you. That every little thing I say that is mean would cut u even tho u should know better I didnt mean it. Maybe u shudnt get close to me no more and u shud juz close the door shut. I am juz tired of lugging around all these emotional baggage. All of us deserve to be happy. Treat yourself well. And find someone who can love you the way you want it. And if you wanna punish me for saying this. It's realli up to you. But I know you are above all that.
The fact is, If I am not that person who makes u happy and if ur heart wrenches juz when u r thinking of me, maybe then that isnt love you are feeling for me boy.
{the riddle of red}
