The thing I realise abt me.. is. I haven been in love with ani1 new. in a long time. I haven changed much since I left skool. Im still stuck in that 2nd gear. Im still hopin that things will be better. And I still have trouble falling asleep at night. Slept at a record of 0730 even though I didnt go for ani midnight movie marathon or clubbing experience.

You see when I read my past entries in my blog.. I cant help but think that my unhappiness revolves ard MEN! I mean sure I have problems @ work, skool or even home. But nothing ever pulls me down greater than the tingling sensation of disappointments, lost hope & broken promises.

I mean other than that, I am relatively happy. It dawned on me that even though other pple may have bigger homes, better careers, attnd fantastic skools or have everything else going on for them.. but still I am happy, living in a 3 rm flat, in a messed up room, working as a Nurse & having attended a gangsta paradise of a skool.

I love my parents. Im happy with them.. coz they pamper me.. They love me even though Im juz me with all my shortcomings, my tempers & everything that is lacking in a much less than a perfect daughter. They are proud of me even though Im just a Nurse.. yet they think that is a wonderful profession.. they think Im beautiful even though my face is spotted with pimples & Im short AND skinny.. haha. And they try to give everything that I want. Watch the movies I want, go shopping when I demand that I have no clothes.. though I have clothes, shoes & bags that reaches the ceiling.

.. And my friends? Though I dont have many of them... I am still satisfied with the figure Ive counted. Its like whenever something's bugging me, I just have to dial a number.. and vent it out. How many of you can realli do that? It's like though we are all bz...I know that I still love them, despite everything that I've said.... It's good to have a venting outlet. And these are the same pple who makes good dining buddies...wonderful clubbing kakis...movie marathoners... shopaholics & library patrons. When you have so much of differences, but you are friends, it is the love that you have for each other that glues you together. THAT is the beauty of friendship. Which is much different from romantic issues.

Lastly.. I am happiest also when I am left on my own. There are alot of pple whom I have met along the way who finds it amazing that I dont gt bored being the only child & not socializing with anyone within a 5 metres radius. The thing is.. I have ate lunch alone (The mama was asking me y I was alone.. asking if I am having a late lunch hr...), watched TV alone, went shopping alone most of the time, went jogging alone & drinking coffee alone. You see the thing is. Alone is NOT synonymous with loneliness. Being alone doesnt mean you have to feel excluded. It is a choice of status.

And at the rate Im getting unhappy, frustated & ridiculed by exes, candidates of romance & gf's of my exes.. I think maybe I should let myself indulge in the selfish world of me, myself & I. I will make myself happy since no one can. I will give myself the gift of love & treat myself with care & utter respect. I would not tolerate anyone who's gonna accuse me of being bitchy or catty. And let me make it clear that I am not looking for anyone interested. I just want to be F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Platonic friendships, with no strings attached.

So there you have it. I am in love with myself. These ridiculous life of mine is a thing of past. I am starting a new. And you dont even have a say in it. *winks*

so pls dont bug me animore.. if u dont wanna be called a pest

You make me wanna throw my pager out the window
tell MCI to cut the phone calls
break my lease so i can move
cause you a bug a boo, a bug a boo
i wanna put your number on the call block
have AOL make my emails stop
cause you a bug a boo
you buggin what? you buggin who? you buggin me!
and dont you see it aint cool

[2:]
its not hot that you be callin me
stressin me pagin my beeper
you're just non-stop and its not hot
that you be leavin me messages every 10 minutes and then you stop by
when i first met you, you were cool
but it was game you had me fooled
cause 20 minutes after i gave you my number
you already had my mailbox full

[3:]
so what you bought a pair of shoes
what now i guess you think i owe you
you dont have to call as much as you do
i'd give em back to be through with you
and so what my momma likes you
what now i guess you think i will too
even if the pope he said he likes you too
i dont really care cause you're a bug a boo

[repeat 1 (with addlibs)]

