I feel that I'm so detached from his life...
Feel that even as a friend.. or someone he CLAIMED to love and cherish.. that I'm no longer so important animore.
We were supposed to go out today.
I juz wanted to pass him somethings that I've gotten for his 21st birthday..
But I'm juz so sad he's too bz to notice me.
So here I am in my room listening to CDs & watching DVDs..
And hoping that the Saturday would fly by.
Then I'm going to wash my clothes and mop the floor...
I know things are really important to him now.
I know that especially since they are going to go Thailand after CNY.
NS makes boys into men they say...
Has he become so much a man that thr's no longer the space for love & friendships?
I'm feeling so so sad.
I don't need him to be there 24/7. I don't need him to love me endlessly. I don't need empty promises & broken dreams. Juz like I'm not needed animore.
I'm juz so tired what with my cramps & all. Are all Men the same?
Oh fuck it all. See if I care.

Aniwae, I went out yesterday.. yeah yeah..
Went to causeway point. Didn't realise that the Gelare there is already opened. So happy that it was. Was happy i got my ice cream in the banana boat basket yummy~
Then bought pants for Mummy. Bought meself earrings. Bought black pepper chicken..
Then got home and slept... Woke up. A friend got a pair of free passes to Zouk. But since im so free from clubbing.. decided not to go. Yeah.. what a waste I hear you say. Hehe.BUT I went to town instead!! I caught "shall we dance" & it was so hilarious & romantic.. makes me wanna go enrol for ballroom dancing! hahah.. B4 that we ate at the LJS @ cineleisure. Den I droppped by HMV. Bought 2 singles & 2 CDs.. Den we headed to c offee bean over @ paragon. It was full! Can u believe it? But the cashier was cute heheh *winkz* We finally caught the movie @1130 b4 heading hm..When I got home I slept til 6 Am den I kept on having cramps... I got my period today.. Oh just as well since I'm not going out. I'm starting work on Monday.
hehe...And meeting my FRIENDs there... well. here's a song for all of you. I 'm in da mood for romance..

I need to talk with you again,
why did you go away,
All our time together, just feels like yesterday,
I never thought I'd see,
a single day without you,
You see the things we take for granted we can sometimes lose.
And if I promise not to fell this pain,
Will I see you again,
will I see you again.
Time will pass me by, may be I'll never learn to smile,
But i know I will make it through,
if you wait for me.
And all the tears I cry,
no matter how I try.
They will never bring you home to me,
so won't you wait for me in heaven.
Do you remember how it was,
when we never seemed to care.
Days went by so quickly,
cos I thought you'd always be there.
It's hard to let you go,
though I know that I must try.
I feel like I've been cheated,
cos we never said goodbye.
And if I promise not to feel this pain,
Will I see you again.
And I miss you so,
and I need to know,
Will you wait for me.

*oh & I finally changed my layout.. is it pretty? It's much simpler than the previous one yeah..

Today after waking up from my afternoon nap, I went online to look @ friendster. And try as I might, but I cant help feel a wee bit of jealousy. I onli know dis feeling a wee bit too well I might add.

Lemme tell you why..
Back in pri skul, I had dis so called best friend of mine. We of coz we were in the same class during upper primary, but went into different skoolz during sec skul. Later on I went to do Nursing.. and she went into a N'hood JC. And now that I am graduating.. I've found that she is now in FASS. NUS no less.

It's amazing, yet heartwrenching to find out something like dis. It's nt tat I hate nursing. The feeling's more complicated than life itself.. it's juz that I feel.. why is it that she's the 1 who's in uni now..and of coz the undoubted question? Why do i feel like I'm the loser when in fact.. nothing much is lost?

Out of so many friends in primary skool. Thr's onli 2 malay girls who made it into local uni. The rest of us has chosen to juz go straight into poly.. or even better, drop out altogether!

=) I know Im being petty and I hear you guys saying that "oh come on Kat... You can juz finish off ur degree in a yr if u wanted!"... Tats true too.. so I guess I'm juz making a mountain out of a molehill hah? hehee.. ok la...fine den.

And den comes the inevitable part now that I am going to mention my one and onli pure chinese Ex of a bf. He txt me a day ago.. and today I was replaying a very trying moment of my life when I was in the LRT...

