If U ever had the chance to step into my room, u'd notice that it is very girlish.. Soft toys, decos in all hues of pinks & U cant miss the amt of beauty products on my dresser..

I haf e make up removers.. the facial wash.. the scrubs..the masks..the pore packs..
Then thr's e make up.. concealers, two-ways, blusher, eyeshadows, eyeliners, eyebrow pencils, glosses, lip stick, shimmers
And thr's the applicators, the multiple brushes to mk everything ezily applied!

I admit it.. I am so girly.. it's beyond the tahan-able circumstances at times. haha. But that's what makes me a girl right..that I am not going to step out of my house w.out looking my best=)

It's not just the room u c.. it's in the bag too. My bag is a mobile emergency face kit.. I have everything I nd.. wet wipes..umbrellas..tissues...my make up kit...perfume... it's irritating to be my bf, I know! haha

Dont know la.. Im juz a firm believer of beauty in a bottle!

"I belong to me I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflecti
on I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me"

It didnt snow, but it certainly rained.
I cant stand him.. how he's constantly on my mind or how he would make an unwelcomed appearance in my dream.

Like gimme a break! I've been working hard, I've been so tired. And I just cant stop it.

I know sooner or later pple will gt bored hearing of this, but since this is my blog, I can say anithing I please.

It's been 2 mths now, but the hurt does not subside/..

Someone said.. When such things happened, thr'll always be unanswered questions, but you just have to leave them behind.

It's like a cliche, how w/out him.. the world just moves on, time passes.. but everything's the way it was when he left.

I know Men are wired differently.. I m one of those woman who reads too much into things. But who can blame me? I am a Nurse. I am taught to anticipate events! but this.. was definitely much less than anticipated.

I don't know. It's just so not ez. He made it sound like it was, but I can sure as hell guarantee it's not.

I just felt so lost like I have lost the passion to live (but that does not mean I'd rather die).
Things that I used to enjoy doing eg shopping, reading, lazing at the beach.. it has all lost it's charms. I have forgotten to love having fun, afterall I have lost what I had loved and love.
I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. Like I just do things, you know paint emotions on my face but I just do not feel. I m numb with all the tears that I've been crying nights after nights. My appetite is poor.. and Im losing wt (Im now 35kg). It's affectin me & I know I shud move on. But let's be honest.. This is gonna take long. I dont care how many guys I can have, if I wanted to. It's like..the betrayal is too huge for me to just let it go, to pretend it went unnoticed.

Yes, I made all those mistakes.. the blaming, the impatience, the having too many guys as friends and the thing abt the h/p.. But it was so shallow and such simple unimportant things! I still can't picture him loving sum1 else. How can I go on? I fight hard to not break deown in public... but my sorrows shows. I had loved him, and I was willing to accept the imperfections... why does God have to do this to me? I'm in so much of pain.. too much that sometimes, it's just too hard to tolerate.

It's just that I love him and all I am asking in return is reciprocation.

It is indeed funny that all these is reminding me of when I was 15 & hw my crush was infatuated with someone else. Judging from my appearance, no1 wud ever call me the Queen of unrequited love, but wat can I say, that is what this is abt. Abt giving what he dont want. Abt being thr when u're not needed. Abt loving when all he said was"it's different now."

I just hope I have the strength to carry on.
Thr is just too many reasons that I have to.

Of coz, perhaps if I was Beyonce I'd be singing these instead:
You must not know 'bout meYou must not know 'bout meI could have another you in a minuteMatter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)You must not know 'bout meYou must not know 'bout meI'll have another you by tomorrowSo don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'You're irreplaceableSo since I'm not your everythingHow about I'll be nothing? nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)Baby i won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you)I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is)Replacing you is so easy

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It tookher two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!
You know you're a nurse if.....
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley.
Your sense of humour gets more warped each year.
Almost everything can seem humorous....eventually.
You know the smell of different diarrhoea well enough to identify it.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You check the caller id on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.
Everytime someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.
You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult"
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co worker and to holler if they need help.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank
You find yourself checking out other customers veins in grocery waiting lines.You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off. >>
>>Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.>>>>
You have seen more penises than any prostitute
>>>>>>>>If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, >>its just>>to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental >>status/sanity.>>Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humour, >>fairly>>normally and very responsibly. >>Scary huh?? BUT SO TRUE OF MOST OF US....

I was nvr a fan of friendster as I always felt it was a tad pretentious.