[4:]
its not hot that when in blockin your phone number
you call me from over your best friends house
and its not hot that i cant even go out with my girlfriends
without you trackin me down
you need to chill out with that mess
cause you cant keep havin me stressed
cause everytime my phone rings it seems to be you
and im prayin that it is someone else

[repeat 3]
[repeat 1]

[5:]
when you call me on the phone you're buggin me
when you follow me around you're buggin me
everything you do be buggin me
you buggin me, you buggin me
when you show up at my door you're buggin me
when you open up your mouth you're buggin me
everytime i see your face you're buggin me
you're buggin me your buggin me

What would you feel if someone msged you: "Jgn msg2 I lagik. Pompan I tk suke x I msg"?

So I juz asked if that was the gf who was msging me...

And so she said sth like I am gerl n she is too.. I should feel her. You know along those lines.

What puzzles me when that msg was sent to me.. I didnt even initiated any text. So. Was that a warning by ani sorts? OMG.

Haiz. Sad when even the most beautiful memories are shrinked to juz hurt & remorsefulness.

So when she finally asked me y I asked wat her name was.. I juz didnt reply. No point.

Again I feel that my life is an endless search for something or someone that I was believing deludedly to complete me.

Complete.. and whole.. are words that are foreign to me. I haven been near thr in a long while.. You know the highness? The euphoria of knowing you are not looking for anithing else? knowing that you have everything that you've wanted?

Maybe it's juz a hoax.. all these searching for ur other half. Coz in this crazy world that seems to envelope me with each passing day.. I get lost in the maze. I cant find my way out but I just keep on going in hope to finding the exit.

The thing is. Those of you who have been in love (Yes those pure love..the ones that you feel urself lifting in the air... even though u've been seeing him for 5 yrs..).. you know the real deal. So anithing that doesnt even come close to it... just doesnt interests you.. & what's more frustating is when pple dont seem to understand what you are actually looking for... cannot be found right under your nose!

Maybe I should just forgive myself & forget abt all these insanity.

Okey. So Ive blogged alot. Like realli alot.

But today..

I woke up & called Din. Then he was asking abt my complete chinese x of a bf. So he was asking abt his chinese name etc. And I got a huge *SIGH & GASP* shock... knowin tht HE was together with this other gerl Johan got interested with a couple of mths ago. And the stoopid thing? He's been with her for 6 mths!

I dont know how to feel? Though he has been an x for centuries.. eons... or an indefinite period.. it's juz that an x would always be an x. NO matter how civilised u r b/w each other. What goes unsaid is still thr.

I mean it is already hard to digest he left me for a caucasian gerl.. & Ive taken enuff of my courage to juz be his friend. And all these while he has asked me out, had scandals with my other COLLEAGUES... HE WAS WITH HER.

I do not know which disturbs me more.. the fact that he left me for a shity reason. Or simply bcoz this is e same gerl my another x was interested in. She's dating my exes. I know Im sounding whiny... BUT come on! Give me some credit.......I was so heartbroken. To think that I thought I'd liked her.

Why is Singapore so small? She told Din somemore.. I saw a pic of ur x in his album. Like. WTF. Im Din's X. And He's my x too what.....

I cant stand dis ani longer.

arggghhhh. Frustated & heart broken doesnt do any justice to my feelings. Im empty. And as Ive said to Nadirah.. Maybe I should juz bcome a lessie. Guys are complicating my whole essence of existence.

As you all already know... I love to shop.. & Yoda would say: Shop I love!

*SIGH*... GUESS was having sale.. God. If I had tons of money to spend.. sheesh.. I'd buy the entire shop! Well almost!

Bought Din his birthday pressie (dah sah cheap0, tgg sale baru nk lik!)

I bought a pair of red beaded shoes (Far east, not guess..) &.. the most xpensive thing? My 2 way cake.. for men who doesnt understand ani shit Im talking abt. It's foundation. And I bought it from M.A.C. Supposedly.. It's whitening, contains SPF 20, can be used wet & dry.. and so bloody expensive. I am legally broke. And even if I wanted to go out.. Im not sure I could afford to!