Somewhere during my education in NYP.. I had fallen madly inlove with him. I chose to let go of my defenses.. to juz lose all of my control (something I hadnt done ever since). And of coz he broke my heart ( i mean how often have you heard dis too familiar story?).. and of coz he had to leave me during my semestral exams. And I remembered breaking down in the LRT when I had finished my last paper. I did amazingly well... for a heartbroken person... but they always say..unrequited love always makes you do funny & great things at the same time=)

well..1 day Im gonna say something positive has come out from me writing dis today. Maybe you'll hear me getting married.. or you'll hear that I've upped and left the country. But til that day.. I'll be happily nursing..reflecting on my v young life. And juz living. As simply as I can.. undoubtedly.. wif all the heartfelt feelings that has harboured long inside of me...

Oh & b4 I leave.. the following song was played at the end of my social psychology class.
My classmate cried.. & I cant help but feel. If I dont have anithing in dis life.. den hopefully all the love that I have will tide all dis feelings away...


I read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me. He said,
"Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I loved your Grandma so."

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
Of her, I found this letter, and this is what it said:

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away,
In the doorway of a church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray.
I know I'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years;
But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.
Between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.

GUess what? I had a horribly short weekend thx to the orientation duty on Sat. I was in NYP from 1-6 pm.. and tats a record for a sat! Anihoo. It's refreshing to have met 17 yr olds who still believes that Nursing is a calling for them (trust me guys.. for e rest of us, thr's much less to say=])

Aniwae. Tomorrow is Monday.. my last week in skul... ALREADY?! well actualli nt quite. It's juz e last wk b4 I go on (another) attachment for 2 wks b4 coming back for my final presentations.

Ive been reading alot of journals and bks recently and I juz realise that it's nt that I'm tired of loving or being loved. Nor have I stopped believing in it. BUt. I'm juz so afraid of loving.. coz of the many sociological issues related to love itself. But one thing is for sure..if u do see me married 1 day... I definitely would love to have kids.=)

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Quickie:
You don't have to have the spotlight. Let someone else have a little attention.

Overview:
You've got a busy week ahead, thanks to a visitor, a brand-new friend or a sudden urge to educate yourself. Regardless of how it happens, the fun starts tomorrow. How about one more stress-free night at your place?

Hmmm.. I dont know what to write abt cept I didnt have to go skool 2dae so tats always welcomed. Saw Sani HUssin yest and.. hmm. it's already hari raya haji! yay=D

Hmmm other than that, nothing much.. been relatively bz buzzing ard wif nvr ending work that juz keeps piling by the minute..

ohhh wait! now I remember what I had actualli wanted to write abt! I saw.. the LRT guy on Wednesday!!!!! Yesh... and yes..it's confirmed! He's frm sports n wellness and he recognised me.. we held each other's gaze and sat directly opposite each other in the MRT.****GRINZ****

Btw I'm juz xcited that thr's someone new who doesnt expect anithing nor gets offended by anithing or lack of thereof that I do. So yeah.. even if it's juz a stupid crush did I here u say...? He made my day:)

hehehehehehehe.... here's to a happy and happeningly long weekend~

Selamat jeng jeng jeng hari raya jeng jeng jeng.. siapa yg nk kasi princess duit raya???:P

Okay back. SO yeah.. once in a while, you find that there are lecturers who happen to be friends and also respectable pple. They are the pple that wen u have trouble..you can find comfort in them.. and you find that it is such a joy to be learning from such a person. She taught me during my freshie yr. And now, almost 2 yrs later, I still see her passion when she teaches. As a senior.. thr's many kinds of nurses that I've worked with and many kind of lecturers that I've learnt from. And though some maybe the most attractive, young and full of life...some of them may lack the kind of knowledge and wisdom that the senior ones have. Sometimes they lack of the heart to care as much as the older ones. During my psychology class, a lecturer had once given dis quote to us: "life is lived forward, but understood backwards." Maybe that'll explain why the senior lecturers understand so much about our disappointments. And also the ones to be joyed when we've done so well. I've cried and hugged my yr 3 skill lecturer once. Coz I flunked my practical.and through that,she's said so much. BUt most of all.. Ive often wondered where do they get the strength to carry on nursing.. when given their length of experience.. they muz have dealt with so much death.It is amazing to be viewing dis perspective. becoz being such a fresh nurse.. I find that I still have the jelly heart that makes me wanna cry each time i talk to my patients and listen to their story...

