Today, someone jumped off the track @ CCK
I dont know why he jumped, but I hated that it disrupted everyone's schedule.
But oh well.
I don't know why he wanted to put an end to his life, but he did it successfully. At least.
Sometimes, I feel like..my body's without a soul.
Like I can laugh, smile, joke.. carry out my daily activities.
But inside, it's void.
Suzi asked me have I gotten married wif Han.. coz I was MIA for so long.. and I didnt look for dem.. but I told her that we weren't fated (Cliche, I know). I juz couldnt remind myself over and over again why I've failed in a relationship with a person I truly love. So I didnt wanna divulge.
It was tiring to have another person analyze dis situation again, and perhaps, maybe a bit unfair too. It is afterall, subjective.
But how when despite knowing and accepting that thr's nothing that you want to do animore to change things, that everything still remains the same?
There were things that I've kept to myself. That he won't know, but like he said it doesnt matter now. Sometimes I wonder.. why muz I still go through dis..
On thurs, when some of my friends wanted to eat, they actually wanted 2 go to AMK. I was rather apprehensive abt going, for of course, reasons related to him. But what choice do I have? It's a majority's decision. So den when we walked ard AMK and dey realised thr's barely any halal fd shop, they decided to go wdlands. And guess what? Taking cab! And instantaneously, all unwelcomed and unwarranted memories came flooding, gushing through memory gates without control. Which eventually led me to tearing inside e cab.
And all e while I was thinking like. It's been 3 wks Siti. Get a grip. Remember all the things that he said to you.
But somehow, somedays, it's better. Other days, it just gets worse.
Even more so, at night. When everything's so quiet in the still of the night, and I could hear the unwanted replays. I guess it just got to the point that I kind of accepted this. Like misery loves company. SO ok, I m gonna embrace it.
At times, when Ive just gotten so tired, and I no longer have e strength to fight nor resist. I just let myself cry. There's only so much I can do.. and for all those that I can't, I kinda just leave it to God to help me.
I don't know. I know everyone deserves to be happy.. well, I guess he is. I'm trying my best, to give him what he wants.
And all I could do, and all that I had, were just memories. For all the difficult times we've been through, there has been happier occassions.. and tho it hurts still.. and I wont know when it won't, I will always choose to remember the better times, when Ive felt so much gratitude, having him by my side.
"Beginnings are always scary and endings are always sad, but what counts is the middle." - Sandra Bullock.
{the riddle of red}