Summore with the GSS happening.. OMG.. The shopaholic in me wuld run wild.. tsk tsk.

How can I survive.. why don't money juz grow on trees.. No $$$ No shop. No shop= :(

And I saw a realli realli pretty pink shoe @ GUESS. It kinda reminded me of Barbie. And how I'd kinda love to be her.=)

oh well.. here's to the GSS tats gonna turn ani1 with boobs & raging hormones wild...

We live in a greedy little world--
that teaches every little boy and girl
To earn as much as they can possibly--
then turn around and
Spend it foolishly
We've created us a credit card mess
We spend the money we don't possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it's shoppin' every Sunday at the mall

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

[Chorus:]
Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
It's such a beautiful thing--Ka-ching!
Lots of diamond rings
The happiness it brings
You'll live like a king
With lots of money and things

When you're broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go and spend some more when
you get bored

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

[Repeat Chorus]

Let's swing
Dig deeper in your pocket
Oh, yeah, ha
Come on I know you've got it
Dig deeper in your wallet
Oh

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

[Repeat Chorus]

Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
You'll live like a king
With lots of money and things
Ka-ching!

SUN: Went to the kenduri (paternal grandparents..). The fd was gd.. & we had durians. Im always amazed during dis kind of events.. when all the women juz seemed to bond.. and everything seems to be so right.

Hmm.. that aside. Ali txted to say that he was going in the army this 4th, He was telling me that he's going to shop for a cheap watch & alarm clock... and hw he'd want to go to e beach b4 he leaves. And I was teasing him.. saying that Tekong is so near the beach what. No need for that. Hehehehe =D (Evil me...)

So.. I realli wanted to go out.. though I juz reached home. But no1 seems to be game for a midnight movie. NVM. .

MON: Went out for a picnic @ west coast park.. so-so event la. No mood for anithing.

Today: Cleaned up e hse, cooked..den bought some stuffs.

I think maybe I nd to see a shrink. I have this thoughts that simply keep putting me down. The voices in my head are condemning me this days. Oh God. Tats partially the reason that I found such difficulty in sleeping.

CT asked me if I was interested to go to... JENG JENG JENG BATAM! hehe.. I dont realli think that is such a gd idea though.

You know now that I am 20.. I have a few grps of friends.. like think:

1. primary skool friends
2. Secondary skool friends.. whr you gt to hear abt MY BOYS
3. Nursing friends
4. Poly friends
5. Online friends...
6. Friends in PA.. (Abg2 polis)
7. Friends in Tekong.. to which I refer to as e tekong peeps..
8. Friends of friends

And I am wondering.. among all this pple.. am I important to them? By any chance?

Yesterday Yusry was asking me if I wanted to go out come Sunday.. But I have kenduri on Sunday. And Im not free Monday. I think he thinks Im making stories up. But it's just what it is.

I havent met ani1 new in centuries. I think that's a gd thing for now. I already feel suffocated at times...

Some online friend ( who happens to be one of my nursing friend's x bf)... which mks him.. a friend of my friend (refer to #8) says that he wanna meet me. Doesnt he understand when I say I still dont know what I want. That' s exactly what I meant. And when I said I loved solitude. It doesnt mean Im a sad lonely freak. Sheesh. Men.

Since Im so free now.. I shall blog abt what I bought @ e JL summer sale..

I bought a new tubey..shorties...beach wear. cant be bothered to tk a pic of it. Maybe when I have e time later yah...

I did my nails too.. They are so pretty...

ok ok... enuff already?

I know Im blabbering. But Im bored. & tired. & it's raining...

... And e radio's playing stoopid songs.

it is a torture when u have difficulty in falling aslp... and have to wk up too early. Im T-I-R-E-D.. sheesh. And it's Saturday.