=)

And somehow, it reinforces my belief that I was not a friend of friendster too.
Of coz no1 wud u/stand what I am rambling abt...

I met Suzi for a dinner date at Siam Kitchen & it finally dawned on me that we have nvr dined thr.. but I have memories thr too.

Suzi was stunning as always..And we always enjoyed our tete-a-tee..
I've missed her, I know I always will. And I wonder whr will we be. Nx yr is coming to soon. Thr r major decisions to be made.. & I have to stop putting things off. I nd to clear my mind & stop moping ard. I will let him believe what he wanted to hear. And it will seem real.

Our journey might have ended for now. But who can be so sure for tomorrow. Life is such that it is unpredictable & that is what makes it sweet.

I have loved & I have lost. I nd to work towards improving myself. I nd to let myself have some ME time. Time to go for long overdue maintenance..haha.. Time to think abt what I wanna upgrade, adv dip/degree. Time for deciding.

We cant live forever, but let it be known that while we lived,We did the best & lived the best we could...



It's funny, my self esteem suffered a huge blow.
Seperation has a way of making you feel inadequate...
But like I said at work, "as a Staff Nurse, I had done the best I could in my capabilities to provide the utmost care for my patients, but some situations are beyond human control/predictions & thrfore to classify them as - preventable or - unpreventable would be an unjust decision."

I did not want to meet him.. bcoz I was afraid.. & yet stubbornly, I took a chance.
We met & things hit off. Thr was attraction & strong chemistry. We were in e same frequency & silently, but surely.. I had wanted something from that.. Still I was still much reserved.

You see.. I was always afraid of losing. Always afraid of abandonment. That sense of being incomplete. Broken. Unfixed.

I did not want to meet him bcoz I did not want to b afraid to lose him.
And when I met him, I liked him, I loved him & I eventually lost him.

He made me believe in him & me.. that thr was a possibility of forever.

Bcoz if thr was 1 thing I can tell u, even forever seems not enough. We spend almost every waking moment together.

If u were to ask me, y did I feel that I loved him too much.. It was simply bcoz he was e 1 person whom I felt comfortable with..that person whom I share everything with. I trusted him. He wanted to be a bf, but he was more than that. He nvr knew that he was more than just a BOYFRIEND. He was my my partner, my companion, my friend and my confidante. He was e 1st person I think abt when I awake.. and the last that lingers in my mind b4 i slp.. he's e reason I work faster so I can finish on time, e reason I can smile with such little slp & he's also the reason Y I cry.

My world fell apart when he left me..bcoz I build it ard him. Everything abt having a life that I've known, Ive built it on the ground that I tot.. we wont end.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But things ended. He walked out, left me behind. Suddenly. Im 1 person in this world. Im no longer associated with someone. Im no longer someone's important half. I am alone.

It was a shitty feeling, still is. God knws hw many months I spent crying over him...It was a dull aching feeling in my heart. A sick feeling in my stomach that stopped me from eating..

I guess when I finally decided to actualli pick up my shit and stop looking so miserable like I juz got knock down by a lorry was bcoz.. he was ever so ready to move on. Despite all my efforts, despite all that I had felt.. he felt it was not a gd reason to stay. He made it known to the world he was SINGLE at that place whr he made such a big deal. And I dont blame him. We all know that every1 has choices and he juz wants to be out of my life. He made it so clear, I cud not gt it wrong.. and I can tell u.. it hurts so so bad. Rejection, unrequited love? Those were not words used in e same sentence when u r talking abt me. I took it bad. I missed him, I still do.. but. (I do not nd to say anything much abt this).

So.. after ventilating abt all that misery..

my colleague said sth that made me want to strangulate her..
"But hw can u look so happy? So radiant?"

Oh my god.. if ever I cud re-emphasize.. during a break up, e best defense against feeling miserable was to tk cr of urself.. eat even if u dont feel like it.. and dress like u realli want to be a functionable individual.

I did all that.. and no1 believes that ive been thru these. And im glad I dont look the part.

Im glad Im still here.. Thr are many qns that will be unanswered.

Thr will be alot of whatif's..
But we all know.. we live in a connected world. And SG isnt that big.

If he ever wud want things to work oout

We dont nd to spell it out for him.

"But I'm in so deep.
You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger? "

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v602/kat017/mng.jpg[/IMG]

U know.. I think if my friends were to describe me, they'd say Im straight forward, direct and at times tactless when necessary. They'd say Im strong..