.. And I think the same goes for love and friendship. Sometimes the excitement and lust that we have for a person may seem exhilarating when we have juz known them for a short period of time. But when you learn more abt that person's flaws and shortcomings.. that's when the beauty unfolds. It's ez to love someone when they are trying so hard to please you..but when you love them despite all of their flaws....It juz means so much more. Sure it may mean that I start NOT to wear make up and dress up less..and maybe..even reveal the most unsightly aspect of me.. but to me, if ani1 can love me...when they see me at my worst..(tat includes shouting,screaming etc ..) it juz makes me feel like they are the ones whom I'll definitely grow old with. Thr'll be an undeniable day when I will start to have wrinkles and gray hair... and my body wont be as agile as it still is..but the kind of person that will love you no matter the circumstance would still look at you..as the kind of person you once were in your youth.

Tomorrow is my grandparent's 40th annnivesary. They are 2 individuals that I have loved and cherished all my life. Despite all my shortcomings and disappointments.. they still love me the most.. and talk abt me with such pride.. even though to most pple, I am juz a nurse. To alot of pple.. maybe having guys asking for your number is someting that is a very good thing.. but juz to me. . I wont mind having juz 1 person in my life. If I can be myself with that person. I wanna be able to laugh..and share my smiles with him.. and I want him to hold and reassure me when I cry..to give me my space when I need solace and to give me the warmth and protection should I need it. Someone whom I know will be proud of my unborn children, someone they can proudly call dad. Someone I can love endlessly like my grand dad.


Maybe it's e fact most of my friends are starting new commitments (marriage). But I feel that til someone proves that he is dependable and wont let me down..I m still waiting for that one person to come my way. Or even to reappear in my life. LOL. Till den.. I am becoming the best person that I can.. and loving all the men in my life.

To mk a point of what im saying here's a quote from a friend's email:

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect
you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be blessed to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."


And If ever I were to meet a man that is that insane, I'd be sending my invitations too.=)

Goodnight singapore.

I intended to go for lecture today, but I didnt. I fell ill. Why do I always get sick on weekends ?haiz. So depressing.

So I'm alone at home now.. while thinking abt studying...OMIGOD. Yesterday, during my management class, my lecturer said that during our 1st 6 mths working as a Staff Nurse, we'll even dream abt passing report.. haha.I dreamt abt working in the ward b4. But i guess they'll be more substance in my dreams nx time.=D... And you know..I had her as my skills lecturer previously. She's a very good lecturer. No doubt a strict one.. But I could tell her anithing,including my period problems! She's also the head of oncology for NYP.

It's honestly refreshing and amazing when you can actualli find lecturers whom you can relate to..laugh and cry with. Pple whom you can respect and at the same time.. hey i'll continue later.

Today was an xtremely long day in skul..but i felt accomplished:
- My comp has finally recovered from it's slight flu.
- I finally read my debate topic
- I paid attention in almost all of my classes
- I enjoyed learning (God I sound geeky)
- I wrote a "To DO" list
- I finally linked Yusry's blog

So..basically it's quite a gd start to the weekend already=)

Aniwae.. I watched the news today and I discovered that a portion of M'sia's electricity was cut off...and due to that, the train was suspended or delayed... and everyone had to take alternative transportation..(do u even know how many pple that is? we're talking abt the whole of keretapi tanah melayu)

We are of coz blessed that Singapore have our electricity cables are underground, so thrfore... our electricity supply wouldnt be cut off unless ... otherwise la.LOL.

And I finally went to the library...I borrowed a book. It's abt an American chinese lady who's interested in White males.. and all abt the weirdness of a chinese culture and its societal norms while living in America. haha. It's realli hillarious, tho Ive onlie read 3 chapters.

. . . And of coz.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DARLING ZUL..
A very happie 21st birthday.. May all your wishes come true=).. Don't be too stressed k. Finally old enuff to watch RA huh? hehe.OK la.. my turn coming in abt 3 mths.. dont forget 2 buy me something den K? LOL..here's a birthday kiss *smooch* *smooch* and a huge

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((****HUGZ****))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I shud be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky.. I shud be so lucky love.. tats wat Kylie minogue sang.. and I was singing to it on Monday after skul..