Watched the news @ 9? Haney Hadad gt married.. and WOW her wedding ring.. I guess nvr in my lifetime would I receive a ring with that many stones.

Received news that yet another one of my friends are to married at the end of this month. And the other one would be engaged in August.

I'm happy for them.

Does it mk you wonder? Hw pple u dont realli want attn from sometimes try so hard... and those you actually would die to get urself noticed... wouldnt even try @ all!

Yet another episode of my life.

BTW, I didnt gt to watch the STAR WARS..

Ohhh.. & Ali msged me from Geneva.

Sheesh.

*Cartwheels..

I had a conversation with Siti today.. and boy.. we re-discovered alot abt ourselves w/in this morning.

There were alot of things that were buried inside of me. Becoming who I am. No longer who I was. There were things that I cannot learn to live with, no matter hw hard I tried. No matter hw I wanted to just let it go.. I just keep it w/in.

I cried today reflecting on what Ive done. Hw along e way.. my principles have changed so much... and how a strong person.. Ive tried to be.. will crumble in the end.

I dont know hw Im going to pull through this. Im praying God will forgive me. Coz no matter what.. Im nvr going to judge ani1 else. At the end of this.. thr was a lot of things that I screwed on. But 1 thing.. Im trying to mk everything better. Even the darkest side..

.. And I hope at the end of the day... Though I have failed at a lot of things.. I hope that Allah... with his love for his pple.. would forgive me.

I think thr's no1 who reads my blog. Not tat I know how to check it aniwae. But since this is abt me.. it doesnt matter who does.

I changed my layouts again. I prefer this to the previous one. This seems more me.. coz
1stly: It's pink
2ndly: It's pink..

hehe. Nah.. seriously anithing pink is often appreciated by me, though not always.

Today I'm going out to the movies with Mom. Zul suggested that we go catch Star Wars. ButI doubt that she'd want it. And that it wont be sold out.

I have been having trouble sleeping @ night. I dont know why. I feel so frustated.. coz I realli nd to slp. But juz cant gt down to it.

I haven bothered keeping in contact with pple... I cant believe it... haiz...

I still don't know what I am mad abt to everyone. Or am I juz angry with myself?

I was a healthy buff for a day..
Headed to the gym.. (in hope to tone my bod..)..
Den went to the pool.
M going 2 the pool again tomorrow.

Last night went to watch KINGDOM OF HEAVEN with my boys.. oohh we had such fun.
Prior to the movie, we went to arcade.. I teamed up with Bernard & Ali with Din. And we played the "ice hockey"...

I was proud to say... we beat them 16-6! Yay!!!
Den during the movie... I was so drooling @ Orlando Bloom.. OMG. He IS so delicious.. & Ali I do not care what you have to say *winks*
So the movie ended pretty late.. den Ali sent me home.. haha. I cant believe it... he decided nt to go hm with bernard but to see me hm instead. Guess he's gonna miss spending time with us.. while he's in Geneva.

Aniwae.. Am thinking of changing my layouts.. but couldnt find anithing suitable! I'm going bonkers..

Well.. b4 I end.. here's a lil something something.. that keeps on replaying in my head..hehe!

I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (i know you do)
That's why whenever I come around
She's all over you
And I know you want it (and I know you want it)
It's easy to see (it's easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be fuckin' with me
(ooh baby)

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
(don't cha, don't cha)
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
(don't cha, don't cha)

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it ain't love
It just ain't enough to leave a happy home
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See I don't care (see I don't care)
But I know she ain't gon' wanna share
(ooh)

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
(don't cha, don't cha)
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
(don't cha, don't cha)

I know she loves you (I know she loves you)
So I understand (so I understand)
I'd probably be just as crazy, bout ya
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then no friend
Would you make of me

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
(don't cha, don't cha)
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
(don't cha, don't cha)

I just cant help but wanna go dancing.. & shake my bootie... oh damn! Now cant play pool with Ali away.. oh well..He'll be back... While I guess the rest of you could keep on wishing I was yours to keep! Teeeheee=D

I know that pple might get bored from reading my blog. But I dont care.. coz personally I love what I write.. so hehe. too bad..

I was juz thinking abt my ferst bf.. You guys who know him.. would know I waited 9 mths for him.. b4 he decided it was time for us to be together. And when we were together.. it was the most blissful, innocent... passionate relationship EVER.

Could you have ever imagined I almost wanted to give up from wanting to be with him that badly.. but I didnt.. and we did ended up with each other in the end..

Even now.. I still njoyed the fact that he'd choose to board e bus @ e stop after our skool stop juz coz Im boarding thr... and den.. those times he taught me maths... and how we'd sms each other... And how he'd lemme win all our PE matches...*smiles*

I loved being in love with him. I was xtremely hurt when eventually it ended. But we didnt move on. Not for a long while aniwae=)

And den.. he got into an accident last friday. What an inauspicious date. Friday the 13th. Broke his C-spine, 2 rib bones, knee caps (patella)..

Poor him. And he was so sweet to lemme know. Even tho we haven been talking..

well.. alhamdullilah.. he's still well and alive...

At least I can walk down the street & say.. hey that was my ferst love..

Today... is like the 3rd day of me not doing anithing specific..
Let's juz say.. I think even tho everytime I think leaving pple behind.. and moving on with life.. is what you do everyday.. I just cant seem to get over it=)
It's as if.. graduation's over rated.

Dont get me wrong.. I love meeting new pple and graduating.. and yada yada yada.. but e thing is.. life juz nvr seems to wait... can u imagine? Soon I'll be realli wearing the green uniform! aha!

But otherwise.. life's gr8..been tutoring my cousins.. and den waking up late.. and basically having a leisurely life.. this is realli the honeymoon of my life. This is my YOUTH... I'd eternalise it..well.. at least I'll try.. hehe...

Hmmm Naseef got hospitalised e other day... I didnt visit him.. entah kenapa.. Malu? Marah? Dendam? But mainly perhaps.. its juz sadness..it's like juz coz I couldnt be with him..he let everything go. Haiz. We could have been friends.

...But den was it realli possible? Friendship between us? I had initially wanted sth more out of it.. but I guess my life was always too complicated.

I cant even remember when it started... but I guess it realli sparked of e night we were all @ the rock concert (trust me.. tat was a once of... e rock thingy). My dearest abg sedara n his frend disappeared into thin air.. and luckily thr was him?

I dont know.. but I guess we njoyed each other's company.. and conversationS. And maybe he was one of those who wasnt meant to stay... but juz to leave an impact on me.

Still today he said hi.. and asked how was I doing.. And den all e memory gates came flooding open.. & den I started reminicising... and even tho it was onli through MSN, & it happened when I was such a fresh FRESHIE... sudddenly I could remember a whole chain of events..

And I juz couldnt help wishing... juz how how how I badly wanted to see him.Just to actually realli believe everything was ok. Juz to know he wasnt holding any grudges against me..

Was it a gd thing he graduated b4 me?(wth.. he IS my senior....)

I just want us to be on good terms with each other. Asking for more is definitely out of the question.

But perhaps if once he saw the sparkle in my eyes.. and the warmth in my smile.. there is onli coldness in my company now...

The thing is... I'd hate it.. if anione slammed the phone on me (pantang nenek datuk moyang).. and pretended like we were strangers when we were once closer than friends.. I hated all this mind games.. I hate mind games.. and treating each other callously.

But we're all human afterall.

What would life be, if it werent stained by the silly mistakes we make?

Hellloooooo Singapore... I'm back.. hehe..
Aniwae.. my trip to Langkawi.. was WONDERFUL.. if onli thr was a flight for Monday, I would have returned on Monday instead of Sunday night.. but whatever it is.. I thoroughly enjoyed myself..

It realli is a heaven... as compared to the 1 mth attachment I had undergone.. but nonetheless... I kinda miss working.. But now that I am having holidays.. better make e most of it!

Hmmm.. well truth be told.. I haven been to Langkawi in more than 12 yrs.. back then thr was onli 1 traffic light in the whole island.. and Langkawi btw is visible in the world map... so imagine that. Thr population is (if i got my facts right)... almost equivalent to that of singapore...

Well... 12 yrs made a lot of differences... thr were so many resorts mushrooming across the island... but luckily they didnt destroy much of the nature... it was truely b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l... The scenery was that alike of those found on holiday postcards... I m so not kidding...

But lemme tell u.. come onli if u want a retreat.. coz if u were to look for a shopping haven.. this is a place to avoid..

All in all.... this is an island... that is best experienced.. rather than described...

But let's juz say.. I'm a happier person..=) (one with an uneven tan nonetheless..)

Well... here's to me... for completing my nursing dip!

Hellloooooo Singapore... I'm back.. hehe..
Aniwae.. my trip to Langkawi.. was WONDERFUL.. if onli thr was a flight for Monday, I would have returned on Monday instead of Sunday night.. but whatever it is.. I thoroughly enjoyed myself..

It realli is a heaven... as compared to the 1 mth attachment I had undergone.. but nonetheless... I kinda miss working.. But now that I am having holidays.. better make e most of it!

Hmmm.. well truth be told.. I haven been to Langkawi in more than 12 yrs.. back then thr was onli 1 traffic light in the whole island.. and Langkawi btw is visible in the world map... so imagine that. Thr population is (if i got my facts right)... almost equivalent to that of singapore...

Well... 12 yrs made a lot of differences... thr were so many resorts mushrooming across the island... but luckily they didnt destroy much of the nature... it was truely b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l... The scenery was that alike of those found on holiday postcards... I m so not kidding...

But lemme tell u.. come onli if u want a retreat.. coz if u were to look for a shopping haven.. this is a place to avoid..

All in all.... this is an island... that is best experienced.. rather than described...

But let's juz say.. I'm a happier person..=) (one with an uneven tan nonetheless..)

Well... here's to me... for completing my nursing dip!

Have you noticed that today all state flags was flying @ half mast? If you've heard.. it's bcoz of e passing of our late Mr Wee kim Wee.. and it didnt help it was pouring..
I think..that he had lived a meaningful life... I mean.. some of us.. are still living.. but what differs us frm e dead? I've been feeling a little cold recently.. a lil unsure... y is it.. we distance ourselves from emotion. Even I now detach myself from too much unneccessary interactions.. Yes I still laugh & smile... but @ this age when it juz hit you 20 yrs juz flew by.. it makes you wonder.. what you've earned and lost... and what you've nvr even tried achieving b4. Kinda mks u feel like u've aged a little...

I woke up this morning & I looked into the mirror. I wasn't expecting ani1 different to look back @ me... but rather, I was wondering.. how much have I lived? Does my face tell the life I live... Thr's things I'd nvr mention here.. nor to ani1.. maybe bcoz... it's more comfy under my skin.. But when thr are days... that you feel uncomfortable in ur own skin... Does any1 know what you are keeping or even trying to hide from yourself?

Hisyam's sis in law saw me again today... and she told one of the other nurses.. I've seen her since she was little... Little meaning.. I was 17. Now I'm 20... and she says... it's nice to see me becoming a staff nurse soon=)

Maybe currently... that's all thr is to my life... work... It's sad when your existence is reduced to juz merely the creation of service for consumerism.

MUNGKIN NANTI
Saatnya ku berkata
Mungkin yg terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua
Kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti
Kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku
Jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yg kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin
Saat semua disini

Dan bila hati mu terbangun
Bangun dari mimpi mimpimu
Membuka hati mu yg dulu
Cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yg dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti
Kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku
Jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yg kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin
Saat semua disini

Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi
Simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal yang kau cari
Semua rasa yang kau beri