Spent the day lying in front of the TV and juz wasting my life away. HAha. Ironic. I m not quite the TV watcher, unless it's my favourite show. But hey, the tube is a tube. And anything that doesn't require concentration dis days is good.
After being the couch-potato, asked my Aunt for a lift to my Grandparents hse, simply bcoz I knew I cudnt tolerate bus rides animore. Actuali, come to think of it, I can't tolerate anything animore, but I try.
So, bought a small cake (hey, Im a student, I'm entitled to be broke). And headed to WC. So okay, spent more time lying in front of the tube, as my Gparents hse are e typical traditional malay home. That includes squatting toilet and no water heater. Haha. I can safely say, that my home is FAR different that theirs, but I was brought up there.. so familiarity is comfort (That, my friend, I have learnt so well in recent times).
Heard that my Granpa is far from improving. Life for him I guess is just not worthliving animore. He evens talk about dying. Sometimes I wonder, does being ill makes you more prepared and at ease when thinking about death?
Is it something that propels you to eventually admit, that your days are numbered and what's the use of thinking that there's still hope?
He's just not what he used to be. WHen once, I knew him as someone who was strong, and regularly takes his medicine, no matter how many they were, he's quite close to being a complete stranger now.
I can no longer see him as the person who brought me up, rather, he's grown to be so dependent on pple, specifically, his spouse.
I can see him giving up on life. He is just simply surviving. It's sad, cause honestly I feel the same way too, if you ask me about life. I do what I need to. I see life as a necessity. When I used to have passion, to yearn and want, I no longer have it now. When I used to have cravings of delicacies, food is just fuel for energy now. It's amazing how emotions and experiences shape you to be who you are.
So, what exactly is hope?
This 4 letter word that inevitably pushes or pulls you down.
Hope (noun):
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.
(www.thefreedictionary.com)
Hope then, I guess is a strong verb.
I'm sorry if these days, reading my blog just gets depressing.
Everyday's about dying and heartbreak.
Maybe, partly, it's due to the fact that that's all thr is in my subconscious.
Be it, when I'm showering, in the train, walking home, listening to my MP3.
Those are just activities that are meant to be stress-free. But everyday's the same. I just walk, because it's routine, and that's what keeps me moving. I smile, bcoz, crying would just create unwanted attention. The fact is I'm tired of pple asking if I'm ok. Coz the fact is I am not, but I pretend to be ok, becoz that is easier than being myself.
It is easier pretending that I can deal with it, than admit, I am fighting to live.
It is easier to smile, than to cry.
It is easier to pretend to move, than stay and know I've been left behind.
Nothing is easier, just because it seems it is. But I try so hard, coz I know they are for you.
I heard you.
Every word of it.
But, my expressions, and my emotions.
They don't match.
For all those times, I've read about unrequited love.
Of pple seperating, not because they don't love each other animore.
Of inflicting self harm.
I thought I would never know what those pple feel.
In the same way, when I used to ask "How do you know if he's the one?"
If you just pass me by in the streets, nothing has changed.
I still have the same hair, the same smile, the same style.
But inside, in just one month, everything is not the same.
And today, as my Grandfather turned one year older, I thank God that he's still here with us.
I hope that he starts eating again.
And realise that life is still worth living, though situations have changed.
That cancer can be fought.
That we still care and love him.
And while I still harboured those strong hope, I get reminded of one thing, that probably you might not.
That during the same day, just a year ago,
We were there.
And you were the only one, that I brought to any1's birthday.
What more, my Grandfather's birthday.
I can't help but wonder then, where were you?
And I got my answer, in silence.