But. at times, I am anithing but that. Especially Now, Im far from anithing close to that.. More than ever.. I try to pull through now. Trying ever so hard with all I have not to wilt and die, when all I feel is doing that...

I dont know what to do to myself sometimes.. when looking at pix makes me sad.. I juz cant help but study ur face. haha.. Oh god.. Contradicting & being an oxymoron. I cant stand myself.

I mean like give me a break... everywhr ard me.. jingles are going along the lines of "'tis e season to be jolly! la la la la"...

hahah.. I think Im like the person who has tat dampened spirit in seasons with so much joy and love.

When the whole world seems to be living in carols.. Im having sad love songs as my anthem... haha.. (juz listen to me!)

Aniwae.. Dido says it best..

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harderOr return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"Then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

*And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on*

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I think I m ur perfect eg of an overworked Singaporen. I haven seen my friends for yonks I tell U... AIYOH>>>. I wannnnn to meet them but I have so many afternoon shifts and nights this wk. And I wont noe hw nx roster is coz e request bk was overflooding!

Aniwae, Sunday we went to CT's wedding.. Haiz... I have mixed feelings I tell u abt u. It's like, yes.. it's the happiest day for 2 pple and they are sharing their joy by their celebration through ceremonial lunches n dinners.. BUT HW CAN A PERSON LIKE ME SURVIVE WEDDINGS!!! haha.. Oh god, the endless instigations. I will nvr c e end of these. hahah.

WE didnt go out after that tho coz..U know it was pouring heavily. WEll, not that it stopped me previouly... BUT.. like evrything else, times have changed! haha..

And today at work... I told my clerk to scold the wd 45 SN. Coz she didnt want to transfer e pt to oursideee juz coz she has written her report.. and den..wen e pt came up.. I was laughing so hard coz it was my classmate cum friend! OH god.... she's back frm Aussie.. so nice. Im so envious.. she's already armed wif a degree sehhh.. unfair!


I WANT I WANT I WANT!!

It seems like dis days my feelings are ever so fluctuating. Makes it seems like Im suffering from bipolar.

Today I m much more calmer. U know I have this belief that how u feel have a thing or to 2 to do with ur surrounding. Today I washed 1/2 of my laundry which I have been putting off since forever. Folded the new clothes that I have bought which had been sitting in the shopping bags for months..Vacuumed the dust which may have given birth to various sorts of bugs and not to mention even scrubbed the loo! Man. I am productive! haha.. No, not in THAT sense.

So now that the room is cleaner, the house is cleaner, things are sparkling.. I feel a lil at ease too. Sure thr's alot of unwarranted thoughts that has ALWAYS been looming in my head. It's things like what I wud have done differently.

Im talking abt friendships here. I dont know. It's like some pple have this opinion that I dont seem to put in sufficient effort in2 friendships. Dont make enuff effort to c, talk, txt dem often enuff. And sadly, I cud nt disagree. But that doesnt mean I didnt care. The TCC talk at bugis was true.. It's juz u know. Things happened. And alot of what I am saying here wudnt justify my actions, but what I am saying is that.. If I cud, I wudnt want to lose any of my friends. I wudnt want to gif them up. I'd wanna try again. I miss all of them so much.

Mayb it's to do with alot of deaths. U know. Death has a way of making u re-evaluate the life u r having.

I dont know. Thr still pple angry wif me, disappointed.. and a whole lot of other words. But what I am saying is.. Please let us all try again. Life is too short to be throwing beautiful things that ezily. We build our f/ships over time. Dont let anithing let them falter..coz Im still that person who still harbours her insecurities beneath the cool n calm xterior.

I wondered who on earth thought abt that.

Aniwae. I saw 1 advert event.

Something that perhaps he and I would have wanted to do, if things were not to change.

But him, being him. Would juz re-emphasize.. "things have changed now." And yes, I do know that.. though it is not ez to digest.

Oh God. U juz dont know.. how on earth I get through each day. I wonder. Why am I having such a hard time when most probably every1 will juz say.. it happens to every1.

When will it be ok? Will it ever be okay? I know he's ready to move on. He's made it very clear to the world.

I juz hate myself so much. For being this weak, this helpless.

Ok. b4 u gt bored reading this.. here's some pix to show that yes.. I still can keep my feelings in check and hide them when situation calls.

I guess I juz have to be patient and buy the "time will heal all wounds." haha.

what ferst dates wud look like:


cousins




p/s: Bumping into Nas was a reminder that even I was fatter than he was! haha.