I got the impression that today was Sunday, since yesterday was spent at my Grandparents.

But hey, I gained 1 extra day, coz it is only Saturday today.

Today I wk up feeling better, that the pain was lesser. TILL. My mom decided we should go to Simpang to eat!

Argh! I remembered the times we've been there.
The times we've met countless relatives and friends.
The bumping into nani and shidiq part.
The bumping into Suria.. rememberd what she said? That we still looked "new'.

Memories of us are so crisp.

Somemore, okay, I know that there were things which could have been done better on my part. But having it being reminded by my own Mom. Hmmm. Ok la, maybe she really does like you.. but it hurts la you know? Coz, it's like I don't want to tell you that, and make you think why now?
It's always been the case. Like think abt e past, when you told me "You just hate it when you mom sides me."
So, when you said, no one liked you, you just chose to ignore it.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I dont wanna feel insecure about you.
I realise that when times like this occurs, there's alot of what if's and maybe's.

And besides, it just dawned on me, on the way home.
That remember all those times when we discussed our 2010 vision?
I told you that I wanna get married, for my Grandpa to be ard to see it?
And that's exactly the reason y I didnt say anything, when you told me, now I have the time to wait longer b4 I settle down.
Bcoz wif you, it's not abt settling down. It's plainly abt getting to do what I've waited and searched for, my entire life.

It's having faith in the present, and hope for the future.

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you babe babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you babe
'Cause we gonna fight
Oh yes we gonna fight
Believe we gonna fight
We gonna fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you

Nobody wanna see us together
Nobody thought we'd last forever
I feel 'em hopin' and prayin'
Things between us don't get better
Men steady comin' after you
Women steady comin' after me
Seem like everybody wanna go for self
And don't wanna respect boundaries
Tellin' you all those lies
Just to get on your side
But I must admit there was a couple secrets
I held inside
But just know that I tried
To always apologize
And I'ma have you first always in my heart
To keep you satisfied

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Today it is good Friday. Today it is also my Grandfather's bday.
Spent the day lying in front of the TV and juz wasting my life away. HAha. Ironic. I m not quite the TV watcher, unless it's my favourite show. But hey, the tube is a tube. And anything that doesn't require concentration dis days is good.

After being the couch-potato, asked my Aunt for a lift to my Grandparents hse, simply bcoz I knew I cudnt tolerate bus rides animore. Actuali, come to think of it, I can't tolerate anything animore, but I try.

So, bought a small cake (hey, Im a student, I'm entitled to be broke). And headed to WC. So okay, spent more time lying in front of the tube, as my Gparents hse are e typical traditional malay home. That includes squatting toilet and no water heater. Haha. I can safely say, that my home is FAR different that theirs, but I was brought up there.. so familiarity is comfort (That, my friend, I have learnt so well in recent times).

Heard that my Granpa is far from improving. Life for him I guess is just not worthliving animore. He evens talk about dying. Sometimes I wonder, does being ill makes you more prepared and at ease when thinking about death?
Is it something that propels you to eventually admit, that your days are numbered and what's the use of thinking that there's still hope?

He's just not what he used to be. WHen once, I knew him as someone who was strong, and regularly takes his medicine, no matter how many they were, he's quite close to being a complete stranger now.

I can no longer see him as the person who brought me up, rather, he's grown to be so dependent on pple, specifically, his spouse.

I can see him giving up on life. He is just simply surviving. It's sad, cause honestly I feel the same way too, if you ask me about life. I do what I need to. I see life as a necessity. When I used to have passion, to yearn and want, I no longer have it now. When I used to have cravings of delicacies, food is just fuel for energy now. It's amazing how emotions and experiences shape you to be who you are.

So, what exactly is hope?

This 4 letter word that inevitably pushes or pulls you down.

Hope (noun):
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.

(www.thefreedictionary.com)

Hope then, I guess is a strong verb.


I'm sorry if these days, reading my blog just gets depressing.
Everyday's about dying and heartbreak.

Maybe, partly, it's due to the fact that that's all thr is in my subconscious.
Be it, when I'm showering, in the train, walking home, listening to my MP3.
Those are just activities that are meant to be stress-free. But everyday's the same. I just walk, because it's routine, and that's what keeps me moving. I smile, bcoz, crying would just create unwanted attention. The fact is I'm tired of pple asking if I'm ok. Coz the fact is I am not, but I pretend to be ok, becoz that is easier than being myself.

It is easier pretending that I can deal with it, than admit, I am fighting to live.
It is easier to smile, than to cry.
It is easier to pretend to move, than stay and know I've been left behind.

Nothing is easier, just because it seems it is. But I try so hard, coz I know they are for you.
I heard you.
Every word of it.

But, my expressions, and my emotions.
They don't match.

For all those times, I've read about unrequited love.
Of pple seperating, not because they don't love each other animore.
Of inflicting self harm.
I thought I would never know what those pple feel.

In the same way, when I used to ask "How do you know if he's the one?"

If you just pass me by in the streets, nothing has changed.
I still have the same hair, the same smile, the same style.
But inside, in just one month, everything is not the same.

And today, as my Grandfather turned one year older, I thank God that he's still here with us.
I hope that he starts eating again.
And realise that life is still worth living, though situations have changed.
That cancer can be fought.
That we still care and love him.

And while I still harboured those strong hope, I get reminded of one thing, that probably you might not.

That during the same day, just a year ago,
We were there.
And you were the only one, that I brought to any1's birthday.
What more, my Grandfather's birthday.

I can't help but wonder then, where were you?

And I got my answer, in silence.

I have never been dis xhausted since don't know when.
In fact, I can't even remember a time I've been dis tired.

The day started off going to meet my Aunt @ Bugis. After which we headed to my Grandma's house.

Yesterday, I finally discussed with my Grandma abt "him". I guess what she truly feels, he'll never know.

Grandpa looked better when we arrived. At least today, he took some soup and walked 2 pass urine. So me and my aunt went to WCP mac. When we got home, another of my aunt told me that my Grandpa turned worst. I changed his stoma bag and he felt so warm to touch. Den I told my aunt to buy a thermometer. And the Temp was 38.9 celcius! We called e ambulance and sent my Grandpa thr. Turned out he had pneumonia.

I can't believe it.

I feel so helpless, tired and drained, holistically.

I juz wished throughout the times all of these happened, I had you by my side. But what can I say, the person I could find solace in, just couldn't be there.

And despite probably knowing things that probably would make it better, I can only tell it to myself.

Quando sono solo
Sogno allorizzonte
E mancan le parole
Si lo so che non c? luce
In una stanza
Quando manca il sole
Se non ci sei tu con me, con me.
Su le finestre
Mostra a tutti il mio cuore
Che hai acceso
Chiudi dentro me
La luce che
Hai incontrato per strada

Time to say goodbye
Paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si li vivro.
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Its time to say goodbye.

Quando sei lontana
Sogno allorizzonte
E mancan le parole
E io si lo so
Che sei con me con me
Tu mia luna tu sei qui con me
Mio sole tu sei qui con me
Con me con me con me

Time to say goodbye
Paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si li vivro.
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Con te io li rivivro.
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Con te io li rivivro.
Con te partiro
Io con te.

Time to say goodbye
----------------------

When Im alone
I dream on the horizon
And words fail;
Yes, I know there is no light
In a room
Where the sun is not there
If you are not with me.
At the windows
Show everyone my heart
Which you set alight;
Enclose within me
The light you
Encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
And yes, I know
That you are with me;
You, my moon, are here with me,
My sun, you are here with me.
With me, with me, with me,

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you,
I with you.

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I called him to tell him that I did very well for my presentation.
But I didnt.
Coz he sounded distant and disinterested..
It broke my heart and tore me apart. I was affected, but I was in the train. I cant juz cry in front of e many passengers.

But I didnt manage to reach home, before the tears started flowing. Even the whether agrees with me. Its been pouring non stop dis past few days.

What else do I need to say?
What else can I do?
What other options are there for me?

I am in a place, so familiar but so different.

Juz now my classmates asked me again y I cried yesterday. All I said there was too much stress lately. Then someone said.. But your BF supports u right...
And I could only smile.

There's so much in that sentence alone that weighed on me. Y do I communicate with only tears and smiles now?

Y do I love you so much still?

Y cant I juz do as what you tell me to?

So many questions that can only be left unanswered.

And you only tell me one thing everday. You don't want me anymore.

Maybe coz I know he doesnt read dis blog animore.

"Emotional health is the source of your physical energy." - Tan CH, 2008.

Ive been having poor health generally dis past wk.
Physically - drained, exhausted, vomitting and febrile..
and maybe, the underlyin cause was my mental and emotional health.
That I was thinking too much and worried far too much.

The things that mattered has been crumbling right in front of my eyes.

I have to blame myself, for failing to identify what was important to the most important person in my life.

When he voiced his insecurities abt my grandma and Zul, I juz though all he needed was reassurance. I did not know that it affected him so deep. I didnt know that I had to put in some actions. I juz wished I was more attentive.

Yet, I think maybe I was just too bz focussing on other things.. eg. my ill Granpa, my exams, e presentation.

It wasnt ez, juggling all of those. Everything was important in their own right. If I could shoulder all the pain and frustations and pain he had, I would.

When we talked about marriage, I knew that I wasnt juz looking at the wedding. But the phase of living with you, breathing you, smelling you, and having you all by myself. A lifetime of it.

I was ready to defend you, to love you without any reasons.
I knew I was ready to spend my life with you when I knew I could accept you for who you are, despite it taking some time. You made me realised that happiness was between us. Your love kept me going, when I thought I couldnt. You preserved my faith and you made me believe that there was such thing as real love, free of expectations and demands. You made me ascertain that I didnt need a degree holder, a rich guy or a hot looking one, becoz I was happy I had you.

It was wrong for us to take each other for granted, but I remembered the times when we didn't.

I remembered accompanying you to your friends wedding, even though I didnt wanna go there, coz it meant alot to you.
I remembered waiting for you in the car, while you went for your RC meeting.
I remembered going to your Grandparents house and falling in love with your family. I remembered going out wif Shiddiq and Nani and planning for a holiday.
I remembered getting rid of CockRoaChes.
I remembered bumping into my aunt at BPP.
I remembered abt me taking a cab to meet you at Bedok.
I reembered the 1st time I looked at you, and thinking.. he's so cute, that I asked if you wanted to have supper instead of juz going home.

And I recalled you plannng Samui trip for me.
I recalled you saying I look ok despite having rashes on my face after Tioman.
I recalled the day you asked if I was ready to get engaged, and I said I wasnt coz I was skooling.
I recalled your parents introducing me as your gf at your cousins wedding.
I remembered the day you met my Grandpa, and he said it was gd u were mr policeman, and that he liked you.
I recalled you getting me the Gucci bag.
I recalled you promising you wouldnt leave me.
I recalled that look in your eyes, that always reminded me how much you loved me.
I recalled you saying how much I was so similar to your Mom, and I felt so honoured becoz she brought up a beautiful person like you.

No amount of tears, or words could ever justify our feelings for each other, coz the mere fact is that we are both humans, infallible to making mistakes.
The fact is, we've grown stronger after all e arguments we've had, and I couldnt think of a better person to be my Husband and the Father of my children. And I can not imagine marrying anyone but you.

You taught me the meaning of love, about sacrifising.
You taught me so well, that I have failed to forget it.. and it makes me so determined to keep us together.

You are the missing part of the puzzle.
And "if you're not too late, I'll wait for you all my life."

Sometimes, we kinda make do with the things we have. Becoz that is the process of adulthood.

Throughout this wk, I have finally learnt about what means to risk losing your loved ones. My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. The surgeons are not yet able to say which stage of it. So the whole of the past wk was home-school-hospital-home. It was the brink of exhaustion. Not to mention that we were rushing off to finish our presentations and essays due dis coming wk. And I had my bio exam.

I fail to see why sometimes the decisions we made, may not have necessarily be the best that we could. I cannot imagine losing my Grandfather now, despite knowing for a fact that dying is a phase of life. Sure, I am a healthcare professional. But cancer is still cancer. It's like a death sentence for doing nothing wrong.

How can it be ok, when you see life slipping out from the person you love? All he does now, is sleep in bed. He's just exhausted and in pain.

For all those times, that I thought I would die of heart break, I didn't. But this was more painful and real than any relationship troubles would ever be.

Despite being a nurse, I cannot look at my Grandpa and think. haiyah. Already 78 YO, already lived long enough. It's ok to go. Becoz it's not. There are plenty of centennarians around and pple have survived cancer. I'm not willing to let go.

Just listen to me talk. It's like. If anyone could have told me that growing up wouldn't be easy, I could have just listened to them. But I didnt. haiz.

Not to mention that, since I was forever rushng to and from school, I have no time for anything else. Gone are the days that I could lie in bed and think that I am tired. I deserved the rest.

Singapore is a small country, but everyday, we rush in the morning to go to wherever we are headed and rush back home.

We fail to recognize and be aware of what is most important to us.

And sometimes, when pple realise I'm still going to school now, it saddens me that some pple still say things like "blaja tinggi2 pun nanti duduk kat dapur." Which simply translates into why study so high if you're juz gonna end up in the kitchen.

I am just to beyond defensing myself that all I could do is smile.

I'm just tired. I won't let the small petty things get to me.

We are all humans with many flaws. But when there comes a time to make a decision, we have to be brave and just face it.