And guess who I saw? Yes.. The youngest guy Ive dated(who has become increasingly attractive, juz so u'd know)..He was behind me and a few others getting down e escalator from NYP...

Funny how yrs juz fly by.. the last time i remembered.. he was still in sec skul, wen i was already in poly!But old flames being old flames.. my fingers itched.. and i texted him...and at night he texted me.. all e way till i fell asleep.

.. And he went something like..:
"Ive loved dis gerl since the time she smiled at me.. but she'll nvr how much I love her..she'll nvr know that I think she's the one for me.. but I'll love her still.. though knowing it's rather impossible for her to love me back."

I am not surprised.. but shock that a younger guy would think Im the ONE for him.. like come on.. the rest of you male species.. scream... if u think im e one for u..

I respect and admire the fact.. he's been single dis long.. and in believin in first loves..

But if u ask me abt THE ONE. I'm not exactly sure abt who or what I am looking for.. I'm not even sure if I know who I love and adore. and Im praying God.. show me the man I m born to love, cherish and care for..for even a girl like me needs some loving, comfort and warmth.

K it's been a wk and maybe a day since new yr.. and I've juz made it through
Aniwae, the new skul wk has been v heavy. This semester I'm skooling for3 wks..den attachment wk 4 n 5 den skool til wk 10.. and become a crazy woman after tat.

ANNDD...JENG JENG JENG!!! On the way to skool on wed or thurs.. I saw a vy cute guy sitting bside me on e lrt stn.Den it turns out he's an NYP std..and I saw him again on fri...yayyyyy!=)

BTW i went out wif din on monday nt. We went to watch kungfu hustle..den went riding and had supper in wdlands..he gaf me a bar of toblerone. Do u know it's been 3 yrs?haiiizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

I also went out wif e gerls on thurs...to town..we tk neoprints..vy fun hor!but v tired also..


Perasannnsss




I'm also v saddened that this is afterall my final semester..it's juz tat skul's e best thing tat has happened..haiz. Working life seems like light yrs away.. and to know im turning e big 2...woah.. time flies.

Hello babieeesssss
Im back!!!!! And I'm stronger, better and fastterrrr...ROOOOAAAAARRRR...LOL.Actualli no la.

Ive juz gt back frm JB.. stayed over. I woke up in e middle of e night..coz mosquitoes bite my face. And I cried.. coz I didnt wann scars..LOL. I know.Silly me .

Aniwae,I know dis is kinda late.But Im gonna wish allllll of u a v happie n prosperous new yr... and being a new yr.Ive decided to go beyond juz my traditional 1 resolution onli..so dis yr im gonna have a list..

RESOLUTIONS 2005

1. Be happy.. not juz for myself...but everyone..friends,family..cats..dogs..
2. Have at least 8 hr slp..for a beautiful new me
3. Worry less, hope more, expect less (is that considered 3 thing s?)
4. Eat what I want.. go whr I want..Do what I do. Life's too short for a tomorrow.
5. Exercise!!! (I think dis 1 is a bit harder 2 keep)
6. Do not tolerate anyone who's reckless wif my heart.. and Im trying nt to be reckless either.
7. If God allows..I wanna tk my driving license...(or if im nt lazi.. teehee~)
8. Spend more time with friends.. Last yr i can count e no of times i went out wif friends
9. Have the strength to change the things I can and the serenity to accept what I cant
10. Take extra care of myself.. spend more time grooming and being pretty inside out. Sometimes all it takes is a beautiful sweet face to mk ur patient's happie.=D


CHEEERRRSSS.... Here's to a great and pimpleless new year!

And my favourite happie song to kick it off:
We get it on most every night
when that moon is big and bright
its a supernatural delight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

we get
everybody here is out of sight
they dont bark and they dont bite
they keep things loose they keep it tight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

we like our fun and we never fight
you cant dance and stay uptight
its a supernatural delight
everybody was dancing in the moonlight

dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

we get in on most every night
and when that moon is big and bright
its a supernatural delight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight

dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight