So the crappy bz weeks just keep going on.
Everday, I try to keep myself bz becoz.. idle hands are the weapons of the devil? haha.

I even listen to other pple's relationship problems, heart break dramas.. maybe bcoz I juz dont wana tire everyone of relating my own.

I think most importantly what I wanna tell the pple who are on the verge of giving up on their relationship, was that it started out promising.
Every relationship, no matter how it soured, started potentially. No one would embark on a relationship, hoping that it would fail (Unless u r a dipshit den .. maybe that is different).

So the fact is that while you whine and groan why did ur relationship, turn out the way it did, I think it would probably help to remember in the first place why you did fall in love with each other.

It is ez to highlight the flaws of your partner, once the relationship has reached a plateau. And more than ever, it is ez to forget the good points of ur partner, when you see the positivity in others.

You know, just like everyone, I fell in love but along the way, I became complacent because there were conflicting priorities. And it was ez to think that the person you loved most would stay ard regardless of what happened. Guess, I went wrong there.

I'd like to think my relationship with "him" is an expensive lesson to learn. It hasn't been ez.. pple say, time will heal all wounds.. But I wonder just how much I have.

Especially when we see what we wish to ignore and learn what we wish to disregard, it just stays in your face. And when it can't show you in ur state of acute consciousness, it goes in your subconscious. It starts appearing in your dreams. And what was probably meant to be dreams (when you were once together) are now your daily dose of nightmare.

Sometimes when pple say that "you'll forget everything with time"... I kinda get confused and wonder if that was at all necessary.

Sure, the ending was definitely not a bed of roses. I am living to that testament. But. I'd like to think that the person I was in love with for a long time, isn't someone I'd wanna chuck into the recycling memory bin. My memories, are my own. And I'd love to remember them.

Surely, there were his own reasons why he does not want this anymore. And though I no longer want to convince him that I would do everything to make it work, I still think he's the person I once loved or probly still do. And I do not want anyone, including myself to spend any more time analyzing what went wrong.. which is why when pple ask what happened, I'll just say it didn't work out. It isn't rocket science you know.. pple love each other and stil end up apart.
Such is life.

I guess the hardest part was respecting his decision, becoz eventually, if I loved him, I knew I had to. And almost 2 months had passed since we've been apart. And pple say I've been looking better.. but I guess pple say that bcoz they expect us to wallow in self pity and depression.

But honestly, I have my friends to thank for making me look "normal".. hahah I m sure they wouldnt wanna walk ard wif a zombie with panda rimmed eyes and unkempt hair! Oh the un-glamness of it all!

:)

So.. basically, for those experiencing turbulence in ur relationship, I hope you all would remember that the person you are with was the person you were once so eager to be with. And once upon a time, not too long ago, you were actually excited to see her and hear her voice and smell her.
And everything that reminds you of her, made you smile..
And you dream of kissing her soft kissable lips.

And now that you are actually there, and though it's no longer as fun as it used to be, she is still the same person.

So, before you actually dive head down, recall.. and maybe do the things that you guys did during courtship. It'l help, hopefully.


Ok.. so depressing topic aside, come come.. look at my conference pix! haha.

Us




My presentation.. hehe




And a video.. sorry it's depressing pple heheh


To quote tuesday's with morrie "You either love, or you die".

p/s: Sometimes I read my past entries, and I get reminded of my best moments. The times we had endless things to talk abt, times when I get to listen to him breathing, and smell him..The running in the rain when it poured @ Palawan.. haha. everything la..

And it hits me, that I am here.

So, for those of u who have been texting me, asking me, where have I been.. well, Ive been very bz!

Sorry sometimes, if sms-es goes unreplied, but I was sure on my bday, I replied to every single sms. So anyway, here's e update on how I turned 23! hehe.. Trust me, it's got to go in2 e top 5 list of bdays!




hmm... lucky irfan.. hahah


Girlfriends!!


Seated in the restaurant


me n dayah


stylish pose?


ali n iqbal


kesian.. cutlery pun nak amik.


OMG! Irfan!! hahaha


My bday cake! Yummy!!


The fooodddd

Thanks for everything pple;) Im so touched... heheheh

Of coz, what wud a bday be, w/out a bday supper? So.. supper @ Swensens..


My favourite simple dishes in Swensens.. hehe.. Esp e caesar salad *Salivates*

And e yummylicious apple crumble!



Strike a pose!

Finally home, on the big day!


And.. my sabo for e day: Wear e tiara e whole day! OMG! But luckily I dont nd to ask some pre-pubescent boy out animore.. hehe. And no swimming in e koi pond! This was much lenient! haha..



Strutting the walk


Lemme show u how we use the tendon tapper


Mimi n i



Ah Jie and i

And the nominees for ms tendon tapper 2008..







So u think u wanna be america's next top model?? LOLX


And then we try to be flying ballerina's.. it's one of e pageant requirements


(After this, they locked me in the class for 15 mins..)

For this..



I'm so touched, if u cant tell.


BLOW

and make a wish



Another cake!



You mean, I have to blow AGAIN?


Make a wish again..


and now snap2 wif ms tan


now time to cut



And for winning miss tendon tapper 2008..


Congratulatory kisses


Opening the gift


Ohhh another heart pendant to add to my collection! hahah





ALMOST e entire class..

Thanks babes.. for e excellant party planning! And e sweet sabo! haahaha Im sure u all enjoyed urselves..and thanks for e treat @ Sanur..and the movies..

And thanks to the pple who took me out for dinner that day and e dessert n e 3rd cake.. hehe.. (sorry, pix r not wif me.. so cannot upload.. no publicity for u all la..)

only got this.. go figure!


And for belated bday.... Thanks for e dinner treat @ Bali thai!! =)

Ok.. now time to show my loot.. some cannot be shown in pix.. hahah


CHox n diamonds!


What's not to love? haha kissables!!

(I think i really seem to look like e sort who loves hearts, kisses n chox too much)... hhaha

Ok.. So to everyone who made my day special.. thanks for all e effort, planning n coordination..

To e pple who drove me home safely after each outing, thanks for chauferring me ard..

But most importantly, thanks for remembering.. to which I wouldnt have had such a great time, if all of u did not make it happen =)

Words cannot justify my gratitude.. but im sure u all know it.. haha..

Thank you Suzi for the expensive Brisbane SG phonecalls.. hahaha

Lastlty very great thanks to well wishers.. I hope I get what u all wished for me.. Insyallah.


Of coz, more than ever, Alhamdullilah.. I managed to turn 23, successfully, almost having it all.

Today, someone jumped off the track @ CCK
I dont know why he jumped, but I hated that it disrupted everyone's schedule.
But oh well.
I don't know why he wanted to put an end to his life, but he did it successfully. At least.

Sometimes, I feel like..my body's without a soul.
Like I can laugh, smile, joke.. carry out my daily activities.
But inside, it's void.

Suzi asked me have I gotten married wif Han.. coz I was MIA for so long.. and I didnt look for dem.. but I told her that we weren't fated (Cliche, I know). I juz couldnt remind myself over and over again why I've failed in a relationship with a person I truly love. So I didnt wanna divulge.

It was tiring to have another person analyze dis situation again, and perhaps, maybe a bit unfair too. It is afterall, subjective.

But how when despite knowing and accepting that thr's nothing that you want to do animore to change things, that everything still remains the same?

There were things that I've kept to myself. That he won't know, but like he said it doesnt matter now. Sometimes I wonder.. why muz I still go through dis..

On thurs, when some of my friends wanted to eat, they actually wanted 2 go to AMK. I was rather apprehensive abt going, for of course, reasons related to him. But what choice do I have? It's a majority's decision. So den when we walked ard AMK and dey realised thr's barely any halal fd shop, they decided to go wdlands. And guess what? Taking cab! And instantaneously, all unwelcomed and unwarranted memories came flooding, gushing through memory gates without control. Which eventually led me to tearing inside e cab.

And all e while I was thinking like. It's been 3 wks Siti. Get a grip. Remember all the things that he said to you.

But somehow, somedays, it's better. Other days, it just gets worse.
Even more so, at night. When everything's so quiet in the still of the night, and I could hear the unwanted replays. I guess it just got to the point that I kind of accepted this. Like misery loves company. SO ok, I m gonna embrace it.

At times, when Ive just gotten so tired, and I no longer have e strength to fight nor resist. I just let myself cry. There's only so much I can do.. and for all those that I can't, I kinda just leave it to God to help me.

I don't know. I know everyone deserves to be happy.. well, I guess he is. I'm trying my best, to give him what he wants.

And all I could do, and all that I had, were just memories. For all the difficult times we've been through, there has been happier occassions.. and tho it hurts still.. and I wont know when it won't, I will always choose to remember the better times, when Ive felt so much gratitude, having him by my side.

"Beginnings are always scary and endings are always sad, but what counts is the middle." - Sandra Bullock.